Jack Roy, also known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, voice artist, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liners humor, his catchphrase “I get no respect!” and his monologues on that theme. Funny Rodney Dangerfield quotes and jokes will broaden your horizon while making making you laugh out loud!
If you’re searching for famous comedy quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of Steven Wright Quotes, sarcastic George Carlin quotes, and wise Groucho Marx quotes.
Most Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. – Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. – Rodney Dangerfield
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all. – Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke. – Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife. – Rodney Dangerfield
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers. – Rodney Dangerfield
I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. – Rodney Dangerfield
I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ‘no. – Rodney Dangerfield
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. – Rodney Dangerfield
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. – Rodney Dangerfield
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. – Rodney Dangerfield
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield
Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife’s cooking is so bad the fly’s fix our screens – Rodney Dangerfield
I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynecologist firmly believes I am. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back – Rodney Dangerfield
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence. – Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician, I would be honest. – Rodney Dangerfield
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. – Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said, ‘God beat me to it.’ – Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. – Rodney Dangerfield
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages. – Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. – Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear, I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. – Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. – Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. – Rodney Dangerfield
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette. – Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. – Rodney Dangerfield
Life is just a bowl of pits. – Rodney Dangerfield
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control. – Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a dog I got; his favorite bone is in my arm. – Rodney Dangerfield
It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee, and he told me about the butcher and my wife. – Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. – Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. – Rodney Dangerfield
Funny Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. – Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light. – Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. – Rodney Dangerfield
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. – Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. – Rodney Dangerfield
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. – Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. – Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely. – Rodney Dangerfield
Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion. – Rodney Dangerfield
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. – Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. – Rodney Dangerfield
I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck. – Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I’ve got – he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer. – Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my psychiatrist, ‘I keep thinking about suicide’, and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. – Rodney Dangerfield
You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight. – Rodney Dangerfield
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. – Rodney Dangerfield
People seldom live up to their baby pictures. – Rodney Dangerfield
My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six, I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch. – Rodney Dangerfield
I joined gamblers anon.; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn’t make it! I joined AA, there was a two-drink minimum! – Rodney Dangerfield
…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. Surprise me, I said. So, he showed me a naked picture of my wife. – Rodney Dangerfield
Last week I told my wife, if you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer. – Rodney Dangerfield
I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So, I changed the image to I don’t get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I’d play hide and seek, and the other kids wouldn’t even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too – I don’t get no respect. I figured, let’s try it again. – Rodney Dangerfield
They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home. – Rodney Dangerfield
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn’t see the mouse trap. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, we want five thousand dollars, or you’ll see your kid again. – Rodney Dangerfield
It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald. – Rodney Dangerfield
Once when I was lost, I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, ‘Do you think we’ll ever find them?’ He answered, ‘I don’t know, kid. There are so many places they can hide. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. – Rodney Dangerfield
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one. – Rodney Dangerfield
The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction. – Rodney Dangerfield
My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state? – Rodney Dangerfield
I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth. – Rodney Dangerfield
She was old too, when she went to school, they didn’t have history. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor; I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. – Rodney Dangerfield
Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise. – Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through. – Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house…so he moved. – Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya when I fly, I don’t get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin’ and had to do the dishes. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife a man is like wine; he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. – Rodney Dangerfield
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where’d you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck. – Rodney Dangerfield
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn’t eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower. – Rodney Dangerfield
I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’ – Rodney Dangerfield
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark. – Rodney Dangerfield
They say love thy neighbor as thy self, what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. – Rodney Dangerfield
Don’t talk about yourself so much…we’ll do that when you leave. – Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat. – Rodney Dangerfield
I told my kids, Someday, you’ll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you. – Rodney Dangerfield
I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! – Rodney Dangerfield
I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport. – Rodney Dangerfield
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. – Rodney Dangerfield
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me. – Rodney Dangerfield
Hilarious Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
- I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
- I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
