I’m studying psychology – want to become a therapist in marriage and family therapy. I have read about all types of disorders and mental illnesses and for all these years I have been told that we cannot diagnose ourselves just because we read something that could possibly relate to us. So since I started college, 2012, I avoid identifying with any of these disorders…but maybe that is essentially my problem. Unlike others, I do not like throwing around the word “depression”. However, that feels like what I am feeling…and yet I try to run away from it. It has consumed me, and now I just keep thinking things like “what’s the point?” now believe me the last thing I want is to end all of it, I swear. I am confident in the fact that I love life and everything natural that comes with it. I am a conscious being in this specific plane and nothing could ever compare to that. I keep track of myself and my feelings. I’m just saying that is how I feel this moment. Like I don’t want to be a part of any of it. For a very long time I’ve felt like all I want to do is float. I have also thought about seeing a therapist. But I take my burdens and just leave then on my shoulders because I don’t want to bother anyone or someone to tell me something I already know – or someone tell me something that does not click with what I feel at all. No one is going to be able to identify how I feel because it is a ME thing. I don’t trust doctors, I do not want medication for anxiety, depression, whatever. I just want to speak without being questioned.

I can tell when I’m low and I have figured out that when I’m low, as how I feel today, I seek things that make me feel lower. Like I would spark up a conversation with an ex or with a shitty old friend because I want to marinade in that feeling. This is a problem. It becomes addicting. It takes so much strength to get out of that bubble. Of course, I have to think of the present. I have a great relationship with my other half. Point is, this isn’t about old feelings towards any one in the past or anything…it’s just the feeling of remember old things that made me feel terrible that makes me go after them. I haven’t in a while. But that is what I take that to mean.

Just rambling.

2 thoughts on “Balance”

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