if i say i can be the strongest person in the world in the sense that i can withstand any situation of the world on my own. To hell i am wrong, i know but what if i say i have been acting as such for a long time now.
Yeah that’s a tragedy i know !!! Isn’t but believe me i have been acting too well. I would not never show my weakness to my own family ..that’s how i have been raised. Though no one forced me to hide my pain yet sadly though no one could find it too.
I have been raised in a family where i always was made strong, independent woman.. i am proud that they did. its because of them that i am able to survive in this new city a new world indeed. I haven’t shed a tear when i left home for the first and still haven’t, i have seen so many other girls like me getting weak and getting distracted in the flowy winds of Delhi. ‘DILWALO KI DELHI’ . is it really ??
It is indeed in some way or other.. It lets you live your life the way you want, atleast for some small town girl like me or more precisely some village girl. It makes you go wild, wander around different places, make people your friends..its hell easy to make friends here i must say ,all you need to do is talking.. you may catch some or other’s eyes looking at you and having the desire to know more of you.. but amidst this city .. big city indeed…
I miss them, those far enough place of my heart. My home .. my beach ( though its not mine completely ) my sunset, my people and most importantly My family. Those people who are the reason why i can survive in this city and have this urge inside me to live…i respect them to the core.. but when today i write these words i am feeling emotional to let my heart spill the beans of other side of the coin. My family indeed and yet i dream of a family .. confused??
Yeah i dream of a family bigger than mine.. where i could talk to them all the day i want where i can believe if i will try to cut my wrist i won’t be able to do that because one time or other it will remind me of them..
My family comprises of my father, my mother and elder brother. They have always let me feel the freedom, never ever restricted me to a point that i can’t move from.. they moved opposite to the winds of the place where we live but then there stays a gap . A gap so big that it was never felt. even if i try i won’t be able to bridge it. A gap of hearts that will stay forever and not because they are ignorant or harsh or not able to understand but coz i never reflect what i feel inside me. I have this strong hardshell that won’t let them know me completely.. i am all good outside but then i am all hollow inside. They believe i can resist everything .. i can beat every damn problem .. but i know how lonely i feel in this race.
When my brother the other day came to me after so many months and surprised me with a guitar .. my love for singing… i was immensely happy .. but then his reluctancy to stay for a whlie to talk to me , made me upset . His impatient attitude to stay with me even for a hour made me realise how much we lack communication. If not been a other common friend .. i dont know if we could even have a conversation other than ‘ how are you’ or ‘ how’s college’ or ‘ how’s job’. I wished he wouldn’t have gone all the way to bareilly to buy a guitar for me and yet couldnt stay a while with me . The feeling itself burdened me.. i wished he would have just hugged me and could have said i missed you chelli ( sister) Or could have asked if i feel afraid in this vast place all alone. But then he didn’t .. he always made me look stronger, smile brightly before him. And so i did smiled with all my will and all my heart.. afterall seeing him after so many months was itself a blessing ..like a peace i run for
I guess that’s how family is . You talk less, you understand more , more than anyone else .. that’s what i always believed until i saw family here. Singing, dancing, saying words for each other … siblings so much into each other’s life. it was a harsh reality so i denied to accept it . For me its a dream .. a distant dream to know my own people , cry infront of them, tell them how afraid i feel sometimes ..and most importantly how much i miss them…
That’s a pathetic life i am living in .. a dream i wanna live forever .. a sky that i wouldnt wanna leave everything for ..for me words are the healing that no one ever proposed.. so i am healing myself… in a way that won’t make someone look towards me in pity ..