It’s fair to say that this week I have felt very alone in the vast wilderness of my mind. I haven’t been a friend to myself. I used harsh, cruel words in my thoughts about myself or my self talk. Some of the words I have used about my self have been dumb, weak, unlikeable, unfriendly, cold, boring, ugly and shit for brains. I have believed that I am all of these things at some point this week. What triggered this negativity? Nothing in particular. But something that may have contributed is my job which used to a temp admin job is now a permanent job which is half admin and half customer services. Give me quite a technical task, a coordination/organisational task, a research task or a creative task and I will take it on no probs. But dealing with queries from the public is something I have disliked since I started working at 16. I can put on a good customer facing face but this job involves plenty of complicated information and the idea of giving out the wrong information fills me with dread. There are other reasons too but I won’t go into that right now.
I guess I’m not as patient as I could be, it’s not like I don’t understand in a lot of circumstances but sometimes it seems like a lack of care for themselves. I do try and put myself in their shoes but I’m an fairly emotional person so my own experiences and outlooks come into it.
I have felt extremely unmotivated this week, even to do the smallest thing like pluck my eyebrows for example. Getting myself to stay at work and concentrate has felt like a monumental task as all I’ve wanted to do is get up and leave. I guess that the way I’ve been could be seen as laziness and apathy but in reality I have put all of my effort into getting through a 37 hour working week intact.
I’m not really supported when I feel like this, I have good friends I can go to but then I have to explain myself and this is a tiring task in itself. I get little support from my family and partner for different reasons and from some I get no attempt to understand me at all. So I have been in the wilderness by myself battling my self critical thoughts. This week I have been able to talk to a new friend and I am grateful for this as I think I might have ripped shreads out of myself without that outlet.
I’m starting to feel a little better, there are some positive things going on right now and recently I’ve had such lovely things said to me. Here’s a little list:
- I have been talking to photographers and agencies about paid fashion and portrait work. This is currently being organised. It’s funny to think that this year I have been approached by these people and had my first paid modelling shoot and when I was in my 20s, I did try and join agencies and get paid work I got no where.
- I’m not happy with my body but I’ve had to buy new clothes as part of our uniform and I’ve been complimented on how I looked.
- Someone made a backhanded insult to me yesterday that I needed to flash my boobs to get ahead in my career but what I take from that is that I’ve got great boobs!
- I was asked to be a singer in a band by someone I studied music at college with. This I find very exciting as I’d love to get back out and create music and perform again.
- I’ve been called strong, wonderful, inspirational, intelligent, beautiful, hot as hell, lovely and genuine this week.
- I’m able to put down a deposit for my own place.
- I’m going to Northern Ireland in less than 2 weeks with my boyfriend to meet his mum and friends which is a bit scary but exciting.
- I’m going to travel as much as I can.
I know I have a lot going for me right now and other aspects of my life can be changed, they are temporary situations. All we have is now so I’m going to try not to throw away today.