As I flailed about from doctor to vet (multiple times) the past couple of days due to my rabbit passing blood in its urine and having to undergo surgery, I have been struggling to keep the balance (literally) in my life. With my father and sister at work with really long hours and my mother’s back issue which limits her from bending down without pain thus confining her to lie down at almost all times, I had to be the one to pick up my rabbit to move it into its carrier bag.
Now this doesn’t help the dizziness having to chase (rabbits are prey animals and have a natural instinct to run and hide) my rabbit half-looking down before picking it up quickly. I’ve had to do this multiple times a day to syringe feed it every four hours as it has been refusing to eat after its surgery. Coupled with a few scares that forced me to hasten my steps way too fast for my equilibrium hopping into an Uber to get to the vet asap has left me with vertigo every night and a very imbalanced me. How I am typing this I don’t know. I just feel I have too. Please excuse any typo errors for I cannot really see and I have this brain fog thing over my mind.
See also: Ringing, buzzing, blocked in the ears. Blurred vision. Increased motion sickness. Nausea. Spinal and especially neck pains and discomfort (scoliosis) that has cost me precious sleep.
This is not a post about my rabbit. The only friend I have left. This is about a person dealing with constant dizziness and vertigo who has reached her limits multiple times. I very much want to die. As of now, it is God – 0 vs Depression -1.
I constantly think about how long God will allow me to be tested. Replaying the stories in the Bible, especially Job’s keeps me going with just a tiny bit of hope each day. Each second.
Sometimes I ask him very unhappily, about how he could allow someone who’s suffered depression for so many years get into a state like this after a prank gone wrong. Thanks God, as if the depression and anxiety hasn’t been enough torment from my teen to adult years. I’ve struggled getting to school, work, out with friends yes, but I always pushed myself because not having a career and financial security would make me more depressed. I never let it consume me.
Each time I think of suicide now, I think of my friend who took her life in January last year. The hurt that hit my heart, that ache. I will never forget. I cannot imagine what her family is going through.
The thing about suicide though, most people would say the very highly annoying word of choice: Selfish.
How is suicide selfish? Well. They leave their family, partner, friends who love them very much. Okay I get it.
But.. Has anyone thought about the person who committed suicide? What could drive a person to the edge even with loving people surrounding them? Chester Bennington is a recent example.
The person who committed suicide loved or was loving someone. The person had a close friend. The person was loved.
Have you ever thought of the person who despite being surrounded by at least 1 person who loved them still chose to take their life? What could drive a person to that extent? That choice?
This person who chose to die must have been in so much misery. So much pain. Emotional pain is far worst than physical pain trust me. Imagine waking up everyday to no hope? No will to even want to brush your teeth or pee or have a delicious bowl of cereal. No will to want to kiss your kids whom you love so much good morning. No will to do anything.
We cannot say that people who committed suicide are selfish. Indeed through my tears I asked her why. Why did she choose to die without even leaving a note. Nothing. Angry, yes. Hurt, yes. Selfish? No. I completely understand why she did it having had the same feelings countless times.
We cannot judge if a person goes to hell or not by taking their own life. You never know if halfway down the building an angel appeared to them and they repented and regretted. You never know. Only God knows them. God knows their hurt.
So to all who wish to die tonight, I ask you to hold back. To hope that everything has a reason. Especially life. Why people fight for it so bad. There is a meaning. Offer up your feelings and sufferings tonight for those who have chosen to take their lives. That God will show his love and mercy on their hurt and misery that drove them to the end. That one day, we will all meet again.
May you choose not to leave someone behind but to fight your suffering. Find yourself and your purpose in your suffering and how it all came to this day.
No one can give up on us, only ourselves.
Stay strong. If no one loves you. I do. As your cyber friend, merely another human being who is barely hanging on too.
“Keep claiming the light which will eventually overcome darkness”
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression