50+ Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. You can learn much more from funny quotes, hilarious jokes and witty sayings by comedian Steven Wright.

If you’re searching for quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of wise George Carlin quotes, funny Groucho Marx quotes, and smiling Robin Williams quotes.

Best Steven Wright Quotes

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The judge asked, What do you plead? I said, Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, Hello? and I said, Hello, could I speak to Joey?… They said, Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old. I said, I’ll wait.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

What a nice night for an evening.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Inspirational Steven Wright Quotes

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I went to a fancy french restaurant called Deja Vu. The headwaiter said, Don’t I know you?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, What for? I said, I’m going to buy some sugar.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If you write the word monkey a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.