Heywood “Woody” Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian who is best known for his romantic comedy films containing elements of parody and slapstick. He is also known for writing strong and well-defined characters for his female stars. Funny eye opening Woody Allen quotes about life, love and success will make you notice what you always ignored.
If you’re searching for great quotes by actors and famous sayings by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of great Robin Williams quotes, funniest Adam Sandler quotes, and Mitch Hedberg quotes.
Most Famous Woody Allen Quotes
Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon. Woody Allen
I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanence. Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it. Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right. Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. Woody Allen
I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
To me, there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful. Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Woody Allen
Curiosity, that’s what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It’s our own hearts and minds. Woody Allen
I’m not anti social. I’m just not social. Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know. I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. Woody Allen
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
I can levitate birds. No one cares. Woody Allen
It’s a match made in heaven by a retarded angel. Woody Allen
I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me. Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have. Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. Woody Allen
I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak. Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Woody Allen
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Woody Allen
I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government. Woody Allen
What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn’t for certain people. Woody Allen
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen
We’re worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques. This thing here. This is from I don’t remember exactly. I think it’s the Renaissance or the Magna Carta or something. But that’s where it’s from. Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up. Woody Allen
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Woody Allen
My relationship with death remains the same I’m strongly against it. Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon. Woody Allen
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. Woody Allen
The artist’s job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. Woody Allen
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic. Woody Allen
All I can do is wait for it. Woody Allen
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. Woody Allen
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. Woody Allen
As the poet said, Only God can make a tree probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? Woody Allen
I think universal harmony is a pipe dream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. Woody Allen
There’s an old joke um two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly. Woody Allen
I don’t know enough to be incompetent. Woody Allen 50. Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage. Woody Allen
It reminds me of that old joke you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says, hey doc, my brother’s crazy! He thinks he’s a chicken. Then the doc says, why don’t you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that’s how I feel about relationships. They’re totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs. Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen
You know a lot of geniuses, now. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, now, you could learn something. Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak. Woody Allen
The man who said I’d rather be lucky than good saw deeply into life. People are afraid to face how great a part of life is dependent on luck. It’s scary to think so much is out of one’s control. There are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second, it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck, it goes forward and you win. Or maybe it doesn’t and you lose. Woody Allen
I’m not a drinker, my body won’t tolerate eh spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba. Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
We’re all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more. Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? Woody Allen
Those who can’t do, teach. And those who can’t teach, teach gym. Woody Allen
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. Woody Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. Woody Allen
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment. Woody Allen
You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past. Woody Allen
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable. Woody Allen
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn him in? And the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. Well I guess that’s pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd but I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs. Woody Allen
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot. Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, Be fruitful, and multiply. But not in those words. Woody Allen
There have been times when I’ve thought of suicide but with my luck it’d probably be a temporary solution. Woody Allen
In California, they don’t throw their garbage away they make it into TV shows. Woody Allen
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead. Woody Allen
As the poet said, Only God can make a tree probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman. Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian. Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy with polio. Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune. Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. Woody Allen
