140+ EXCLUSIVE Michael Scott Quotes [Absolutely Stunning]

Michael Gary Scott is a fictional character on NBC’s The Office, portrayed by Steve Carell. With terrible jokes and kind-hearted personality, the world’s best boss will make you laugh out loud, but Michael Scott quotes can also teach you a thing or two about life.

Legends never die, and funny quotes from The Office and best Dwight Schrute quotes will make you laughter in a unique comedic style. Between iconic Kevin Malone quotes, hilarious Robert California quotes and funniest Jim Halpert quotes, all of them will help put a smile on your face.

Michael Scott Quotes

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So, you know you are getting the best possible information. – Michael Scott

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott

I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? … I really can’t say, but yes! – Michael Scott

Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So, sue me. – Michael Scott

I learned a while back that if I do not text 911, people do not return my calls. Um, but people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened. – Michael Scott

Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch. – Michael Scott

No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

Michael: “You want to hear a lie?”
Toby: “What?”
Michael: “I think you’re great. You’re my best friend.”

Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees. – Michael Scott

An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true. – Michael Scott

There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual. – Michael Scott

They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will. – Michael Scott

Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order. – Michael Scott

The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary, and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt! – Michael Scott

The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money. – Michael Scott

My philosophy is, basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don’t, ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or, or where you’ve been. Ever. For any reason. Whatsoever. – Michael Scott

Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears. – Michael Scott

I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parents’ dream. – Michael Scott

I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend. – Michael Scott

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. – Michael Scott

I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania, but it’s for charity, and I consider myself a great philanderer. – Michael Scott

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott

You know what they say, ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.’ – Michael Scott

When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok? – Michael Scott

Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind. – Michael Scott

I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him. – Michael Scott

And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate. – Michael Scott

I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working. – Michael Scott

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. – Michael Scott

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible. – Michael Scott

Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. – Michael Scott

There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke. – Michael Scott

I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did. – Michael Scott

I… Declare…. Bankruptcy! – Michael Scott

I am Beyonce, always. – Michael Scott

Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks. – Michael Scott

I say dance, they say ‘How high?’ – Michael Scott

I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car. – Michael Scott

It is St. Patrick’s Day. And here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas. – Michael Scott

Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollar worth.’ – Michael Scott

I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. – Michael Scott

There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love. – Michael Scott

Tell him to call me ASAP as possible. – Michael Scott

Where are the turtles?! – Michael Scott

Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice. – Michael Scott

I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock. – Michael Scott

That’s what she said! – Michael Scott

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. – Michael Scott

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. – Michael Scott

It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow that’s ten times as long as it takes me. – Michael Scott

Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So, he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family. – Michael Scott

Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. – Michael Scott

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing. – Michael Scott

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. – Michael Scott

People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy. – Michael Scott

Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead. – Michael Scott

I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. – Michael Scott

I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another. – Michael Scott

The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends. – Michael Scott

Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. – Michael Scott

Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do. – Michael Scott

Pizza: the great equalizer. – Michael Scott

They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!? – Michael Scott

I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish…sort of a virtual United Nations. – Michael Scott

About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned. – Michael Scott

My mind is going a mile an hour. – Michael Scott

I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! – Michael Scott

It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean. – Michael Scott

Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. – Michael Scott

Andy Bernard: “That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.”
Michael Scott: “He’s not the worst. OK? He’s not the worst. You know who’s the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though.”

Best Michael Scott Quotes List

• I had a great summer. I got west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it… – Michael Scott
• I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go. – Michael Scott
• This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple years ago. – Michael Scott
• I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be okay. – Michael Scott
• That has sort of an oak-y afterbirth. – Michael Scott
• It’s not like booze ever killed anyone. – Michael Scott
• I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40, I had less money than I did when I was 30. – Michael Scott
• Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences. – Michael Scott
• Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning? – Michael Scott
• It is St. Patrick’s Day….It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas. – Michael Scott
• It’s never too early for ice cream. – Michael Scott
• When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another. – Michael Scott
• I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here. – Michael Scott
• It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive. – Michael Scott
• Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive? – Michael Scott
• Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever. – Michael Scott
• No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs…Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there? – Michael Scott
• Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. – Michael Scott
• They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad. – Michael Scott
• When I discovered YouTube, I didn’t work for five days. – Michael Scott
• Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery. – Michael Scott
• Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square… named for the good times you have when you’re in it. – Michael Scott
• I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third. – Michael Scott
• The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. – Michael Scott
• If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus…Or the front of the bus or drive the bus. – Michael Scott
• If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family. – Michael Scott
• Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. – Michael Scott
• You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley! – Michael Scott
• I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. – Michael Scott
• I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it’ll suck. – Michael Scott
• I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about? – Michael Scott
• That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. – Michael Scott
• Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said. – Michael Scott
• Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice! – Michael Scott
• Well, well, well, how the turntables. – Michael Scott
• You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party. – Michael Scott
• We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens. – Michael Scott
• As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So, I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. – Michael Scott
• You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to? – Michael Scott
• I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. – Michael Scott
• When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one or seen one. I just drew a picture, of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn’t even talk yet. – Michael Scott
• I hate so much about the things you choose to be. Hate to see you leave but love to watch you go. – Michael Scott
• Well, happy birthday Jesus. Sorry that your party’s so lame. – Michael Scott
• I fell in love with these kids. And I didn’t want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made ’em a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down, that was the most generous. – Michael Scott
• It’s a good thing Russia doesn’t exist anymore. – Michael Scott
• Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? – Michael Scott
• It’s simply beyond words. It’s incalculable. – Michael Scott
• Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. – Michael Scott
• Bros before ho. Why? Because your bros are always there for you. They’ve got your back after your hoe rips your heart out for no good reason. And you were nothing but great to your ho. And you told her she was the only ho for you. And that she was better than all the other hoes in the world. And then, suddenly she is not your ho* no mo. – Michael Scott
• I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. – Michael Scott
• I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like Neve Campbell in Scream II. She thinks she can go off to college and be happy and then the murderer comes back and starts killing off all of her friends. I learned a lot of lessons from that movie, this is just one of them. – Michael Scott
• I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate… no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it… Nike. – Michael Scott
• I’m making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star… or any number of drag queens. – Michael Scott
• I am a huge Woody Allen fan. Although I’ve only seen ‘Antz.’ But I’ll tell you something, what I respect about that man is that when he was going through all of that stuff that came out in the press, about how ‘Antz’ was just a ripoff of ‘A Bug’s Life,’ he stayed true to his films. Or at least the film that I saw, which, again, was ‘Antz.’ Thing is, I thought ‘A Bug’s Life’ was better, much better than ‘Antz.’ Point is, don’t listen to your critics. Listen to your fans. – Michael Scott
• I am a theatrical person. Growing up I always thought I would become an actor, because, I have these memorization tricks that I use. For instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by singing it to the tune of Old Macdonald: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America / And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. / With a woof woof here and a woof woof there, here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof. – Michael Scott
• Hi Holly, it’s Michael. I just wanted to call and let you know that I was thinking about what you said, it’s just… you know? It’s weird, today I ended up seeing a lot of the women that I used to date, and in my mind, they were all great, and then when I actually saw them it was mostly a freak show. And you and me, that must’ve been a real train wreck. You know what? Holly, you’re wrong. You are wrong. I remember every second of us, and talking to you today, I-don’t-feel for them anything like what I feel for you. It’s… I didn’t joke with any of them, I joked with you, you were the only one who was actually happy to hear from me, and I don’t know why you downgraded what we had, but I did not make us up. Ok. Oh, and you might… you should talk to a doctor because you might have herpes. Bye! – Michael Scott
• The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you’re dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That’s easy. Give me a hard one. That’s what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I’m obviously the Joker. – Michael Scott
• Last, and possibly least, you didn’t think we’d forget, ‘That’s what she said!’ – Michael Scott
• Gabe Lewis: “Michael, you’ve just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?” Michael Scott: “Yes. Of course. What’s this in reference to?”

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