120+ Best Hank Moody Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Henry James “Hank” Moody, portrayed by David Duchovny, is a fictional character and the protagonist of the Showtime television series Californication. Profoundly inspirational Hank Moody quotes will challenge the way you think, and make your life worth living.

Famous Hank Moody

So you’re suggesting I should dump this whole writer thing and reinvent myself as a Hollywood manwhore? – Hank Moody

Come on back to bed. Let’s californicate. – Hank Moody

I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it’s true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that… I’m trying to grow the f*ck up for once. You know, I’m on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it’s too f*ckin’ late. – Hank Moody

Life is too short to dance with fat girls. – Hank Moody

It’s true I am kind of retarded, but I’m also kind of amazing. – Hank Moody

She’s got a nose ring, too. You know what that means. – Hank Moody

Get a load of black Jesus, he turn water in whiskey too? – Hank Moody

Life will kill you. – Hank Moody

I can’t keep apologizing for something I can’t change. All I can do is keep moving forward and try to become someone that you can love again. – Hank Moody

Let’s get you home before this low rider turns back into a pumpkin. – Hank Moody

I don’t think I’ve ever known. I think sometimes you get it right the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are. – Hank Moody

We have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The Internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and -hour a day access to kiddie p*rn. – Hank Moody

I love me some morning sex. Daylight, smelly puss, bad breathe, bring it! – Hank Moody

That’s just me, an ungrateful heathen, highway to Hell and whatnot. – Hank Moody

Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex positive feminism? I mean I know they’re all down with the p*rnography and the shaved pudenda and what not, but do we really think this is the path to liberation? – Hank Moody

Worst intervention ever. – Hank Moody

Well that happened. – Hank Moody

I support you bromo-sexual. – Hank Moody

Why would I put some clothes on? This is the way baby Jesus made me. – Hank Moody

Hey. You know, it’s not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB. – Hank Moody

You know, most people, they go their whole life, and they never really find someone they love. They say they do because everybody’s the star of their own little romantic comedy, but they’re full of sh*t. You and me, we had women that loved us for who we were, really loved us for who we were, and we f*cked it up. For what? Some stupid piece of *ss we forgot about minutes later? – Hank Moody

The person that I want to have everything to do with wants nothing to do with me. – Hank Moody

As a writer, I’m a sucker for happy endings. The guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to f*cking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there’s no such thing. There’s no sunset. There’s just now, and there’s just the two of us, which can be scary f*cking ugly sometimes. But if you close your eyes and listen for the whisper of your heart—if you simply keep trying and never ever give up, no matter how many times you get it wrong, until the beginning and the end blur into something called until we meet again — and that’s it. – Hank Moody

Sometimes it’s better not to touch your dreams. – Hank Moody

It reminds me of when we first started dating and I would knock on your door and in the time between you answering, I would try to imagine what you were gonna look like. And when you did, you’d be, like, ten times more beautiful than I could ever imagine. And I’d get this funny feeling in my stomach because you’d look at me with all this hope in your eyes instead of disappointment, which is what I see now. – Hank Moody

Don’t blame me because you were born with a cl*t for a c*ck and a tiny little beanbag to house what passes for balls. – Hank Moody

I’ll always be buzzing around like a gnat, like a well-hung gnat, with a dream. – Hank Moody

It’s decided then, I’m going out tonight. Like Zig, I’m jerkin myself to Jesus. – Hank Moody

At the end of the day, it’s all about her. It’s always been about her. – Hank Moody

He’s like you but awesome. – Hank Moody

I just get so lonely sometimes. I need a hug for a moment and the moment passes. I’m good. Smell you later. – Hank Moody

Some girls are timid and lack focus, but you, you should be in p*rn. – Hank Moody

Where’s you c*ck? Oh I see it, it’s right under your cl*t. – Hank Moody

Can I bring anything back for you damaged fu-kers? Some coke? Some heroine? Some Pink Taco? – Hank Moody

Honey, I didn’t mean to force moisture from your face. – Hank Moody

It’d be nice if I could f*ll*te myself while farting the White album, but I haven’t quite mastered that yet. – Hank Moody

You’re going to live to humiliate yourself another day. – Hank Moody

I miss your smell. When you left, I couldn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely… You. And… it f*cked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And that would… My heart would break all over again. I think that’s why I go in for the kiss all the time. I know, yeah. I think I’m going for… another hit. – Hank Moody

A lot can happen in a weekend. – Hank Moody

That’s right, we’re pullin’ you over mutha fukka! – Hank Moody

I won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. – Hank Moody

Revenge is a dish best served with my d*ck. – Hank Moody

Are you sexually harassing me right now? Because if you are, I think I’m going to have to report you – for giving me a serious boner. – Hank Moody

It is possible that longing for something is better than actually having it. I’ve heard it said that satisfaction is the death of desire. – Hank Moody

It’s not your fault. I’m like fly paper for the emotionally disturbed. – Hank Moody

It looks like a button on a fur coat. Well look on the bright side Charlie, it may be short but it’s thin. – Hank Moody

All those things that weren’t supposed to happen? They happened. But what happens next is up to you. – Hank Moody

I guess I see myself as an enthusiast. A drug and alcohol enthusiast. – Hank Moody

Should I be worried? He does seem dangerously cool. Kind of like a young Lando Calrissian, with a dream. – Hank Moody

I love women. I have all their albums. – Hank Moody

I can make fun of Runkle but you can’t. – Hank Moody

I know you’re saving the planet and all, but it doesn’t give you the right to be an *ssh*le! – Hank Moody

Nobody likes you. You’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f*cking douche. – Hank Moody

You ladies really are the most amazing creatures – my life’s work. But then there’s the morning after – the hangover, the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. and she’s gone and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken. – Hank Moody

You know maybe if you just relaxed for half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate, then you might wake up one morning next to one. – Hank Moody

I’m just like my father. You know, there isn’t a woman that I’ve met that I haven’t fallen in love with for minutes or years. – Hank Moody

The only thing I’m guilty of is poor judgement. – Hank Moody

Girl makes it sound so pleasant. I have one big pain in the *ss teenage daughter. – Hank Moody

Don’t come back here without a dozen roses and your d*ck in a box. – Hank Moody

You have extremely moist lips. They’re like kissable cupcakes. It’s as if Sprinkles and Crumbs got together and made sweet love and had these delicious smoochable cupcake babies. – Hank Moody

I know I’m a big fan of the bye bye pain juice, but I don’t think I’m an alcoholic do you? – Hank Moody

A morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. – Hank Moody

You know what they say? Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us even more annoying. – Hank Moody

It helps to have daughters in low places. – Hank Moody

You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s *ss and not wonder about her dreams. It’s not gentlemanly. – Hank Moody

Rehab is for quitters. – Hank Moody

I look around and I see that everybody else is infinitely more f* up than I am. – Hank Moody

I see us becoming incredibly close. Great friends, eventually. After the part where you hate my guts for a long, cold winter. – Hank Moody

I am saying that if you can do anything else with your life right now, anything at all, I think maybe you should do that the world doesn’t need any more lame vampire fiction, you know what I’m saying? You with me amigo? – Hank Moody

Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I mean, we have all this amazing technology, and yet… computers have turned into basically four-figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but… But all it’s really given us is Howard Dean’s aborted candidacy and… -hour day access to kiddy p*rn. People… They don’t write anymore. They blog. Instead of talking, they text… No punctuation, no grammar, L.O.L. this and L.M.F.A.O. that. It just seems to me that it’s just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a protolanguage that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King’s English. – Hank Moody

The older I get the clearer it becomes that you two were the best thing to ever happen to an old fool like me. – Hank Moody

A morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. – Hank Moody

She said one thing. I said another. Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. – Hank Moody

I made myself a promise and I kept it! My heart and c*ck both swell with pride. – Hank Moody

My adventures in the screen trade have been about as much fun as forced *n*l. – Hank Moody

I can’t help it if some c*ck tard in a fedora takes a picture at the exact wrong moment. – Hank Moody

Whatever you do, don’t be another brick in the wall. – Hank Moody

I’m holding out for Keitel. When in doubt call, in the Bad Lieutenant. Plus the guy loves to show his dong. Gotta love that in a thespian. – Hank Moody

You can’t blame everything on the economy, douche bag. – Hank Moody

That’s what happens in a relationship, you stop caring. The next thing you know the sex is sporadic, the blow job’s bi-annual and *ss play is out of the question. – Hank Moody

Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. to be exact. – Hank Moody

Are you guys really sisters or is this kind of like some white stripes deal? – Hank Moody

You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s *ss and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it’s not gentlemanly. – Hank Moody

Not to contradict your dear old mom, who’s both wicked smart and wonderful, but, no, we don’t have to be realistic. Not when it comes to love. – Hank Moody

She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I f*cked it up again and again and again. – Hank Moody

All my life I thought that sort of life was lame, but now I realize the joke was on me. – Hank Moody

Page one, why the f*ck are you fading in? – Hank Moody

Not only does the lady have bodacious ta-ta’s she also has splendiferous taste in literature. – Hank Moody

Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. – Hank Moody

You can’t let the priests have all the fun. – Hank Moody

It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns, and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment… the moment that could’ve changed everything. – Hank Moody

Turns out it’s really expensive to live in a hotel. – Hank Moody

I look like a f*cking FBI agent. – Hank Moody

I was just putting my thoughts in order when I was rudely interrupted by the ill affects of self-medicating. – Hank Moody

I still think you are mean, petty and vindictive, but I’m thinking maybe we should hate f-ck? Get the poison out? – Hank Moody

I enjoy the casual nature of things. – Hank Moody

Everything is so f*cking crazy right now. I don’t feel like I can make the right move to save my life. – Hank Moody

Well, you should’ve called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you coulda left a message, which I would’ve quickly erased. – Hank Moody

She’s not much one for chatting – texting, yes – twittering, tweeting, twatting, staring solemnly at the old man. – Hank Moody

So what’s the move here? Good cop, bad cop, bald cop? – Hank Moody

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a–hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That’s just me. How bout you guys? – Hank Moody

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like out of of those end in divorce, sometimes more. out of , some. – Hank Moody

Oh never have I been so excited to write a huge check and service the community for twelve days. – Hank Moody

I got a date with my dong and some hotel p*rnography, the good stuff too, penetration and everything. – Hank Moody

No she’s not right and even if she were you’re her parent. It’s your job to make her feel like she’s wrong. – Hank Moody

I like my stink. – Hank Moody

It’s just so hard to tell the difference between those that have a good heart and the ones that are just out there to win. – Hank Moody

You are going to enchant an entire generation of teenage boys with those pound puppies. – Hank Moody

Never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ’cause it’s true – all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you. There’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. My life’s work. But then there’s the morning after. The hangover, and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone. And I’m haunted by yet another road not taken. – Hank Moody

I can’t believe this, we are actually sitting around watching a cop eat doughnuts. – Hank Moody

I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. – Hank Moody

Oh I’m sorry. Turns out I’m quite the Fruit Ninja. – Hank Moody

Friends don’t let friends bang each other’s soul mates. – Hank Moody

I’m not challenging your sobriety but mocking it is kind of fun. – Hank Moody

Nothing like a sweet little Charlie Runkle coming of age story, to make you wanna stab yourself in the d*ck. – Hank Moody

I don’t even know a mother f*cker’s real name. I just call him Alfred and he snaps right to it. – Hank Moody

I’m fine. I’m disgusted with my life and my self, but I’m not unhappy about that. – Hank Moody

Innocent until proven diminutive. – Hank Moody

Get me a strainer, I’ll clean it up, I’ll make it nice. – Hank Moody

Is this wrong? I can’t tell anymore. I can’t f*cking tell anymore. – Hank Moody

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