142+ EXCLUSIVE Dwight Schrute Quotes That Get You

Dwight Schute is one of the funniest, most absurd characters on “The Office.” Dwight Schrute quotes will teach you all you need to know about life. Enjoy the funniest, most absurd sayings from one of the most memorable and lovable TV characters.

Legends never die, and The Office quotes and hilarious Michael Scott quotes will make you laughter in a unique comedic style. Between Kevin Malone quotes, Robert California quotes and Jim Halpert quotes, all of them will help put a smile on your face.

Top 10 Dwight Schrute Quotes

People learn in lots of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. — Dwight Schrute

No, I disagree. “R” is one of the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it murder not ‘muckduck’. — Dwight Schrute

Everyone, follow me to the shelter. We’ve got enough food for 14 days. After that, we have a difficult conversation. — Dwight Schrute

I always wondered how they picked the person to die. I’d be good at picking the person. — Dwight Schrute

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. — Dwight Schrute

And I will travel to New Zealand. And walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor. — Dwight Schrute

In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching. — Dwight Schrute

I am better than you have ever been or ever will be. — Dwight Schrute

I am faster than 80% of all snakes. — Dwight Schrute

Always the Padawan, never the Jedi. — Dwight Schrute

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Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season. — Dwight Schrute

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. — Dwight Schrute

Before I do anything, I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing. — Dwight Schrute

All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter. — Dwight Schrute

That’s cool. Hey, you know what’s even cooler than Triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed! — Dwight Schrute

You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once. — Dwight Schrute

I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me. — Dwight Schrute

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention. — Dwight Schrute

Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck. — Dwight Schrute

Growing up I performed my own circumcision. — Dwight Schrute

Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on. — Dwight Schrute

You think you’re excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing! — Dwight Schrute

And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word “failure”. — Dwight Schrute

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther. — Dwight Schrute

Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. — Dwight Schrute

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow. — Dwight Schrute

PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat. — Dwight Schrute

Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it. — Dwight Schrute

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching. — Dwight Schrute

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. — Dwight Schrute

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. — Dwight Schrute

Those who can’t farm, farm celery. — Dwight Schrute

It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose. — Dwight Schrute

A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present. — Dwight Schrute

How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. — Dwight Schrute

And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t. — Dwight Schrute

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck. — Dwight Schrute

Why are all these people here? There’re too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. — Dwight Schrute

Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. crunch— Dwight Schrute

Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. — Dwight Schrute

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. — Dwight Schrute

I never smile if I can help it, showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. — Dwight Schrute

In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is Oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead! — Dwight Schrute

I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog. — Dwight Schrute

‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’ — Dwight Schrute

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last! — Dwight Schrute

The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schutte Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible. — Dwight Schrute

The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel. — Dwight Schrute

Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s. — Dwight Schrute

My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago. — Dwight Schrute

Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it. — Dwight Schrute

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. — Dwight Schrute

There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory. — Dwight Schrute

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly. — Dwight Schrute

Of course, Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning! — Dwight Schrute

The eyes are the groin of the head. — Dwight Schrute

D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific. — Dwight Schrute

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? — Dwight Schrute

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. — Dwight Schrute

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. — Dwight Schrute

Funniest Dwight Schrute Quotes

No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. — Dwight Schrute

As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved. — Dwight Schrute

To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever. — Dwight Schrute

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical. — Dwight Schrute

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things. — Dwight Schrute

People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, then by a stranger, on purpose. — Dwight Schrute

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever. — Dwight Schrute

Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. — Dwight Schrute

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms. — Dwight Schrute

Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea. — Dwight Schrute

Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. — Dwight Schrute

It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect. — Dwight Schrute

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. — Dwight Schrute

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it. — Dwight Schrute

I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides. — Dwight Schrute

Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. — Dwight Schrute

When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. — Dwight Schrute

I really like Andy these days. He’s pretended, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown. — Dwight Schrute

When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. — Dwight Schrute

At first, I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right? — Dwight Schrute

Who is Justice Beaver? — Dwight Schrute

Michael always says, ‘K-I-S-S: keep it simple, stupid.’ Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time. — Dwight Schrute

Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now?
Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you’re hot right now? I can’t impregnate you, and that’s the driving force between male-female attraction.

Hilarious Dwight Schrute Quotes

Five minutes ahead of schedule… Right on schedule. — Dwight Schrute

Oscar: Don’t you want to see the baby?
Dwight: Psh! Why? I know what Angela and the senator look like. I can mash that up in my head right now.

Can’t a guy just buy some bagels for his friends so they’ll owe him a favor which he can use to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? Jeez. When did everyone get so cynical? — Dwight Schrute

In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas. — Dwight Schrute

You know, I really would’ve appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would’ve introduced you to mine. — Dwight Schrute

Schrute Farms is very easy to find. It’s right in the middle of the root vegetable district. If the soil starts to get acidic, you’ve gone too far. — Dwight Schrute

Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy. — Dwight Schrute

All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders. — Dwight Schrute

They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy! — Dwight Schrute

I always knew I would be destroyed by my own creation, but honestly, I thought it would be that bull that Mose and I are trying to reanimate. — Dwight Schrute

Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you’re gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone. — Dwight Schrute

Ok, see you later, Pan. — Dwight Schrute

Michael Scott: Why do you have a diary? Dwight: To keep secrets from my computer.

Listen up Flenderson, you’re being weak and ineffectual. I’m cowboying this meeting, ok! Here are the new rules, ok? Earth tones only. Also, women are forbidden to wear pants. — Dwight Schrute

Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes. February 14th. — Dwight Schrute

Jim couldn’t land me in a thousand years. — Dwight Schrute

Today, smoking is going to save lives. — Dwight Schrute

When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine. — Dwight Schrute

If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people. — Dwight Schrute

I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. — Dwight Schrute

Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality and then, moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year! — Dwight Schrute

The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others; supreme. That’s great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I’d buy a dictionary. I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; supreme. — Dwight Schrute

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so, actually, Jim is my enemy. — Dwight Schrute

Dwight Schrute Quotes for Instagram

It’s not effeminate. It’s festive. — Dwight Schrute

Oh, you know that line on the top of the shrimp? That’s feces. — Dwight Schrute

R is among one of the most menacing sounds. That’s why it’s called murder, not mukduk. — Dwight Schrute

Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch! — Dwight Schrute

Ah, humor. I have it, too. — Dwight Schrute

I studied him, to figure out why I hated him so much. But that blossomed into a very real friendship, as these things often do. — Dwight Schrute

A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged. — Dwight Schrute

I’m screaming! I’m screaming! I’m screaming! Aah! Numb me up! I want anesthesia! — Dwight Schrute

He’s gone. I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep, Jim. False. I do not miss him. — Dwight Schrute

There was a terrible war, ugh, so many died. Far too many died. But if Frodo hadn’t destroyed the ring, then goodness itself might have died. — Dwight Schrute

I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that. He’d probably end up a hero there anyway. — Dwight Schrute

I don’t care what Jim says. This is NOT the real Ben Franklin. I am 99.9 percent sure. — Dwight Schrute

Jim: My condolences.
Dwight: Keep them.

Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible. — Dwight Schrute

Bears are more afraid of you than you are of them? You obviously aren’t scared enough. — Dwight Schrute

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier. — Dwight Schrute

Ok. When the baby emerges, mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize and no baby snatcher could ever copy. — Dwight Schrute

Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never. — Dwight Schrute

Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up, I performed my own circumcision. — Dwight Schrute

Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of Oklahoma! in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. — Dwight Schrute

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing. — Dwight Schrute

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. — Dwight Schrute

You’re a perfectly fine toilet. I’m just an extraordinary piece of crap. — Dwight Schrute

The Facts About Dwight Schrute