157+ Best Bill Maher Quotes: Exclusive Selection

William Maher is an American comedian, political commentator, and television host known for his acerbic political commentary. Profoundly inspirational Bill Maher Quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for famous quotes by comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of profound Bo Burnham quotes, amazing Dave Chappelle quotes and top Ellen DeGeneres quotes.

Famous Bill Maher Quotes

They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed. – Bill Maher

Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’ – Bill Maher

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’. – Bill Maher

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas. – Bill Maher

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church. – Bill Maher

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor. – Bill Maher

The plain fact is religion must die for mankind to live. The hour is getting very late to be able to indulge in having key deciscions made by religious people. By irrationalists. By those who would steer the ship of state, not by a compass, but by the equivalent of reading the entrails of a chicken. – Bill Maher

Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, ‘If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it’s just praying.’ – Bill Maher

The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach. – Bill Maher

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch. – Bill Maher

Ronald Reagan basically legalized every illegal immigrant in this country. I just like to bring this up because every week I like to make Republican heads explode about how they love Ronald Reagan, but would despise everything he did. – Bill Maher

It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot. – Bill Maher

Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance. – Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. – Bill Maher

Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed. – Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. – Bill Maher

Thanks [Donald] Trump for exposing evangelicals as ‘shameless hypocrites’. – Bill Maher

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him? – Bill Maher

I don’t believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it’s a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life. – Bill Maher

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office. – Bill Maher

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. – Bill Maher

Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said ‘I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.’ I think that’s what he said, he was chewing a crayon. – Bill Maher

Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless. – Bill Maher

But I’ve often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I’d be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They’re sweet. They’re loving. They’re kind, but they don’t mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children. – Bill Maher

In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn’t there be a greater outcry among liberals? – Bill Maher

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority. – Bill Maher

One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time. – Bill Maher

The president had a press conference about this this week and he said that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea. And then he added, ‘Like having no plan ever stopped me before.’. He has something even more deadly in store for them – we’re going to bring them democracy. – Bill Maher

If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in. – Bill Maher

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position – Bill Maher

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair. – Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options. – Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. – Bill Maher

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise. – Bill Maher

Guns aren’t just a tool of last resort. They’re awesome. That’s why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren’t just firearm enthusiasts — you’re ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You’re taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room. – Bill Maher

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people. – Bill Maher

It’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity. – Bill Maher

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope. – Bill Maher

Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye. – Bill Maher

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution. – Bill Maher

I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected. – Bill Maher

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists. – Bill Maher

Trying to get today’s Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they’ve swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum. – Bill Maher

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got? – Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books. – Bill Maher

You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money. – Bill Maher

Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in? – Bill Maher

I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma. – Bill Maher

I think the right-wingers have to buddy up to the fact that either the minimum wage has to go up, and people get enough money to live, or you’re always going to have people needing government assistance. You can’t have it both ways. – Bill Maher

New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we’re Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there’s no stopping us until we’re licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we’re really not capable of: restraint and math. – Bill Maher

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became. – Bill Maher

If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs. – Bill Maher

Stop saying athletes do it for the love of the game. They do it for the love of their 32-room mansion with the live shark tank in the living room. If pro sports paid minimum wage, Shaquille O’Neal would be a bouncer at Scores, and Anna Kournikova would be a mail-order bride from Minsk. – Bill Maher

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone. – Bill Maher

Freedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that ‘Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,’ as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn’t insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable. – Bill Maher

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. – Bill Maher

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally. – Bill Maher

When I hear from people that religion doesn’t hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan. – Bill Maher

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course, the Democrats are disappointing. That’s what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating, they’d be your relatives. But in this country, they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter ‘D’? Because it’s a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is ‘R’? Because it’s the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark. – Bill Maher

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles. – Bill Maher

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing. Their answer to wealth inequality, do nothing. Health care? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t exist. For a group of people so head over heels in love with self-reliance, they sure do recommend a lot of sitting on their ass. – Bill Maher

I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians. – Bill Maher

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’ – Bill Maher

I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths. – Bill Maher

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired. – Bill Maher

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. – Bill Maher

Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into the mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby… That’s the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He’s not even a liberal. – Bill Maher

In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit. – Bill Maher

The Founding Fathers were more deists. If you had to categorize them as anything. There was some sort of moving prime force. But it’s an impersonal force. Some people call it Nature. Certainly not this personal god who you have a personal relationship with, who listens to your prayers and answers them, or doesn’t. You know, not the silly stuff that most Americans believe because we’re such a dumb nation. – Bill Maher

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity. – Bill Maher

Denying racism is the new racism. – Bill Maher

New rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain. – Bill Maher

Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss. – Bill Maher

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home. – Bill Maher

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies. – Bill Maher

Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade? – Bill Maher

Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is. – Bill Maher

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do. – Bill Maher

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, youd resign in protest. To do otherwise is to be an enabler – a mafia wife. – Bill Maher

Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence. – Bill Maher

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. – Bill Maher

Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids. – Bill Maher

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who’s your real friend? It’s the person who tells you the truth. That’s who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that. – Bill Maher

This is a ridiculous heat wave we’re in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air. – Bill Maher

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again. – Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution. – Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers; Republican congressmen do to the country. – Bill Maher

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain. – Bill Maher

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws? – Bill Maher

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won’t say it. – Bill Maher

Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. – Bill Maher

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool. – Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. – Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it’s been taken over by the religious right. – Bill Maher

I never thought I’d say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush. – Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious. – Bill Maher

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap. – Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show. – Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don’t know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, ‘I’ve got one question: What color is the red phone?’ – Bill Maher

President Bush is supporting Arnold, but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn’t a Nazi, he wouldn’t have any credibility with conservatives at all. – Bill Maher

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, ‘Please, I used to pull the same trick. There’d be an intervention, I’d make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.’ – Bill Maher

Americans are finally coming to a point where they’re accepting of religious criticism, is because George Bush is the first president who really put religion so front-and-center. He’s the most Christ-y president we’ve ever had – and he is, not uncoincidentally, the biggest disaster we’ve ever had. I think even people who are religious don’t like it shoved down their throat. I think people kind of get it on a certain level, that this is an antiscience administration, and we’re living in a time where we can’t afford to be antiscience – for environmental reasons, for educational reasons. – Bill Maher

I was brought up Catholic and we show my mom, my mother, my sister and then I take pains to explain on camera, that there were years after that where I wasn’t really religious. I certainly wasn’t a Catholic anymore, but I still lived with some mythical man in my head. I didn’t really put a name to a face, but I just knew that if I was in trouble or scared I would go, ‘Oh God, please help me get out of this one.’ – Bill Maher

Sometimes I’m dragging my ass out to the airport at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and I’m wondering why I’m doing this, but once I walk on stage I know why…because I’m addicted. – Bill Maher

The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they’re so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid. – Bill Maher

Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you’d best deliver information with entertainment. – Bill Maher

My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid. – Bill Maher

As a loyal American and I think a patriotic American, no, I don’t want Sarah Palin to be president. – Bill Maher

If you came into the theater believing in the talking snake, it’s kind of hard to leave the theater still believing in the talking snake. – Bill Maher

I said something recently about how the president [Barak Obama] should stop trying to placate the crazies and the right wing and the Republicans and stand up for the 70 percent of Americans who are not insane and stand up for the people who actually voted for you. That hit a real nerve. – Bill Maher

I’m not a joiner. I don’t like organizations. – Bill Maher

Democrats are afraid of polls. Republicans aren`t afraid of polls. Republicans make polls. Democrats run from polls. – Bill Maher

Laughter is sort of a natural truth detector. If you laugh at something, it’s probably because there was some truth in it. – Bill Maher

Everybody has a magazine and a channel. There are 500 channels and 500 magazines, and we wonder why we’re not united as a country. – Bill Maher

Whatever good religion has done; it has come at a terrible price. – Bill Maher

When those myths were created, when the Bible was written, man didn’t know what an atom or a germ was, or where the sun went at night, or why the women got pregnant. [Laughs.] They needed stories to answer the questions. – Bill Maher

Barack Obama is the President of the United States, a politician in America, a very religious country, so I understand why he has to pretend to be a religious person himself. I say pretend because, I can only hope that someone as bright as he, wouldn’t really believe that people can walk on water and ride a winged horse and rain frogs and you can change water into wine. – Bill Maher

People are either good or they’re not. Religion doesn’t make anybody good; I don’t think. – Bill Maher

Don’t vote for Republicans or Democrats until they clean up the open system of bribery that we live under. – Bill Maher

Treason is when legislators vote against homeland security measures because it goes against the wishes of their political or financial backers. Treason is the fact that, as a terrorist, you could still buy a gun in this country because the NRA lobby is so strong. – Bill Maher

People who don’t like you almost never come up to you. That’s a lot of years of saying things that I know a lot of people in this country hate me for. And the number of times someone has come up to me and said something negative, I could count on one hand. – Bill Maher

I don’t think George Bush is a good president by any imagination, but when he said, ‘If you’re talking to Al-Quaeda, we want to know what it’s about,’ it just proves one thing: If you’re president long enough, you will one day say something that is true. – Bill Maher

One of the reasons I still do stand-up is because it was so hard in the beginning that I feel like it would be such a shame not to redeem it that it’s all fun. – Bill Maher

People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it’s hard at the beginning. – Bill Maher

People do not want to be disillusioned by the new president [Barak Obama]. The liberals felt, finally, this is our time. Now they’re worried. Now what they see is more business as usual. We all want to give him the benefit of the doubt, we know it’s a tough job and he inherited a mess, but at the end of the day, is it really change we can believe in when there’s no public options and Wall Street reform has no teeth in it? It really looks a lot like we just changed the color. – Bill Maher

The worst years of my life were the first two years I was doing standup. You’re learning how to do, and you’re going on stage in front of two drunks and people aren’t laughing and you’re broke. That’s a really hard time in your life. – Bill Maher

It takes the youth, really; they’re the ones that should have the energy, it shouldn’t be the old geezers, but the signs are very worrying. Half of them, apparently, don’t believe in global warming. They think it’s a hoax, which is more of that stupid, stick-their-head-in-the-sand attitude. Where is the outrage at the generations that have preceded them spending all the money? But the cynicism is so deep and so ingrained; I guess no one feels they can do anything. – Bill Maher

Every time somebody says ‘Islamophobia’ it gives the people who are intimidating cover. – Bill Maher

People, especially the liberals, just live in this world where if anything is said that offends anybody even a little bit, not only does that person have to apologize; sometimes they have to go away forever. Go away, bad person. My analysis of this is that most of us don’t do anything decent in our life. I’m not saying we’re evil. I’m just saying we don’t make a contribution, so the way they [liberals] think they’re making a contribution is to point at the bad people [which] is somehow even more pathetic. – Bill Maher

I’m just honest. They [asians] don’t want to see black people generally in their movies. – Bill Maher

Let’s be honest, half the marriages end in divorce. For me, it’s never made much sense. I have a girlfriend and I’m not interested in anyone else, but I still wouldn’t want to bring the federal and state government into my life. – Bill Maher

I’m more likely to not invite someone back for not talking. If someone talks a lot, I can usually shut them up and control them. But with people who don’t talk, if they don’t really want to talk, they probably shouldn’t be on this show, and that’s fine. They’re talented people with things to say, but sometimes people say what they have to say through other means than arguing. – Bill Maher

Old Testament, is really one of the most wickedest books you’ll ever come across. God is an insecure, rage-filled hybrid of Bobby Knight and Suge Knight. He’s got these anger issues that you can’t believe. He’s like John McCain if McCain could fart hail. He’s pro-slavery, he’s pro-polygamy, he’s homophobic, he’ll kill you for masturbating. – Bill Maher

Eell there always is a tendency in human nature to deify. – Bill Maher

People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it’s just laughable. – Bill Maher

The key to me, in religion, is just to treat it like it doesn’t really matter. We have a Pope, we don’t really believe him, we don’t really listen to what he says, we don’t really take him seriously. That’s what has to happen with religion. It has to be marginalized and in the Islamic world, it’s not marginalized, it’s taken literally. – Bill Maher

People are very narcissistic. It’s not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you. – Bill Maher

Recognition is one of the three big elements of comedy. – Bill Maher

In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things. – Bill Maher

Nobody in America who wants pot has any trouble getting it, so maybe that’s why we aren’t seeing support for legalization. People don’t think it’s necessary to legalize it, because it’s so easy to get it. – Bill Maher

Stand-up is great because I can get everything off my chest. – Bill Maher

I don’t want to start a movement that mirrors religion. I don’t want to create the church of the non-believers where I’m the preacher and we’re all gathering together and reciting things. – Bill Maher

Anything is depressing if you dwell on it. The fact that religion could end the world? Yeah, I guess that could be considered depressing. But considering that there’s also a lot to laugh at, I think it’s a good balance. – Bill Maher

My thinking is, government is really there to do the things that people absolutely can’t do for themselves. And that’s mostly involved with the things that might kill you. And what might kill me? The environment and terrorism. – Bill Maher

All I’m saying, as a fan, is I’m tired of the same song for 30 years. Can’t we change the message a little? You’ve arrived. You have a black president. Every white guy in a commercial doesn’t have to be the idiot and every black guy in a rap song doesn’t have to be God’s gift to the world. – Bill Maher

I hear a lot of talk today about xenophobia. Is it really phobia if you have something to be afraid of? – Bill Maher

Even somebody like Bill Clinton, who I happen to admire very much, the second he was out of office, I remember, he was interview in Rolling Stone and he said he thought we should have legalized marijuana. And I thought, gosh, if only you were in some sort of position to affect change in the last eight years where you could have done something about that. – Bill Maher

When I was 5 years old, I knew who Khrushchev was. – Bill Maher

To me, being brave is an element that is so important with stand-up comedy. It’s not essential. There are many comics who were just funny, and that’s fine, too. But that’s never been what I was trying to do in comedy. I was always trying to do something that involved not pandering to the audience. – Bill Maher

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That’s why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don’t keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh. – Bill Maher

I’m definitely good. I’m not bad; I’m extremely honest, and I allow no bullshit to pass by my radar. And that will always get lots of people thinking you’re a jerk. But there are people who appreciate total honesty and questioning of the conformities in our society, and I’m heroic to those people. And I should be. It’s an indictment of the rest of society who doesn’t get that. – Bill Maher

New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram—to see what will happen if she has an abortion—you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn’t. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants. – Bill Maher

Religion is defined as belief in and worship of a controlling power and atheism is precisely not that. – Bill Maher

This Ted Cruz guy, I mean, he incurred the wrath, really, of his own party. They don’t like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus, he’s the one guy she refuses to lick. – Bill Maher

Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling ‘Santorum.’ – Bill Maher

It’s a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who’s got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does. – Bill Maher

Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school. – Bill Maher

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