Today I Am Writing Blindly

via Daily Prompt: Blindly
Blindly

Some days my mind will not settle.  I have a million thoughts rolling around and I don’t know how to sort them out.  That is when I write blindly.  I write because getting things out of my head and writing them down helps me lessen the clutter.  I don’t even know what is wrong some days.  I just know I can’t focus.  Like last night for example.  I laid in bed for over an hour and couldn’t fall asleep.  I lay awake and stress about things I didn’t even know I could stress about.  I felt like I drank a pot of coffee before bed and I don’t even drink caffeine, so I know that wasn’t the problem.  Maybe I ate too much birthday cake at my daughter’s party, I don’t know.   I worry about if she had fun, and if her friends have fun.  Did any of the kids feel left out?  Did she thank everyone for coming? The party was an hour and a half of chaos that I stressed about for a month.  I have this fear that everyone will have to cancel at the last minute and my daughter will end up at a birthday party and no one will be there.  That actually happened to someone I know and every time I think about it I cringe.  I don’t think I could handle seeing my kid go through that kind of hurt.  When I write it down, it all seems so ridiculous.  There are WAY worse things that could happen in someone’s life.  Yet, I find ways to worry myself into an oblivion over it.

Now we are getting ready to go on our honeymoon.  I also over-booked myself for the next two weeks so I literally have zero extra minutes in any day.  I have to get ready for vacation and also make sure that everything is set so my daughter has what she needs when I am gone.  This is the longest I have ever been away from her and the thought of that in itself sends me into another pattern of worry.  Will I miss her too much?  Will she be ok while I’m gone?  And why in the world did I agree to go to the Mom Prom Fundraiser on the Friday before Easter?  It is THIS Friday and I don’t even have a dress.  I have already booked my lunch hours full, so there is no time there.  Maybe I can do it Wednesday after work.  But what if I don’t find a dress?  That leaves me with one day.  I thought this weekend was my daughter’s weekend with her dad, but because it is my Easter holiday, it is my weekend.  Then I go and book the Mom Prom and a hair appointment on my weekend with my kid which takes me away from her even more.

Did I mention I am an expert at worrying?  I can create situations in my head that haven’t even happened and mull over them for hours.  So, I put them on paper and it helps me realize things could be worse.  Like way worse.  But then there is the money issue.

I try not to spend my money frivolously.  I save as much as I can but there are weeks when it seems like every possible expense that could come up does.  I watch my poor savings account dwindle away and I start to worry.  And I should not worry about money.  I should not worry about any of this.  The Law of Attraction tells me that if I worry about something I will only bring on more worry.  I just have to cut back and get myself back on track.

They say worrying is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere.  It is so true.  I have spent all morning in a fit and a good portion last night and I am exactly where I would’ve been had I just lived in the moment and trusted the Universe.  But, I can’t take it back now.  I can only move forward and do my best to stay focused and trust.  And perhaps writing this and getting it all out of my head will help too:)

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