Stuck by accident or by choice

I’m studying for my master’s degree – marriage and family therapy – and I don’t know if I walked into the wolf’s den on purpose or by mistake. No family is perfect, and I had my fair share of watching intimate partner violence at home because of my parents. We never went to therapy, and now I am studying to be the therapist. The issue here is – as I am learning how to be a therapist to others, I can’t help but go back into the past and pluck each memory to analyze it and say “that’s why that happened”. You know when you’re a kid and you watch a reality show, and you think that’s happening in real time cause hey, nobody told you how television works yet, and then all of a sudden you realize that it isn’t in real time and in fact the actors recorded it months ago and you’re watching it when the producers wanted it on tv and in “real time” actors are doing whatever the hell they do when they aren’t working ? Yeah. That’s how I feel. Maybe that was a crappy example, I don’t know. I’m so clouded. How am I helping myself find the truth to all my troubles? If this is by mistake, how do I stop going back into the past? I think my soul is doing this to me. I feel I have lost the page I was on and now I’m going back and forth flipping through the book of my life and it’s as if the stuff I had deleted has brought itself to the surface again. Am I stuck by accident ? I think I knew deep down before any decision, that I would be questioning everything, and because I knew that prior to anything, maybe I’m reaching a break through.  I make no sense, and yet it is perfectly clear. 

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