90+ Best W.C. Fields Quotes: Exclusive Selection

William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. His flawless timing and humorous cantankerousness made him one of America’s greatest comedians. Profoundly inspirational W.C. Fields quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for inspirational quotes by famous comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes from Charlie Chaplin, powerful Joe Rogan quotes and famous Kevin Hart quotes.

Famous W.C. Fields Quotes

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.  W. C. Fields

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Never work with animals or children. W. C. Fields

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90 proof buttermilk

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. W. C. Fields

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W. C. Fields

Fields gave this rationale for not drinking water: Fish f*ck in it.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. W. C. Fields

In response to a waiter who’d offered him a Bromo Seltzer for a hangover, Fields said: Ye Gods, no! I couldn’t stand the noise

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. W. C. Fields

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. W. C. Fields

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. W. C. Fields

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.

You can’t cheat an honest man. W. C. Fields

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields

Fields’ epitaph: All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living. W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself. W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure. W. C. Fields

Never mind what I told you you do as I tell you.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with. W. C. Fields

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live

If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind. W. C. Fields

I can do anything I want to do!

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose  to make people laugh. W. C. Fields

It’s what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice! W. C. Fields

I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. W. C. Fields

Bloom, damn you! Bloom!

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. W. C. Fields

By god, I was born lonely!

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. W. C. Fields

Everything I do is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either. W. C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. W. C. Fields

In the ten years since I had run away from home I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. W. C. Fields

It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.’s begin.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. W. C. Fields

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive. W. C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax. W. C. Fields

They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals.

I drink therefore I am. W. C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not steal only from other comedians.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. W. C. Fields

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few people can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. W. C. Fields

More people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. W. C. Fields

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I’m not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I’m asked to believe.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

I’ve never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. W. C. Fields

I think of the church often. Not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four letter words.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. W. C. Fields

I admit I scanned it once, searching for some movie plots but found only a pack of wild lies.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison. W. C. Fields