I am not who I thought I was.
I am not who others think I am. I can be active, spontaneous, and adventurous but my personality makes me feel alone at times. I used to fantasize about driving towards the setting sun as far as I could with the money I had. The horizon is not a line of reference for me. It symbolizes the possibilities and freedom that I yearned of for many years. When I was young I felt stuck, alone, misunderstood and would often go off places by myself. Many times it was the forest. I often felt that I had more in common with the trees, squirrels, birds and vast pastures than I did with society.
I had no concept of meditation. As the years have passed the term meditation has become more conventional to me. I have sat in a quiet room with some soft binaural sounds playing hoping to discover enlightenment. This did not serve me, I did not feel enlightened or inspired. I than returned to the woods to find answers inside. Being in nature reminds me that I am a part of it all. I have come to realize that I had been meditating all along when I was younger. I sought answers inside by being outside. Many of the things that help us the most are opposite of what is conventionally understood. You do not need to be completely isolated from the world to find answers but immersed into it. I needed to smell the fresh air, see the trees bend in the wind, and listen to the birds speak in their ancient tongues. I need to stray from a path and follow where my adventurous spirit leads me. To watch the steady flow of a stream, to watch how the sun dazzles on wet moss, and to allow a quiet doe to sneak on me.
We are all the same force playing different roles, trying to outwit our selves into thinking that we are separate. You are not separate from your world. We are not meant to be in different camps of thought. A christian fundamentalist can believe in evolution. An atheist does not have to be non-spiritual. I am an amalgamation of many different traits. I’m not a gun-toting nationalist but I do like going out to the range from time to time. I do what invigorates me. I don’t identify as a vegan but I eat mostly vegan meals due to in part my partner is lactose intolerant and the poor ethics surrounding the meat and dairy industry. That does not mean I won’t indulge in some meat dishes or cheese at times. I refuse to carry a label. I will always show compassion for every walk of life. The universe is using you and I to act through and in turn, we use the universe surrounding us to act through. Picture it as the same person with infinite different masks.
You must play whatever game inspires you and fills your soul. It is all a game, but it is serious. I know there is a reason we do not know when we will pass. The inevitability of our passing breathes meaning into our time here, and our time here is short in comparison to the time line of the whole universe. The game you play while here has an impact. There may be times you will feel alone, misguided, and not favored. It is not wrong to feel conflicted, there is no manual on being human, it just is what it is. Don’t forget who you are. We are born from this world, not born into it. We weren’t plopped here like a foreign artifact, we are meant to be where we are at any given moment. Once you think about it you really can never isolate yourself from the world, because, you are the world as much as anything else is.