In my last blog, I talked about taking responsibility for my problems. I discovered l had been going through life with ‘victim’ inscribed on my forehead. Because of my hurtful past, I wholeheartedly believed my life would always be a struggle. To acknowledge the part I have played in creating my current situation gave me a lot of hope for the future. Although my diagnosis of anxiety and depression shed some light on past traumas and explained most of my behaviors, it also instilled complacency and hopelessness.
I believed my healing depended on the ones that hurt me,and their willingness to right their wrongs. If they could see how much they have hurt me, how their judgments incapacitated me, perhaps they would understand why I am this way. They would be remorseful. They would be compassionate. They would love me back to health/out of depression. I craved to be loved by them. I never expected apologies; I just wanted them to stop treating me like shit-is that too much to f*cking ask of your family?
Apparently, it is.
Leaving the past behind becomes impossible when people persist in their cutting ways. For the sake of consistency, they kicked me while I was down, criticized my diagnosis, and then, abandoned me when I voiced my frustrations. As the youngest in my family, it was culturally appropriate for me to be submissive. For years, I suffered, filled with rage and self-pity, I downplayed my emotions and allowed them to continue to mistreat me.I refused to face the truth that my family may never change and that was a colossal mistake.
Today, I know better. I’m choosing to accept them, unconditionally; plus, I’m pretty sure I have used up my allotment of ‘waiting for things that would never happen’.
I have decided to take ownership of my life and for that, I need an action plan. My mind is wounded, strengthened by a belief system that wants to keep me safe (victimized), it is resistant to change. I can tell my ego feels threatened by this new insight, so, naturally, self-sabotage is right around the corner. I’m approaching the process with lucidity, I look forward to many successes but I’m also prepared for some missteps along the way.
I’m stepping out of the shadows of my family, with love.
I’m excited to uncover what I’m made of…I’m guessing diamond.?