45+ Best Robert California Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

Robert California, also known as Bob Kazamakis, is a fictional character on the U.S. comedy television series The Office, portrayed by James Spader. Profoundly inspirational Robert California quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

Legends never die, and best quotes from The Office and most memorable Michael Scott quotes will make you laughter in a unique comedic style. Between funny quotes by Kevin Malone, hilarious Dwight Schrute quotes and classic Jim Halpert quotes, all of them will help put a smile on your face.

Famous Robert California Quotes

Oof! Wouldn’t wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. I’m actually the CEO. – Robert California

Yes, For God’s sake, Andy, yes, please come in. – Robert California

Our favorite names, silly made-up names, normal names said in a silly voice. Wouldn’t That be nice? – Robert California

You don’t work in sales, do you. – Robert California

[Speaking to Andy over the phone] You don’t even know my real name. I’m the fcking Lizard King. – Robert California

Erin when you recount your day never say you woke up. That’s a waste of your time. That’s how every day is begun for everyone since the dawn of man. – Robert California

I never allow sexual desire to influence a business decision. So I find It best to recuse myself temporarily until I’ve had a chance to make love, and then go back and analyze the situation rationally. Buffett operates the same way. – Robert California

Jim, what does your daughter think of the street? – Robert California

Trust me, one nine minute bout is the cardiovascular equivalent of running uphill for three hours. I could go to the gym three times a week, or I could wrestle Stu once a month. – Robert California

Robert California quotes

You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does It matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don’t be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. – Robert California

You people say I led you, but it wasn’t me. You want to toast the man who led you to success, but the boss is irrelevant. Andy and I, we produce nothing. We do nothing. We sit in our offices and demand, I want this and that right now, like petulant children. You know, the difference between a crying baby and a manager? One day, the baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting for someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, for allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers. – Robert California

Can everyone just, please… I had a one-man saturnalia last night, in celebration of the finalization of my divorce. I got into a case of Australian reds, and – how should I say this – Columbian whites. What – what is this about, uh, Binghamton? – Robert California

Ah. Well, I will not be blackmailed by some ineffectual, privileged, effete, soft-pnised debutante. You wanna start a street fight with me, bring It on, but you’re gonna be surprised by how ugly It gets. You don’t even know my real name. I’m the fcking lizard king. – Robert California

I’m afraid you’ve lost my interest. – Robert California

My point is, there is one person in charge of every office in America, and that person is Charles Darwin. In the end, doesn’t he decide who the manager is? – Robert California

When I was a boy, there was an empty house just up the hill from my family’s. It was rumored a man committed suicide there after being possessed by the devil. – Robert California

Do I look like someone who would waste my own time? – Robert California

Here’s what It is, it’s a doodle. Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised, don’t you think? – Robert California

Sesame Street. – Robert California

One day, a young woman, Lydia, moved into the house with Her infant child. That very night, Lydia was awakened by a loud, heinous hissing sound. [hisses] She walked to the nursery, and there, in baby’s crib, was a snake wrapped around baby’s neck, squeezing tighter and tighter. – Robert California

Will you be heard? Will you have a voice? Will I steamroll over you? Do you feel heard right now, Jim? Do you have a voice, right now? You can answer me. – Robert California

best Robert California quotes

There’s something about an underdog That really inspires the unexceptional. – Robert California

Elmo. God save us… the Elmo era. Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. The complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Our’s is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn’t you agree? – Robert California

The crib was full of dirt. Baby struggled to free itself from underneath, reaching and clawing, gasping for air. Embalmed bodies rose from their sarcophagi, lurching toward baby. For they were mummies. – Robert California

I am so tired of the Black Eyed Peas… It’s rock and roll for people who don’t like rock and roll, it’s rap for people who don’t like rap, it’s pop for people who don’t like pop. – Robert California

One day, the Baby will grow up. But, without you, Andy and I would be sitting in our dirty diapers, waiting For someone to change us, wipe us. I should be toasting you, thanking you, For allowing me to have the easiest job in the universe. Cheers. – Robert California

That was your choice, not mine. The fallacy is That It is up to the steamroller. It is up to the object… whether It will be flattened or not, and I can tell from the small interaction we’ve had already, you won’t be flattened by anybody. Do you agree with me, Jim? – Robert California

Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I’ll tell you some thing I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social cues, and then inevitably reframing It all in a reassuring way so That you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in That at all. – Robert California

For Lydia and Her husband had had an argument, one they couldn’t get past. Each night, they slept one inch farther apart, until one night, Lydia left. It was about this time She lost herself in imaginary worlds. She had quit the book club, the choir, citing something about their high expectations. Her lips slowly grew together from disuse. – Robert California

Hey, my friend, trust me. This is For the best. I never understood that corporate mess. – Robert California

Florida is America’s basement. It’s wet, it’s filled with mold, the strange insects… alligators… alligators are dinosaurs, Dwight! You knew that right? – Robert California

Every time She wanted to act and didn’t, another part of Her face hardened, until It was stone. And That fevered night, She rushed to the nursery, threw open the door, ‘Baby, are you okay?’ Baby sat up slowly, turned to mother and said, ‘I’m fine, btch. I’m fine.’ – Robert California

I am never uncomfortable – Robert California

That business can’t attract anyone. It’s awful up there. Those people seem like they’re in prison, waiting out life sentences in a… dying industry. – Robert California

If I invited you to lunch, I think you’re a winner. If I didn’t I don’t. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners, prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong. – Robert California

When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here: Marley and Me and On Golden F*cking Pond. – Robert California

They never have improved on the Oreo, have they? – Robert California

I know you now, your nature. I’m done. Not worth continuing. [at the same time, Dwight says: You don’t know me! Anything about me! Get out of my head!] – Robert California

You read my notebook? And photo-copied it? And distributed it? – Robert California

I know you now. I know your nature. I’m done. Not worth continuing. – Robert California

Shaping a company is, in a sense, similar to training a geisha. You have to mold not merely the physical form, but also the character. The two must harmonize. Are they still there? They want a decision who gets the big client. Well, they can wait. I’ll still be talking about geishas long past their bedtime. You know, I trained as one. – Robert Califonria

I saw an episode of how they make paper on Sesame Street. [nods at Dwight mockingly] – Robert California

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