It’s hard to practice what you preach sometimes. This week I have felt incredibly envious of a younger woman because I didn’t feel like I could match up to her. My partner used to have a crush on this woman who is a friend of his and I noticed this when I met her and saw them interacting. I guessed that he fancied her and though I tried to be fine with him by telling him “you’re allowed to fancy other women, just don’t act on it” I wasn’t fine. Already feeling a bit down this pushed me into a spiral of self loathing and the many rum and cokes consumed didn’t help. That night I know I said a lot of stuff that showed my jealousy and insecurity and it was a deeply unattractive thing.
The next day I felt sick and shakey from all of the drink but I wanted to straighten things out with my boyfriend. I spoke to him later in the day and he told me he was uncertain about us because of three reasons. Two of them I’ll omit but the third was because he didn’t understand why I was so upset that he used to like his friend. She made an inappropriate, sexual joke about my boyfriend when I met her whereby he blushed and gave her a look which I knew meant that he liked and enjoyed her saying it. I knew he had been and perhaps still was attracted to her. She didn’t try and talk to me all night whereas everyone else did and to be honest I have been comparing myself to her all week.
I feel threatened by this woman not only because she is beautiful, young and sexy but she has a history with my boyfriend and it looks like she is his life to stay. It’s not like I can forget or ignore her, it looks like she will always feature in his life and it does worry me. She’s a girl who wasn’t friendly to me and she made it obvious that she doesn’t care about or respect my feelings.
I’m doing my best to get to grips with this girl being in his life but it’s not easy for me at all. I have suffered from anxiety and low self esteem for a long time. I have long term issues with the way I look and my personality. I sometimes tear myself apart with hatred and get to a point where I’m desperate to escape myself.
Jealousy can be ugly thing when displayed in anger and comparison is no good to anyone. In truth, I feel like this woman is a very good match for my boyfriend and I will worry every time he sees her. I will say that from what I have seen, I think I am a kinder, more understanding person with a very strong respect for other women. I love other women because they are my friends and they understand me intrinsically. I will try and build up other women rather than knock them down and I think that is a true display of an attractive person.