197+ Most Famous Steven Wright Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Steven Alexander Wright is an American stand-up comedian. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. You can learn much more from funny quotes, hilarious jokes and witty sayings by comedian Steven Wright.

If you’re searching for quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of wise George Carlin quotes, funny Groucho Marx quotes, and smiling Robin Williams quotes.

Best Steven Wright Quotes

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof? – Steven Wright

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. – Steven Wright

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time. – Steven Wright

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? – Steven Wright

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? – Steven Wright

I am writing a book. So far, I have the pages numbered. – Steven Wright

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. – Steven Wright

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear. – Steven Wright

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. – Steven Wright

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction. – Steven Wright

When I was 16… I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because… they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. – Steven Wright

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me. – Steven Wright

It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‘What the hell am I doing?’ – Steven Wright

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do. – Steven Wright

I thought I would be a guy on the radio. – Steven Wright

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I’m much more expressive off stage. – Steven Wright

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous. – Steven Wright

It usually helps me write by reading – somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear. – Steven Wright

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don’t. – Steven Wright

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at. – Steven Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. – Steven Wright

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So, I kept it all in my head for years and years. – Steven Wright

I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11. – Steven Wright

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‘Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.’ – Steven Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough. – Steven Wright

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add. – Steven Wright

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses. – Steven Wright

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. – Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. – Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. – Steven Wright

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. – Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written. – Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out. – Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving. – Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. – Steven Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor. – Steven Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It’s like my friend, almost. – Steven Wright

I don’t like politicians, and I don’t like politics. I definitely don’t want to be associated with any of them. – Steven Wright

I wear a hat on stage so that people won’t be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don’t wear a hat, there’s no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage. – Steven Wright

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram. – Steven Wright

I’m going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia. – Steven Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics. – Steven Wright

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny. – Steven Wright

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is. – Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’ – Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it. – Steven Wright

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? – Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. – Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord. – Steven Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’ – Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. – Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it. – Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. – Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. – Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this someday on stage.’ – Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. – Steven Wright

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography. – Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk. – Steven Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see. – Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place. – Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. – Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’ – Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. – Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. – Steven Wright

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I’m really thinking about. – Steven Wright

When I was a little kid, we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually. – Steven Wright

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right. – Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often? – Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? – Steven Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. – Steven Wright

I was born. When I was 23, I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end. – Steven Wright

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me. – Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – Steven Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. – Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos. – Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. – Steven Wright

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business. – Steven Wright

I paint; I draw and paint – I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy. – Steven Wright

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it. – Steven Wright

I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house. – Steven Wright

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. – Steven Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. – Steven Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut – he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about. – Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure. – Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. – Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time, but I didn’t know what to add to it. – Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? – Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere. – Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people? – Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn’t have to go so fast. – Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time. – Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ – Steven Wright

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. – Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. – Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. – Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. – Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out. – Steven Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically. – Steven Wright

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me. – Steven Wright

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. – Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age? – Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ‘Well, what do you need?’ – Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand. – Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. – Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. – Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Steven Wright

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, ‘do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?’. So I said, ‘oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.’ – Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. – Steven Wright

No one is listening until you make a mistake. – Steven Wright

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. – Steven Wright

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? – Steven Wright

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? – Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ – Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. – Steven Wright

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? – Steven Wright

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? – Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! – Steven Wright

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. – Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, What for? – Steven Wright

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. – Steven Wright

I have not lost my mind – it’s backed up on disk somewhere. – Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I’m in a submarine that’s been hit. – Steven Wright

Why do banks charge you anon-sufficient funds feeon money they already know you don’t have? – Steven Wright

Laughingstock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Steven Wright

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Steven Wright

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it. – Steven Wright

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? – Steven Wright

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat – Steven Wright

How come abbreviated is such a long word? – Steven Wright

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’ – Steven Wright

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself. – Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. – Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. – Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. – Steven Wright

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? – Steven Wright

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? – Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments. – Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. – Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. – Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Steven Wright

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? – Steven Wright

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? – Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? – Steven Wright

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? – Steven Wright

They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right. – Steven Wright

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. – Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said, ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said, ‘self-service’. So, I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. – Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. – Steven Wright

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one? – Steven Wright

Whose cruel idea was it for the wordlispto have ansin it? – Steven Wright

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead? – Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ – Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. – Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious! – Steven Wright

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. – Steven Wright

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? – Steven Wright

How do you get off a non-stop flight? – Steven Wright

When I turned two, I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety. – Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? – Steven Wright

Half the people you know are below average. – Steven Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? – Steven Wright

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. – Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing. – Steven Wright

Right now, I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? – Steven Wright

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? – Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. – Steven Wright

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. – Steven Wright

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? – Steven Wright

always remember your unique, just like everone else – Steven Wright

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny? – Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? – Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. – Steven Wright

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. – Steven Wright

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps – Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – Steven Wright

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. – Steven Wright

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. – Steven Wright

Why isn’t the wordphoneticallyspelled with anf? – Steven Wright

I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter. – Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,Didn’t you see the stop sign?I said,Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read – Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said,Got any shoes you’re not using? – Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. – Steven Wright

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there. – Steven Wright

I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him. – Steven Wright

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