133+ Best W.C. Fields Quotes: Exclusive Selection

William Claude Dukenfield, better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. His flawless timing and humorous cantankerousness made him one of America’s greatest comedians. Profoundly inspirational W.C. Fields quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for inspirational quotes by famous comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes from Charlie Chaplin, powerful Joe Rogan quotes and famous Kevin Hart quotes.

Famous W.C. Fields Quotes

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. – W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time — and that’s enough to make a decent living. – W. C. Fields

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either. – W. C. Fields

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot. – W. C. Fields

W.C. Fields quotes

You can’t cheat an honest man. – W. C. Fields

I’d rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. – W. C. Fields

I could juggle anything in my day. Balls, cigar boxes, knives…But there was one thing I could never juggle. My income tax. – W. C. Fields

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle. – W. C. Fields

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? – W. C. Fields

There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it. – W. C. Fields

Happiness means quiet nerves. – W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together! – W. C. FieldsI am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. – W. C. Fields

The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price-twenty-five cents. – W. C. Fields

It’s a wonderful thing, the D.T.’s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. – W. C. Fields

In every big city there is always one surefire laugh, and that lies in hanging some piece of idiocy upon the people of a nearby city or town. – W. C. Fields

I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. – W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. – W. C. Fields

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with. – W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness. – W. C. Fields

I was almost put out of business by a well-meaning corpse. – W. C. Fields

It’s quite true I’m not drinking anymore; however, I’m not drinking any less either. – W. C. Fields

Fields’ reply: He’d think I was a sissy. – W. C. Fields

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it’s easier to get rid of. – W. C. Fields

If I had my life to live over again, I’d live over a saloon. – W. C. Fields

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it. – W. C. Fields

I can do anything I want to do! – W. C. Fields

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible – and then forget them, because they aren’t. – W. C. Fields

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments. – W. C. Fields

Ultimately chess is just chess – not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it. – W. C. Fields

I would rather be living in Philadelphia. – W. C. Fields

I didn’t say the meat was tough. I said I didn’t see the horse that is usually outside. – W. C. Fields

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. – W. C. Fields

Funny W. C. Fields Quotes

I don’t object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand… and besides, I know what I dealt him! – W. C. Fields

Ain’t fit for man nor beast – W. C. Fields

I like children – fried. – W. C. Fields

I ad lib most of my dialogue. If I did remember my lines, it would be too bad for me. – W. C. Fields

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

The work I’m doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature…no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike. – W. C. Fields

I’ve been barbecued, stewed, screwed, tattooed, and fried by people claiming to be my friends. The human race has gone backward, not forward, since the days we were apes swinging through the trees. – W. C. Fields

I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m. – W. C. Fields

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach. – W. C. Fields

The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies. – W. C. Fields

I’m looking for loopholes. – W. C. Fields

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog. – W. C. Fields

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. – W. C. Fields

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse. – W. C. Fields

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. – W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth. – W. C. Fields

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt! – W. C. Fields

I’ve been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. – W. C. Fields

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t. – W. C. Fields

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner. – W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck – W. C. Fields

The best thing to break is a contract. – W. C. Fields

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you’ve used up all the other four-letter words. – W. C. Fields

Hilarious W. C. Fields Quotes

If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for. – W. C. Fields

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago. – W. C. Fields

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant. – W. C. Fields

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose–to make people laugh. – W. C. Fields

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil’ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon – and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter. – W. C. Fields

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: ‘That’s right, she shouldn’t throw a stone even at a villain.’ Then I hand her a brick to throw. – W. C. Fields

I have been in the entertainment business some forty-three years, and I have never said anything detrimental or anything that might be construed as belittling any race or religion. I would be a sucker to do so because you can’t insult the customers. – W. C. Fields

It’s what you do that counts and not what you say, therefore I fired my press agent. – W. C. Fields

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) – W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ”I’m looking for a loop-hole,” he explained. – W. C. Fields

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache. – W. C. Fields

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. – W. C. Fields

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn’t travel far to find a girl. – W. C. Fields

I’d take a Bromo, but I can’t stand the noise. – W. C. Fields

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe. – W. C. Fields

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason – W. C. Fields

I was married once–in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad. – W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water. – W. C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. – W. C. Fields

I must have a drink of breakfast. – W. C. Fields

All things considered, I’d rather be in Philadelphia – W. C. Fields

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. – W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked. – W. C. Fields

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times. – W. C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast. – W. C. Fields

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. – W. C. Fields

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously. – W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home. – W. C. Fields

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. – W. C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. – W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again. – W. C. Fields

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I’d had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature. – W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. – W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad. – W. C. Fields

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons. – W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. – W. C. Fields

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother. – W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. – W. C. Fields

I drink with impunity…or anyone else who invites me. – W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am. – W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. – W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn’t believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it. – W. C. Fields

We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame is always placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You can die from drinking too much of anything – coffee, water, milk, soft drinks and all such stuff as that. And so as long as the presence of death lurks with anyone who goes through the simple act of swallowing. I will make mine whisky. – W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. – W. C. Fields

W.C. Fields One Liners

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon. – W. C. Fields

Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer. – W. C. Fields

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. – W. C. Fields

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. – W. C. Fields

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. – W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. – W. C. Fields

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C. – W. C. Fields

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure. – W. C. Fields

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes? – W. C. Fields

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain. – W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler. – W. C. Fields

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. – W. C. Fields

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. – W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. – W. C. Fields

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. – W. C. Fields

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. – W. C. Fields

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it. – W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. – W. C. Fields

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. – W. C. Fields

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. – W. C. Fields

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. – W. C. Fields

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. – W. C. Fields

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. – W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree. – W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. – W. C. Fields