Stuck

The past couple of weeks have been dreadful. Ambushed by depression, I feel stuck.

My battle with depression and anxiety is a grueling process that requires awareness and healthy daily routines. I cannot afford to sit around basking in nothingness since being idle provides a playground for nefarious thoughts. Therefore, I do my best to keep busy, accomplishing absolutely nothing! The goal is distraction and it’s often aimless. But it does the trick, and in the end, I successfully avoid facing myself and my pesky emotions. Recently, I began challenging myself: I had a breakdown, sat with myself and confronted false beliefs. Congratulations to me! I’m now questionably enlightened.

The truth is I STILL feel like shit.

I fight every day not to go under. But what do you do when no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to come out of the abyss.
When I realized my best efforts to overcome the impasse were not enough, I switched to barely trying, that, definitely was not cutting it, so I threw my hands up, so far up, I nearly dislocated my shoulders . Tantrums are hazardous.

My overzealous mind took the wheels. It was swift. Soon, I was plowing into false beliefs, unsubstantiated fears, people and situations I no longer cared to remember. I collided with my broken dreams while racing towards an obscure horizon. My mind was caught up in a storm.

I bounced from past to future with most days spent in a daze. I drowned in my sorrows. I expected my anxiety to kick in, but instead, I felt numb. I was physically exhausted from sitting with my grievances. Lethargic, I shuffled around the apartment to perform mundane tasks. Finally, I collapsed under the weight of my sadness. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to smash things, but I would have been stuck with a massive clean-up – domestic aggravation was the last thing I needed. Instead, I was overcome with a familiar apathy that I had not experienced in quite some time.

You see, I have not completely accepted my life as it is today. No matter how many times I try to make myself feel better by muttering irksome platitudes like” everything happens for a reason” or “this too shall pass” I still find it hard to get over my past. I’m filled with regrets. I frequently wander into the past, replaying in my head, situations that were traumatic. I dwell in the “could haves” and “should haves”. I blame myself for not knowing better (let that sink in for a moment).

I understand it’s a waste of time, but emotionally I feel stuck. I hurt.

I’m not sure how long I can withstand the agony. When periods of despair linger too long, I question my entire journey: is the fight worth it? Am I ever going to be free of the torments of my past? What if my best life was in the womb?(ok,the last one is a bit of a stretch) So many unsettling questions to which there seems to be only one answer: Give up!

Throughout the years, the powerful blows I have suffered didn’t knock me out but they certainly have left me wobbling through this darkness I call my life. I can’t see clearly: I’m blinded by pain. My heart cannot guide me: I built a wall around it.

Today, I’m not fighting. I’m not fixing. I’m not giving up.

Today, I’m stuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Stuck”

  1. that is unspeakably sad what you write. You’re stuck, you can not get out of the past. You try to dispel the torment, distract. You know what. This sadness is contagious. If someone sits in a difficult situation and does not get out (like me), he tends to be infected by such sadness. I do not know, perhaps I’ll take away some sadness from you? It would be nice, however, if the conclusion allowed, that happiness is also contagious. And not played, but rather felt. How would you be when you are in situations that bring you joy and that fill you with love. Like to write ….. make more things like this, meet people, take opportunities or create opportunities ….. I wish you all the best!

    Reply
  2. I had the same feeling for a while!! but you know what? if you convince yourself about some certain stuff it will become your reality!
    back in 2016 I made it a habit whenever something unexpected happened I was muttering three words… “Fuck my life”!! it started with a joke but it became my reality! my life stated to get ruined!
    the solution is to let go and put some goals for yourself in life to achieve.. things that seems exceptionally impossible for you to achieve and work to achieve it!!!
    and let go of things that stress you a room.. change it. a furniture, buy a new one. a love (which I suffered severe depression because of it) find a new one that deserves you!!
    do not squander your life with despair and standing idle like a stagnant pond ^^

    Reply
    • Letting go is tricky when you’re still dealing with the people(family) that traumatized you. I’m working on setting boundaries,otherwise, I will be stuck forever. The process of healing has many ups and downs, and knowing how to navigate the different stages is an ability I have not yet mastered.
      Funny how I also underestimated the power of ‘fuck my life’ – it became a self-fulfilling prophecy!!!

      I’m happy you were able to turn things around.

      Thank you for the advice, Aji.

      Reply

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