87+ Best Woody Allen Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Heywood “Woody” Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian who is best known for his romantic comedy films containing elements of parody and slapstick. He is also known for writing strong and well-defined characters for his female stars. Funny eye opening Woody Allen quotes about life, love and success will make you notice what you always ignored.

If you’re searching for great quotes by actors and famous sayings by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of great Robin Williams quotes, funniest Adam Sandler quotes, and Mitch Hedberg quotes.

Most Famous Woody Allen Quotes

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. – Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. – Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! – Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. – Woody Allen

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. – Woody Allen

Death is like a colonoscopy; the problem is that life is like the prep day. – Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art; it imitates bad television. – Woody Allen

I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. – Woody Allen

To God, I’m the loyal opposition. ― Woody Allen

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up. – Woody Allen

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. – Woody Allen

My relationship with death remains the same – I’m strongly against it. – Woody Allen

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up– Woody Allen

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. – Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. – Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you’re dressed for it. – Woody Allen

Marriage? That’s for life! It’s like cement! – Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. – Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. – Woody Allen

You can live to be 100 if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be 100. – Woody Allen

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? – Woody Allen

Difficult times always create opportunities for you to experience more love in your life. – Woody Allen

Can we actually “know” the universe? My God, it’s hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. – Woody Allen

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. – Woody Allen

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So, you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable. – Woody Allen

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime. – Woody Allen

To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful. – Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. – Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. – Woody Allen

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. – Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. – Woody Allen

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. – Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have. – Woody Allen

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off. – Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

I’m not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year’s Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. – Woody Allen

Not only is there no God but try finding a plumber on Sunday. – Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. – Woody Allen

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! – Woody Allen

The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. – Woody Allen

My brain: it’s my second favorite organ– Woody Allen,

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? – Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. – Woody Allen

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. – Woody Allen

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak. – Woody Allen

Over the years you get to see what a struggle life is for most people, how tough it is, how easy it is to be judgmental and criticize and stand outside of situations and impart your wisdom and judgment. But over the decades I’ve got more tolerant of people’s flaws and mistakes. Everybody makes a lot of them. When you’re younger you feel: “Hey, this person is evil” or “This person is a jerk” or stupid or “What’s wrong with them?” Then you go through life and you think: “Well, it’s not so easy.” There’s a lot of mystery and suffering and complication. Everybody’s out there trying to do the best they can. And it’s not such an easy business. – Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. – Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. – Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. There’s no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that’s that. – Woody Allen

There have been times when I’ve thought of suicide but with my luck it’d probably be a temporary solution. – Woody Allen

People always ask me; do you ever think you’ll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me–it’s an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We’re one. – Woody Allen

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. – Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance. – Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. – Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. – Woody Allen

It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all. – Woody Allen

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people. – Woody Allen

We’re worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from — I don’t remember exactly. I think it’s the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that’s where it’s from. – Woody Allen

All I can do is wait for it. – Woody Allen

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. – Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune. – Woody Allen

You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something. – Woody Allen

The man who said ‘I’d rather be lucky than good’ saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It’s scary to think so much is out of one’s control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn’t, and you lose. – Woody Allen

Curiosity, that’s what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It’s our own hearts and minds. – Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. – Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. – Woody Allen

I can levitate birds. No one cares. – Woody Allen

I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me. – Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. – Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. – Woody Allen

I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodelling. – Woody Allen

I don’t know enough to be incompetent. – Woody Allen

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage. – Woody Allen

Woody Allen Movie Quotes

  • He’s always very depressed. I think that if he’d been a successful criminal, he would have felt better. You know, he never made the ’10 most wanted’ list. It’s very unfair voting; it’s who you know.
  • Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
  • When it comes to sex, there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
  • I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
  • Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
  • The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
  • If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.
  • Some guy hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
  • You should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.
  • It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
  • I’m 42, and she’s 17. I’m older than her father, can you believe that? I’m dating a girl wherein I can beat up her father.
  • The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.
  • You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
  • Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful – provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
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