The past couple of weeks have been dreadful. Ambushed by depression, I feel stuck.
My battle with depression and anxiety is a grueling process that requires awareness and healthy daily routines. I cannot afford to sit around basking in nothingness since being idle provides a playground for nefarious thoughts. Therefore, I do my best to keep busy, accomplishing absolutely nothing! The goal is distraction and it’s often aimless. But it does the trick, and in the end, I successfully avoid facing myself and my pesky emotions. Recently, I began challenging myself: I had a breakdown, sat with myself and confronted false beliefs. Congratulations to me! I’m now questionably enlightened.
The truth is I STILL feel like shit.
I fight every day not to go under. But what do you do when no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to come out of the abyss.
When I realized my best efforts to overcome the impasse were not enough, I switched to barely trying, that, definitely was not cutting it, so I threw my hands up, so far up, I nearly dislocated my shoulders . Tantrums are hazardous.
My overzealous mind took the wheels. It was swift. Soon, I was plowing into false beliefs, unsubstantiated fears, people and situations I no longer cared to remember. I collided with my broken dreams while racing towards an obscure horizon. My mind was caught up in a storm.
I bounced from past to future with most days spent in a daze. I drowned in my sorrows. I expected my anxiety to kick in, but instead, I felt numb. I was physically exhausted from sitting with my grievances. Lethargic, I shuffled around the apartment to perform mundane tasks. Finally, I collapsed under the weight of my sadness. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to smash things, but I would have been stuck with a massive clean-up – domestic aggravation was the last thing I needed. Instead, I was overcome with a familiar apathy that I had not experienced in quite some time.
You see, I have not completely accepted my life as it is today. No matter how many times I try to make myself feel better by muttering irksome platitudes like” everything happens for a reason” or “this too shall pass” I still find it hard to get over my past. I’m filled with regrets. I frequently wander into the past, replaying in my head, situations that were traumatic. I dwell in the “could haves” and “should haves”. I blame myself for not knowing better (let that sink in for a moment).
I understand it’s a waste of time, but emotionally I feel stuck. I hurt.
I’m not sure how long I can withstand the agony. When periods of despair linger too long, I question my entire journey: is the fight worth it? Am I ever going to be free of the torments of my past? What if my best life was in the womb?(ok,the last one is a bit of a stretch) So many unsettling questions to which there seems to be only one answer: Give up!
Throughout the years, the powerful blows I have suffered didn’t knock me out but they certainly have left me wobbling through this darkness I call my life. I can’t see clearly: I’m blinded by pain. My heart cannot guide me: I built a wall around it.
Today, I’m not fighting. I’m not fixing. I’m not giving up.
Today, I’m stuck.