An ambiguous feeling filled the atmosphere. Suddenly, I was split into pieces. Each and every part of me was in a separate place. My soul was in a nomadic venture, it was there yet absent. It was in the air and was able to see all the parts and at the same time living them. And with time, all the parts dried off and withered, apart from two.
These two stayed for long. They endured the separation and the malignant torture of an absent soul. I was looking from above and within each part. The first part decided to stay as me for as long as he could. The other, however, submitted to a deviation and named himself after one of the characters from my one of my recent stories… Andres.
He was shouting, screaming and uttering profanities at the first one, who decided to stay as Aji. “I’m not you, I hate you… call me Andres. I’m Andres Almas!” Aji decided to leave Andres, and each went on his separate way.
I was Andres and Aji at the same time. Andres was the melancholic impatient part of me, and I should have never let him go on his separate way. When I was Andres, I was thinking about cutting all ties with me, Aji. I ran over the streets along the pavements, taking my phone out recording my voice as it’s done in a healing session at a psychiatric. Andres detested me. And when he saw the chance he escaped from the vice of my sense and consciousness. He was now an independent person, a completely new being. When he decided to go, I told him that I was waiting, cause he’s still me and no matter how the differences, I’m still him.
I went back to be Aji again, a mundane soul, yet sane nevertheless. Every single brink of madness has deserted me along with Andres. My taste in music changed and my playlist was now cherished with more playful and joyous songs. I felt in absolute peace. I was cheered up, alive and misery free.
I was in the park walking enjoying my peace until a vision, out of nowhere, abrupt my serene walk. In a matter of a blink, I started to percept events through the eyes of Andres again. Visioning two people passionately kissing in front of me, I knew one of them, it was a guy whom I resembled a Swiss TV character and the other remained peculiar. I didn’t know who she was, but somehow it made Andres writhe in agony. The vision was over and I was at the park again with the sun about to set and the joyous music in my ears becoming intolerable now.
The next day, in the morning I went to the subway station to go to yet another peculiar place. The station was empty despite it being 11 a.m. the railway tunnel was dark, a black LED screen with orange writings flashing every now and then indicating the arrival time of the next train was after 5 minutes. Then suddenly from behind me, another cold, numb and poignant voice started to sing in a specific tone which I was familiar with. “Tu safar mere” the voice whispered in a shuddering tone. It was a song from a Bollywood movie I loved to death. Then the voice started to whistle on the melodies of “Ae dil hae mushkil”
I looked back and oh my God! It was miserable me again or as he calls himself now… Andres Almas. He was sitting on a bench with his suitcase put vertically on his knees; he was balancing it with his chin and engulfing it with both of his arms like a mother embracing her toddler.
The view changed again, I’m heaving again and watching a confrontation between me and… me. “There you are, dear! I was worried about you” Aji cried “Thank God you’re safe”. Andres looked blankly and haughtily said, “That’s what you think”. Then the upheaval finished and I descended into Aji again. With a serene yet ignorant effort, I tried to bring some sense back into him. So that he can join me again. To delete that demon named Andres and embrace the other part of me with all its insecurities and flaws. Andres blurted out “Where the hell were you? I was waiting for you to come back. And the moment you did you didn’t give a damn about me and left me quickly again”. I was astounded, now I’m the criminal despite Andres being the vindictive one here. “Listen!” I cried. Andres stopped me immediately. “No you listen, don’t you freaking dare to interrupt me again. I’m sick of always listening to you and trying to comply with what you wanted! You always ran away from me even at the instance you saw Alicia kissing the other Swiss guy… You ran away, you freaking ran away!!”
– “Hey, Alicia isn’t real. She was just a character I created for a story”
– “a character YOU created?! Andres started to burst like a volcano “listen to me you self-professed deluded obsessive writer wannabe. Alicia was and is real & she’s living inside me. It was me who took all the torture and sustained a demon within so that I can seek a light and follow a trace that takes me to Alicia. And then as you always do, you took the name, my solemn creative solution of hiding Alicia under an unknown identity, to hide the name that was agonizing and tormenting my whole existence, and turned it into a cheap story for the sake of some social media attention and phony appreciations and praises from your friends. And then you were so obnoxious towards me and named yourself Ajiness, disregarding me.”
“How dare you!!” I yelled, “We created Alic..” Andres didn’t let me finish and again interjected. “We?! Now it’s we!! After all this time of me taking all the anguish and my flesh and bone got smeared and crumbled while you, narcissist, were enjoying your days with your buddy, the illusion of Ajiness. Now I will make your life easier. I will let you enjoy all your laughs, smiles and cuddling. I will put an end to this so that you can grin from ear to ear… all of it”
I shrieked “Aji don’t do it”, “I’m Andres Freaking Almas, yet you insist on calling me with that name” Andres shouted again. “Okay! Andres Almas Okay! Andres please, you are me and I’m you, we are completing each other. I don’t know what curse it was that rived us form each other, but we should be within one body. I sincerely acknowledge you and your creativity and the fact that you took all the knocks for me and…”
“Stop it Aji!!” Andres said calmly. At that time, the sound of a metal passing on the railway started to cut through the tangible tension in the station. The LED screen was showing less than one minute, a dim light appeared from the other side of the dark tunnel and the steel barriers covering the subway wirings appeared with the reflection of a yellowish light of a train moving with immense velocity illuminating the dark tunnel.
Andres ran to the ends of the concrete ramp and crossed the yellow lines. Looked at me with yet another aching gaze, opened his mouth and said goodbye quietly. Pulled his hands out and waved at me. I started screaming crying “No Andres, Please No, for the love of God, not God. For the love of Alicia, please don’t do it” the train approached and Andres turned his ears deaf to everything. I ran to catch him and desperately save both of us. But he already had a plan and he was determined to do it.
Just before the train reached him he left the ramp and jumped in front of it. I screamed my lungs out shouting, screaming and crying of what I saw. I couldn’t accept the fact that I just saw a part of me so recklessly commit a crime against himself. I was in rivers of tear and perspiring blood.
People started to come out of the train freaked out and shocked at what just happened. They were looking at me, soaked in bloody perspiration. My cheeks wet and hardened as pebbles beside a running creed from tears I shed at that instance. A lot of shrieks, hushing, sighs and cries were surrounding me. But I was muted, diving in an ocean of silence, sinking in an atrocious feeling of utter resentment towards myself.
The silence grew heavier, people were walking around me but I was drowned in the quietness of the calamity I just witnessed. They were apparently talking but I was hearing none. I was delirious, after that curse which had riven me, it was for the first time I was felt whole. I remembered Alicia and the scene of her kissing the Swiss guy, I remembered being sad and thinking that I’m not myself. I remembered staring at others with pitiful eyes and glancing at myself with a merciless hatred. Now I wanted to forget everything. I wanted a salient earthquake of dementia to hit me and send shockwaves through all my systems. I wanted to give myself a new identity. After what I saw, I wanted to fade away. I wanted to turn obsolete like pagers. I decided to be a new person. I’m now a regenerated version of myself, a new being and a fresh soul. I’m whole now… I’m Andres Almas.
This short story was posted first on askywalkersblog.wordpress.com and published on BayArt after the approval of the author.