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79+ EXCLUSIVE Dwight Schrute Quotes That Get You

79+ EXCLUSIVE Dwight Schrute Quotes That Get You

Dwight Schute is one of the funniest, most absurd characters on “The Office.” Dwight Schrute quotes will teach you all you need to know about life. Enjoy the funniest, most absurd sayings from one of the most memorable and lovable TV characters.

If you’re searching for famous life quotes to share with the people you love or just want to feel inspired yourself, discover cute quotes of all time. Browse through an inspiring collection of unique tupac shakur quotes, best dr seuss quotes and tony montana quotes.

Dwight Schrute Quotes

There are 3 things you never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Before I do anything, I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing. — Dwight Schrute tweet

All you need is love? False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food and shelter. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes before i do anything

I am ready to face any challenge that might be foolish enough to face me. — Dwight Schrute tweet

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Growing up I performed my own circumcision. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes about feelings

You think you’re excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing! — Dwight Schrute tweet

And I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word “failure”. — Dwight Schrute tweet

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… And a panther. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow. — Dwight Schrute tweet

PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it. — Dwight Schrute tweet

In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching. — Dwight Schrute tweet

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I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. — Dwight Schrute tweet

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Those who can’t farm, farm celery. — Dwight Schrute tweet

It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose. — Dwight Schrute tweet

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A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present. — Dwight Schrute tweet

How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. — Dwight Schrute tweet

And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t. — Dwight Schrute tweet

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck. — Dwight Schrute tweet

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Why are all these people here? There’re too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t, you’ll be eaten in your sleep. crunch— Dwight Schrute tweet

Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I’m looking forward to. It’s an Amish technique. It’s like slapping someone with silence. — Dwight Schrute tweet

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute motivational quotes

I never smile if I can help it, showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. Someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. — Dwight Schrute tweet

In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is Oh, I broke my leg! A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead! — Dwight Schrute tweet

I don’t have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor’s dog. — Dwight Schrute tweet

‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’ — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes about diary

Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last! — Dwight Schrute tweet

The Civil War history industry has conveniently forgotten about the battle of Schutte Farms. Whatever. I’m over it. It’s just grossly irresponsible. — Dwight Schrute tweet

The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes about hell

My perfect Valentine’s day? I’m at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the fifty restaurant reservations I made over six months ago. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. — Dwight Schrute tweet

There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes about nostalgia

There are three things you must never turn your back on: bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season. — Dwight Schrute tweet

I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same… except I could fly. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Of course, Martial arts training is relevant… Uh, I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ… You know what, you can go to hell, and I will see you there. Burning! — Dwight Schrute tweet

The eyes are the groin of the head. — Dwight Schrute tweet

dwight schrute quotes about people

D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific. — Dwight Schrute tweet

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged? tweet

Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. tweet

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight. tweet

dwight schrute quotes funny

No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes. tweet

As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy, I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved. tweet

To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever. tweet

As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical. tweet

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Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things. tweet

People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, then by a stranger, on purpose. tweet

The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever. tweet

Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So, I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified. tweet

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Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms. tweet

Now that I own the building, I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea. tweet

Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones. tweet

It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect. tweet

dwight schrute undivided attention quotes

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. tweet

I saw Wedding Crashers accidentally. I bought a ticket for Grizzly Man and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks… they come when you least expect it. tweet

I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus, I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides. tweet

Studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. tweet

funny dwight schrute quotes

When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had absorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. tweet

I really like Andy these days. He’s pretended, and he does exactly as I tell him to. All that will change when real Andy comes back tomorrow. Unless he comes back as pretend Dwight. In which case, we’re in for an epic, confusing showdown. tweet

When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. tweet

At first, I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right? tweet

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