She woke up with the familiar voices in her head. Sweat beads began rolling down her face. “They’re back. No. No. No. No. It cannot be. They’re here again.” She murmured through her shaking voice. She placed each foot heavily onto the cool, hard floor as she feared getting out of her bed. Walking down the hallway, she reached the mirror. Staring right back at her was a huge chunk of lard. “Pig. Pig. PIG” was all she could hear and see.
“Look at you. All fat and ugly now. Another reason to make you unloveable, unwanted. You’re disgusting. Pathetic. You’re useless now and you still think you deserve to eat? Wake up and look at the fat that’s all over your body. Pig. Fatty. Fat.”
They were right, the voices. She sobbed and grabbed at the fats hanging off her arms, her stomach, her thighs, her bloated face that deserved all the world’s condemnation.
The frustratingly sedentary lifestyle that she had been leading due to her puzzling chronic dizziness and bizarre vertigo attacks had built up all the fat on her body. She wasn’t active like she used to be. She couldn’t eat anything she wanted like before and not worry too much because she knew that her active job and social life would shed it all off. She couldn’t fit into any of her clothes and had to buy baggy t-shirts and pants. Fashion choices which to her, were like social suicide.
From one of her favourite chick-flicks, Mean Girls, she remembered the words uttered by Regina George. “Sweatpants are all that fits me now.”
She couldn’t stop eating or throw up after eating like she used to in her younger years as it would intensify the dizziness and feelings of lightheaded-ness. She was stuck. Stuck in this fat old rut and she couldn’t do anything about it. She couldn’t exercise, she could barely manage any movements without spinning her head off.
All she could do, was to stare back at that ball of fat in the mirror and say to the voices, “You are right and your words are true.”
I chose to write this in third person, in a form of a story because I found it difficult to write from my view. This is what has been happening as the dizziness continues to rob me of my mobility. Eating less and making healthier choices help slow down the process of weight gain but I still can’t fit into any of my clothes I used to wear. God help me get over this.
Be kind to one another,
Tweet me @Godvsdepression