I’ve spent a lot of my life being miserable and negative. It’s typically what I cover when I write in my personal blog, which has taken a backseat in life as of late. Mostly, this is because I am working a new job, and I am trying to figure out how to live life when you work at least 40 hours a week most weeks.
So my new thing is what I’m calling “Time Efficiency.” Yes, it’s exactly how it sounds. I am assessing where the hours of my life go and taking stock of how that contributes to my overall well-being.
Here’s what I’m learning so far.
I waste A TON of time. Seriously, it’s almost ridiculous. For instance, today, I spent a good chunk of my day lying in bed doing absolutely nothing.
That’s the ugly part of being someone who is constantly riddled with anxiety. I feel anxious about getting out of bed while feeling anxious about everything I’m not getting done by staying in bed.
I’ve realized the real damage anxiety creates in me: inertia. As the sort of cliched phrase goes,”I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”
So naturally, physics has my answer. A body in motion stays in motion.
This is probably why we tell someone to become busy after a breakup. Inertia breeds inertia.
Isn’t it interesting how our mental state shapes us as people?
I spent years denying the hell out of that. Like somehow I could transcend my thoughts and use action to prove that negativity wrong. Although, I didn’t really see that until someone pointed it out to me.
He told me that constantly anticipating the worst was keeping me in this constant state of negativity, which was making me miserable. And, of course, I said, “No, it’s not like that.”
But that’s exactly what I’ve done for over three decades… he’s just the first person to directly call me out on my bull shit. He’s also the first to get me to listen and realize that maybe he’s right.
Shhh… Don’t tell him that, 🙂
I told him that my anxiety is like a constant state of fear. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff and feeling that constant terror of taking that one wrong step. You know, that breeze that accidentally sends you plummeting towards your death? Tripping over your own foot? Things like that.
While there’s an exhilaration from almost falling and then catching yourself… I never get there. I always teeter on that edge… waiting. That’s no way to live, and I know it.
Actually, negativity was my coping mechanism. To an extent, it still is. I think that if I tell myself that things are going to suck, then I am merely using a pulley to sink myself into this canyon below my feet. The fall can’t hurt if you’re already halfway down.
The reality is that it’s no way to live. It’s choosing flight over and over. There’s no courage or enjoyment in that. And don’t we all deserve to feel the exhilaration that also comes with conquest?
You can’t feel conquest if you can’t even see the sun.
I guess what I’m saying is that I want to figure out how to achieve… so I can finally see that beautiful sun again.
Is my “Time Efficiency” method the way to do this? Is it merely another name for mindfulness? Maybe. Maybe not. I really don’t know.
That’s ok, though. At least it’s something to put my mind to in the hopes that I can make my life into something I want to live.
I’m glad to be back, BayArt. Hope to talk to you soon.