It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. – Aristotle
If the lack of posts on this site have taught me anything, it’s that I needed a break from my routine of self-expression.
I’m finally back. Sort of.
These past two months have been a bumpy ride. The writer inside me seems to have vanished without a trace and I’m trying very hard to re-connect with that part of myself that loves to write. As it is, right now, the way I’m writing doesn’t feel as natural as writing once did.
Therapy has been going smoothly, and although the sessions are difficult, my therapist has helped re-connect me with the part of myself that feels lost and wants to survive. This is no way means that I’m struggling less. If anything, what I’ve come to learn is that it will get worse before it gets better. There are parts of myself that I feel have seen the light, but there’s this part of me that still feels like it lives in darkness and can’t be saved.
Of course, the reality is that when you have been exposed to trauma, there’s this darkness that will always be part of who you are, but the beautiful thing about therapy is that you can re-create your identity and forge yourself into a weapon; someone who gets back up and fights every time the darkness thinks it has won.
“You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face, but there’s a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.” – Ted Mosby
You’d be surprised, folks, at how easy it is to undo years of hard work. All it takes is one minute and everything can change forever.
On my way home, I bumped into a former abuser and an old friend of mine who was now obviously friends with him. “Long time no see, kid. I almost didn’t recognize you.” He gave me this smile that said “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Luckily, he got off on the very next stop, but our shoulders touched has he passed me. As a result of what I’d just seen, I was barely able to formulate complete thoughts so that I could talk this childhood friend of mine.
Even though I’m angry and have felt angry for years, I’ve always tried to not take my anger out on people. Living in shame is no joke and make no mistake, it’s one of the many awful things one can feel. I tried so hard not to take my anger out on him.
“The future is scary, but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. Yes it’s tempting, but it’s a mistake.” – Robin Scherbatsky and Barney Stinson.
Running back to the past is something I’m guilty of doing far more often than I care to admit. It’s because even through all of that darkness, at least we know how it ends. At least we know everything that led up to where we are right now.
“You can’t cling to the past. Because no matter how tightly you hold on, it’s already gone.” – Ted Mosby
There’s a method of self-control I used when I looked into his eyes on the bus, trying to keep myself calm; I thought of sessions with my therapist. It brought like into the darkness I was feeling at that very moment, and it kept me from doing something that I’d probably regret. Act out in anger.
It would have probably felt good to yell, act out in anger against him. That’s just it, though. What’s done is done. Holding on to that anger is like holding onto a hot rock you intend to throw at someone else. You’re the only one who gets burned and when you attempt to throw it, you’ll drop it on your foot, being unable to hold it because it was too hot.
So, that’s about it, folks. I can’t tell you enough how angry and frightened I was, seeing one of my abusers. My phone vibrated in my pocket as he said hello and all I thought to myself was “Answer the phone, you (bleep) and run.” I didn’t run.
On a lighter note, I created a new YouTube channel that’s technology-focused, but I do talk about some of my struggles with mental health, but far less often than I do here. Take a look at it, if you want to be awesome. You’ll like it very much!
“Yeah, right.” You say. “Your channel is a steaming pile of garbage.” You’re probably right, but it’ll hopefully be an interesting pile of crap nevertheless.