Reversal

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.

One of the things I’ve learned throughout recovery is that in order to succeed, in order to conquer your demons, you have to know deep in your heart, what you’re fighting for. The Sohei Buddhist Warriors had one of the most powerful ways of thinking: you must first learn to fight with your mind. Only then are you strong enough to fight with your sword.


People think that the greatest trick to pain is to hide that pain behind a smile.

That’s wrong.

As we grow older, we find ourselves through our struggles and forge our identities through our efforts.

Last week, my therapist reminded me of one of the most important life lessons that I’d lost sight of. Living for yourself, not for the world. I think somewhere down the road, I lost sight of who I was and what my mission in life was. I didn’t think I was enough. Naturally, that made me wonder if anyone else thought I was. After hearing all she had to say, without knowing it, she re-connected me with a part of myself that I haven’t seen in a really long time.

A few years ago, I contributed to The Yoga Lunchbox and wrote: the fundamental nature of happiness and our relationship between our inner world and the external world most often intertwine. Without realizing it, our happiness is often governed by the external world. For example, if someone frowns at us, honks a horn at us, calls us crazy, disagrees with some of our viewpoints or thinks badly of us, our happiness most often instantly becomes interrupted. That can play out into violence towards ourselves or to others. [My article].


Happiness that is so easily taken away from us is not true happiness. True happiness is looking deep within ourselves and saying “I’m enough.” Because as long as we look to others for approval, we’ll never have enough.

What you are about to read is one seriously ridiculous part of this story. Every single god damn word. Because therapy is badass. We’re talking Arnold Schwarzenegger and Lou Ferrigno had their genes combined to create a clone baby. And that baby kicked a soccer ball to the sky. And then the sky fucking exploded. And fucking candy flew out. Delicious candy too, not like Twizzlers or some shit like that. Oreo’s. Doughnuts. Milk. It’s more badass than that.

I’ve been looking for a way out my struggles only to realize that the reason for my pain comes from me trying to be someone I’m not. That’s exactly what my therapist brought to the forefront of my mind when she spoke to me last week. As the quote at the beginning of this article says, “make your own hope.”


What is hope?

It is a thing of love and curiosity.

Even though I don’t 100% believe it, I want to fight through the night so that I could see the sun rise. Deep down, I’m hoping that at any moment, something will change.

There is a man who killed the part of me that enjoyed being alive. It’s like I’m just a body with no identity. It’s tough. I cry myself to sleep while struggling to sleep, I struggle to eat, I struggle to be productive and keep a healthy mind and body.

But then there are things to keep in mind. Waking up each day means that you have an opportunity to change the way you think and live your life.

As Doctor Who says: the good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.

Right now, make a list of everything good in your life, big or small. Then make a list of your struggles. What do you notice? Remember that your thoughts and choices are a reflection of who you are. Your perception creates your reality, but that’s okay because you can always change the way you think. That’ll in turn, change the way you feel and behave.

Remember that you can’t believe in your negative thoughts but expect a positive reality.

Now, where was I?! Right! Wouldn’t it be cool if life paid us for work with milk and cookies? Or candy? Let’s make that happen.

The end.

PS: If you’re wondering what the title means, reversal simply means a change in the opposite direction. It means I found a way back to a small piece of who I once was, thanks to Chloe and all the lessons I’ve learned in the last year. Team work definitely makes dream work. (Look at that. Being so cliche, even if honest, caused by fingers to spontaneously erupt).

I’m just pulling your leg there. My fingers are fine.

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