Like most tragic events in life, large or small, I would be hard pressed to tell you how this all began.
Did it start as early as I suspect, from infanthood, the feeling of abandonment that children get when their parents are not quite ready or capable of being the kind of parents that provide not just the material goods we all require in early life, but the sense of love and security that any child needs at the beginning, by being held and reassured?
Knowing what I know of my father it is possible.
Did it start once my schooling began when one little incident marked me for life as the loser, the one to be pointed at, the one to be pushed aside and shunned, hearing the words come out of the mouths of your peers that crush your soul down into a little compact box, never to be opened?
Was it coming home, hearing the same words and phrases (loser, lazy, ugly, worthless, nothing) from my father that I heard from my peers every day, reinforcing the idea that I was nothing more than what I was told?
Was it being no more than twelve or thirteen years olf after my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and having my father leave for another woman, leaving his son to carry the burden of being the ‘man’ of the house for three of four months, walking two to three miles to do the shopping, cleaning bed sores and taking care of a mother the son barely knew as a person?
Later my father would call crying, begging to be able to return home and my mother left the choice to me, I was now the adult in a house of children and I still loved my parents/children, so what else could I do but try to force it into place, to appease the ones you loved, hoping to get one ounce of what you needed by fulfilling others needs?
Was it having no more family after my mother died when I was eighteen when I just wanted to push the world away because every sweet touch and kind word I heard would only turn to dust inside my head because I knew at some point, like every other ‘good thing,’ it would come tumbling down like all the others, better to bury it now before it could actually affect your life and make you feel pain again?
It really is hard to pinpoint an exact moment where it started and even harder to sit here staring at this white page, trying to sort out two decades of external abuse and nearly two more decades of self-abuse once the voices that pushed you down from the outside took up residence inside your head, and you no longer need your abusers because you have taken up the mantle for yourself.
You become your worst enemy and the love you pray for every lonely day, beyond that isolation and the heartache you finally see that the voices are no longer shouting, no one is pointing anymore (although from the residual effects of the trauma people can just smell it on you like the ashes of a long dead fire. You may not be that mask others placed on you but you look like the disguise you allow yourself to wear and people can sense it) and the only one hurting you now is yourself.
Later on, in my early twenties, I would dip into drugs and drinking, it was a way to turn the volume down on all the pain and heartache, it was a way to temporarily forget how uninvolved you were in life. The mind knows it is suicide but it is self-harm that simmers slowly till it overflows and spills over into your life like an eclipse, blotting out all but your need to escape the pain.
I beat that demon on my own during sweat filled nights and bright sunny days that burned your eyes rather than healed your heart, the light too bright when all you want is to crawl back to that cave, rest in the cold comfort of the dark and rock yourself to blissful ignorance.
The feeling you get with your toes on the line, waiting for something that never appears because nothing ever manifests inside you because your courage has been sapped, your resolve has been shaken and the person you see in the mirror is every label ever applied to you.
Right about that time I began to develop the physical ailments that still haunt me to this day, it started one morning when I got a tease of the life ahead of me, the first day I woke up with my right ankle the size of half a grapefruit and unable to take a step without hurting because now there was physical pain to match the internal, the inside bleeding out onto the shell.
Again I put my head down (if there is one thing I know, even though it sounds like an impossible puzzle is that despite feeling weak, at times I was also stronger than most could ever hope to be), kept working dead end jobs, doing the bare minimum to get by and hoping for a light somewhere to guide me to something that was not pain, to a meal that was not already rotten before you sat down to dine.
Four years ago I lost what I now feel was the happiest time of my life, although at the time my eyes were blinded to that fact and my heart was partially closed. I did have someone who loved me, I became part of a family again and despite all the drama that occurred then that was beyond our control I was happy, truly content, but I could not see it.
So of course, it fell apart and midway through the game of life I found myself back in the house of my abusive father, now old and mentally spent, hiding in a place that might as well be a tomb, with me unable to work full time and equally as unable to heal myself, again wrapping myself tightly around that core of pain, wishing for death while wanting to do nothing more than live.
In 2014 they found two blood clots in my right leg and that was enough for me and I applied for disability which I am still waiting for over two years later.
Recently I have pushed the two people I currently love the most away, might have even destroyed a chance to be close to another person who just matched me in so many ways, until they became disgusted by this man who has so much potential but cannot seem to see it in himself, who can love people so deeply and want to make their life so much better but without ever respecting or loving the person inside that they did indeed try to love, but the old saying is true, you cannot love someone who does not love themselves.
But we are going to change all of that.
Enough is enough.
I was browsing through Bay Art late one night and I had an idea, why not share the journey out of this hole with thousands of people, let them be my guides, my inspirations and also at the same time let me try and see if I can truly conjure this man that lies waiting inside my soul, a man who really can see the light in this world if only he could see the light in himself as well.
I have had enough of destroying those that got close, of that ever present voice in my head that screams that it does not matter, those things are for others, they are not for you and never will be.
So here we are…and what am I going to do about it?
I am going to change.
I am going to fight the internal demon that just arose after I typed the words above: “Change? You can never change. Who do you think you are fooling? Your broken, crippled, worthless. No one loves you, no one cares and you have nothing. You are not like them and you never can be, you only have me and I hate you.”
But how to do it?
Already I have a plan of sorts, but before the next installment of this series, I would like your feedback and ideas to move forward (and as I was allowed to ask by permission of the editors of this wonderful site, possibly your help as well) as well as your support as I take some of the hardest steps I have ever taken.
It will not be easy, currently, I have as said been waiting more than two years on the final verdict of a disability case, the money has dried up and everything from eating to just getting the basics done has become even harder than it was two months ago.
The people that loved me in recent times have all drawn back to the sidelines, no longer able to stand to watch a person they care for and believe in commit mental suicide, so I am now, almost exclusively, left with just that voice in my head that tells me I am playing a fools game, let’s just go and hide.
And I refuse.
So as of now my plan is as follows:
- Eliminate the self-defeating thoughts that hold me back and discover a sense of self-love and respect.
- Use the talents I have to begin to heal the breach between stagnation and movement.
- Face the fears that have held me back for so long, taking every dream and every opportunity that in the past would be pushed away because I was afraid that anything so good must eventually fall.
- Reinforce the broken foundations that never allowed me to build on the man that I am inside, a man that honestly just wants to be happy and try and make this world a better place.
Throughout this journey into the dark, I have pushed away so many, I have even turned down fate and the miracles that come with it, I have turned my back on the lessons presented, shunned the signs that tried to tell me that I am indeed worthy and special and capable.
I will be using various methods from both psychology and spirituality to finally change the broken record, to put a new one in its place, one that sings of hope and light rather than damnation and blackness.
Additionally, I am writing this for others like me that read all the self-help in the world and despite understanding the words themselves and knowing that the lessons are correct still shun the work involved to move forward. This is for you as well because you are not lazy and you are not beyond repair, you just frown at the methods because all else has seemed to fail, all else has just reinforced the same way of thinking.
I plan on making a new post every two weeks if not more frequently than that and I hope you will take this journey with me, if all goes well, it can inspire others to change and start to break down the barriers we all build inside ourselves, the walls that seem like they can never be broken, when we are actually placing the bricks that make up that wall ourselves.
Many issues that many others struggle with shall be discussed and tackled and examined and I hope it will not only be a benefit to me personally but to others, because out of all the things I am or am not I am definitely a man who cares about the outside world, at this point probably more than I care about myself.
By the time you read the next post there will be a detailed plan in place, but I would absolutely love to hear from the readers and creators and healers here at Bay Art, whether it be a suggested method to implement change, inspiration or even just chatting about my situation and about any questions or comments you might have.
Also as mentioned above I am in a very hard spot financially as well and I am not going to lie that makes everything a lot harder. If you wish to help in that respect in any way I set up a Go Fund Me page here two years ago that as you can see did not go too well.
I feel ashamed to ask for such charity but sadly as the disability verdict keeps getting pushed further and further back I find myself in some dire financial straits.
Additionally, if you are interested in other things that I have written (almost all without payment, so please do not think I am trying to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes) you can go to my personal blog here, my paranormal blog here (which is sadly in need of content and that is something that will be addressed as well along the way, building the work ethics and determination to follow your dreams) and I have a YouTube here on which I have posted some original music as well.
I look forward to hearing from you all and also look forward to implementing these changes and making my life what it always should have been way before the storm rolled in. Hopefully future posts should be a bit shorter and more organized as well as more positive and inspirational but honestly, this was one of the hardest things I have ever written.
Now let’s move forward and heal…thank you.