I haven’t been felt like writing for a while now. It’s definitely a type of therapy to get my thoughts out of my head, but it’s like I haven’t known what to say about my feelings and situation.
I’ve been finding it hard to find the motivation to even the smallest of things like wash my face or brush teeth, thought I make sure I do it it feels like a lot of effort to do these things.
I sometimes wonder what I have to look forward to in my life, in the present moment I feel bored, uncomfortable and unsatisfied with the only chinks of light coming though being meeting up with some friends. One of the highlights of my week is having dinners and drinks and nights of intimacy and passion with someone I call a friend type thing. I had been in a relationship with him up until recently and I still have a strong mental and physical and emotional attraction to him. I still love him. I don’t know where it’s heading but I love meeting him so much, I love getting dressed up and I always feel so excited with him. We flirt constantly and there is always a chemistry. There has been since we first met. If we’re enjoying ourselves then why do we need to stop? I’m not desperate to settle down so it works for now.
But I want more in my life to keep me satisfied, this relationship is great for me but I want something else for myself. To feel like my skills and creativity are being used. Right now I feel like life is slow and dull.
I’m moving into my own place soon and I hope this will be a tonic to the boredom and discontentment. I hope that once I move I will feel the power in this move, the independence and freedom to live as I choose.
It feels like a struggle sometimes right now but with all of my effort I will try and make the best of things and get to a more satisfying place in my life.