No Vacancy

How is it that some days you wake up and can’t wait to start your day while others you find yourself laying in your bed for hours just cuddling your cat wanting to stay asleep? Is this the big monster of depression everyone is talking about? Am I just a highly sensitive person? Did I wear myself out from birthday festivities that I’m truly just tired? Summer is nearing its end and I’m anticipating the S.A.D. But I honestly couldn’t tell you what exactly it is. I feel like I deal with this more often than none. I’m a very happy, friendly, and loving person by nature. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give everyone in my life my full 100%. So why do I feel lonely and on the verge of tears so often? Depression can be this big alluring monster that shackles you in the gray cold square space. It’s a face you consistently have to cover with a mask to brave a smile. I think it all comes down to me being more independent than I can handle. I have a great family who is there if I ask for help, although I don’t. I let myself get into situations over my head because I want to get through it myself. My partner and friends are always there to talk to when I need them but I never reach out because it’s so hard and stressful to try and explain what’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself. There’s something about me that is incredibly human with emotions but also completely closed off if i feel it will demoralize me. I don’t like showing weakness, I’m VERY good at hiding my negative feelings, and here I am in my weakest point. I’m in between jobs, I don’t have a real stable place to live. I’m barely squeaking by with bills and nearly drained my savings account. This is not me. This has been the biggest rough patch for me and I can honestly say I’ve hit my rock bottom, or did. I don’t think these 3 months would have seemed so awful had the events I dealt with not happened all at once. I learned that things were getting bad for me when sleep wasn’t just sleep anymore, it was an escape. When you’re the one who saves everyone, who saves you? YOU DO. I’ve learned I can’t believe the things I tell myself when I’m sad. No, you aren’t ugly, your body issues aren’t real, your friends genuinely care for you, and stop continuously doubting why your partner is with you. I have to constantly reassure myself that things are temporary, because they are! And it’s perfectly okay to admit that you’re not okay because feelings are just like visitors, let them come and let them go. Healing yourself is not linear, it has its great ups and my goodness does it have its extreme downs. But I refuse to let the bad happenings define me or destroy me, I try to let it strengthen me. I had to fight like hell but fighting like hell has made me who I am. Being honest with yourself, with what you need, what you want, and who you are. We have all endured hardships and traumas in our lives, none greater than the next, but we cannot let those encounters define you. Ultimately I am not what I have done, I’m what I’ve overcome, AND YOU ARE ENOUGH. The shackles do come off eventually, and those cold gray walls turn into beautiful whirlwinds of collective colors and light air. THIS TOO SHALL PASS, because in the end, stars can’t shine without darkness ?✨ www.thesillyfreespirit.wordpress.com ✨

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for extraordinary things.” -C.S. Lewis

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