I woke up this morning, asking myself about what I know of the world. I answered it in a tired whisper that I know nothing about the world, honestly… and frustratingly. I pulled a Jon Snow earlier on my bed, lying down and thinking about it, and after a few moments of studying the notion and the GoT reference, I did not laugh because it wasn’t funny. Not at all.

I mean I have dreams and ideals, and I’ve always had something to say about the world. I am opinionated, quite critically — ranting and nitpicking are my pet peeves. I still remember the time I ranted about Miley Cyrus, you know when she was going through her dramatic transformation from her Hannah Montana days to the sledgehammer-licking-on-top-of-a-wrecking-ball stage. Recalling the whole speech I gave my uninterested friends that one night before our final exams just causes me to shake my head now. Wow! What a hater I have been all this time because lately I find myself liking Miley Cyrus instead.

But really, what do I know about the world? I have two eyes, two ears, but I can’t make the right words come out of my mouth, and I can’t see through things without the prejudice of face value. I can’t feel the truth by my hands alone; pain is needed. And I only smell disappointment from things I put so much expectations on, as if expectations are bottles of cologne I test when I am out buying one.

What do I know of the world? Because it looks like and I’ve been feeling it these days,  loneliness is teaching me life is unfair.

I tell myself every single day that I am alright but you know what? I am not okay. My back aches but I am okay with that. My head aches but I am okay with that. Every single day I endure these aches because I must carry on with my life. I have a day job that pays the bills. I get tired but I am totally okay with that.

But I am not okay with my fear that I will end up just being okay in life.

It brings me to tears to imagine what my life would be like two months from now, a year or a decade. It brings me to tears because I don’t know what the world means to me. I don’t know, and it scares me because I can’t just go to sleep tonight with the question hanging like a dark cloud over me. Worse, what if the question goes with me even in sleep?

I want to sleep tonight and ask myself what I know about the world. I want to answer even in a tired whisper that I know something, however small and irrelevant it may be. I want to know something about the world and I want to laugh.

I am more than okay with that!

 Originally posted on mssuncheese.wordpress.com.

Responses

  1. Mark

    Deep , very deep , a great share of your life . A piece of your life that’s deeply personal , very deep and brave ✌️

  2. Bibishan

    Do what you fear and the fear will disappear. – David Joseph Schwartz

    It is okay to have fears, what we should not do is to bow down to them.

    If you want to know about the world, I can suggest documentaries about the big bang, the universe, the physics that explains/ tries to explain our existence and all matter it contains, about time and reality, the atmospheric contents, origin of water and how life started. All this really makes me think how absolutely negligible we are in this vast universe and yet we are all made of star stuff, we all are connected through energy, we all posses that power.

    1. mssuncheese

      Thank you. I appreciate this bit of info, and yes, I do agree that we are absolutely negligible in the context of the cosmos and the universe. It’s scary just to think about the magnitude of this fact.

      1. Bibishan

        My pleasure. Getting to know about these kind of things have changed/ affected the way I see life. I hope it does the same for you. And thanks for your nice post.

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