100 Funny Celebrity Quotes To Make You Smile

These quotes capture the humor, wit, and sometimes unintentional hilarity of celebrities, offering a range of memorable and laugh-out-loud moments.

Famous Funny Celebrity Quotes

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

“The only reason I work out is to live longer so I can eat more cheese and drink more wine.” — Ricky Gervais

“I don’t understand how someone can’t care what people think of them… that’s literally all I care about.” — Mindy Kaling

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life—you just hang around until you get used to it.” — Charles M. Schulz

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Betty White

“There’s no such thing as too much butter.” — Nora Ephron

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” — Anonymous

“You’re only as good as your last haircut.” — Fran Lebowitz

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Noel Coward

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” — Richard Lewis

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” — Demetri Martin

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” — Theodore Roosevelt

“All I’ve got against golf is it takes you so far from the clubhouse.” — Eric Linklater

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Iconic Dumb Celebrity Quotes

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” — Brooke Shields

“I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger

“So, where’s the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” — Christina Aguilera

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” — Mariah Carey

“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” — Britney Spears

“What’s Walmart? Do they sell, like, wall stuff?” — Paris Hilton

“I think war is bad and stuff.” — Jessica Simpson

“I have never really wanted to go to Japan, simply because I don’t like eating fish, and I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears

“I’m not anorexic. I’m from Texas. Are there people from Texas who are anorexic? I’ve never heard of one, and that includes me.” — Jessica Simpson

“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.” — Gwyneth Paltrow

“Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says ‘Chicken of the Sea.'” — Jessica Simpson

“I’ve never really wanted to go to Japan. Simply because I don’t like eating fish, and I know that’s very popular out there in Africa.” — Britney Spears

“I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” — Tara Reid

“I don’t diet. I just don’t eat as much as I’d like to.” — Linda Evangelista

“I think the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.” — Alicia Silverstone

“The most important thing in life is self-love. You can’t truly love another until you know how to love yourself.” — Lindsay Lohan

“I think the world would be a better place if everyone had a little more red carpet in their lives.” — Paris Hilton

“I don’t really know what makeup is. I mean, I don’t look at myself in the mirror and see a bunch of products.” — Megan Fox

“I never really wanted to go to college, but my mom was like, ‘Why don’t you go to UCLA and study fashion design?’” — Kim Kardashian

“What’s a soup kitchen? Is it like a real kitchen?” — Tara Reid

Funny Quotes From Celebrities

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

“If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” — Aldo Cammarota

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

“I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen

“I’m on the ‘seafood’ diet. I see food, and I eat it.” — Anonymous

“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” — Abraham Lincoln

“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.” — Conan O’Brien

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you’re a mile away, and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey

“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” — Fred Allen

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” — Lana Turner

“If I can’t be a good example, I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” — Catherine Aird

“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” — Milton Berle

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright

Short Funny Celebrity Quotes

“I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.” — Anonymous

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” — Oscar Wilde

“I’m not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

“Age is just a number. Unless, of course, your number is unlisted.” — Anonymous

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” — Steven Wright

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” — W.C. Fields

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson

“I have nothing to declare except my genius.” — Oscar Wilde

“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.” — Maria Bamford

“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

“I intend to live forever. Or die trying.” — Groucho Marx

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin

“I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.” — Herb Caen

“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” — Drake

“I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.” — Anonymous

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” — Anonymous

Hilarious Celebrity Quotes

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

“I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.” — Anonymous

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” — Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“There are two types of people in this world: people who love chocolate and liars.” — Anonymous

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck

“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” — Cynthia Heimel

“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” — Anonymous

“I’d like to live like a poor man—only with lots of money.” — Pablo Picasso

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright

“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Noel Coward

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Anonymous

“I wish my bank account filled up as fast as my laundry basket.” — Anonymous

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Anonymous

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper