”i can never love you, its just an attraction, it might be infatutaion and marriage is just of out picture ” . When you hear this words , after an long year of comfortable interaction, you question yourself and not just it makes you sad , it actually makes you uncomfortable about your own persona ., of what kind of vibes are you giving to people , of what is actually making people love your body more than you as you are..
When i talked to this guy who happened to be my old acquintance and started talking after a year or so and i came to know , he is single . Why his relationship status was an news for me, because he happened to be my crush , i liked this guy for his sweet behaviour , a genuine person.. but what i actually saw after a year was different, completely different. Maybe heartbreaks change people’s mindsets and they make them less emotional. And its like they are drunk without alcohol and blaberring out whatever going or other way around dey might become extremely sober. Some other people tend to find temporary comforts and maybe he found in me … that word temporary came as a huge setback for me. It was not just emotional temporary comfort , it was mental,sexual and a series of hurrie decisions that came by And i often feel extremely guilty for my ownself , i let myself down.. i let myself used by someone for their temporary happiness.
There is this line i once wrote and now its like my condition more or less,
”In pursue of a forever, we often find ourselves vulnerable to the temporary happiness” .
Maybe , when after so many years someone came and started making me feel like i was good , i was actually worth noticing , i couldn’t stop myself but feel good.who wouldn’t ? And when that person is a crush of yours ..it makes things worse.. i couldn’t believe how fast things happened.. how easily i let him inside my world. No restrictions, no chasing, no rules .. nothing ..And when with some silly mistakes , we lost our years long friendship , it felt bad , real bad.. Sometimes as a human you cannot control your animal instincts and that actually makes you take up something that otherwise your personal nature won’t allow.
Saddest part, even knowing that this won’t last forever, that he isn’t right person , he is not there for me… i still fell for him terribly .. it was terrible to feel being someone just comfort , someone’s present because you seem helpful and not tomorrow.
”I knew , slipping clothes would make me vulnerable but never thought my soul would slip away” . Its a pathetic phase , i felt .. i still do.. i had a passion for writing and i let a big dream go because of that. And all that, drastically changed myself , physically , mentally, emotionally and socially .
When i was young , i wanted myself just for one guy , and i cannot believe as of today , i am letting random guys know me closer than they actual deserve ..the concept of true love has left my diary and now its more of random flings, no strings attached or friends with benefits kind of life . Though i never have been on a date and sometimes i did wanted too but now its like a phobia .. i am afraid to be closer to anyone , to be in a face to face attraction ..it makes me conscious .. Mentally i am becoming careless, not of my dreams but of my smallest emotions that i used to adore earlier, the emotion of trust worthiness , care, love, .. qualities that make a man a person with beautiful soul.. i am kind of loosing it.. and sad part , i am not much caring about it
What is surprising that , when two months back , i was very fat person and though i still am.. but not much.. that time , i never had any attention from people , and today its like , my body is attracting people that i never ever wanted to…
” hey ! I won’t lie but to have sex with you will be a dream come true ”. Said a guy once.
And that guy sounded none less than my crush… sex and that’s all a guy can expect from a girl ? Is it ? ..or vice versa
So many times , i wanted to prove myself wrong but since last two years not a single relation, not a single guy has proved me wrong.
I have seen my friend almost die , after she came to know that this guy did never actually love her, but she was great trophy in his collection of girls that he had been. Of all the choices , he had, he choosed to make her feel terribly low by commenting on her body structure , how he could never enjoy a hug with her because of small boobs , and more… the way he afforded time to see naked pictures of her at 11 but could not wait at same time to have a warm talk..
And when on continuous refusal for not meeting up in further , he blackmailed her for sending the images to her friends…
Already being numbstruck about the fact that a three year realtionship was a lie and then getting blacmailed for doing something with all your emotions.. its a pity that he is being called a man . I don’t label him as the same..
And believe me my list has numerous such cases, i came across many such guys..and everytime i felt that i should actually know little bit more of the guy .. i was soo much felt as if someone they would like to enjoy day amd night but may never would like to have a normal talk.. many guys talk used to start from sexting and not just flirting . I am still confused, where am i giving that kind of indications.. even if i flirt more , i do the same… but its not like i am craving this only thing in life….
Now, this very feeling of being asked about the same and same again and again , it has made me so careless that i actually give advantage to random people of me… its like i am making myself available for everyone amd anyone.. and i hate it sooooo much m i want to shut myself from every place and i do try.
This age of sexual attraction is a terrible age , you play with bodies and more with emotions , you are afraid of commitments , you try to avoid relations. And i am not different .
I not only am dying inside but actually am feeling numb , i don’t feel things anymore . I have lost trust on most of the purest emotions..
Can you actually blame the guys ? Or the condition ? i prefer to blame myself.
But ,I do want the answers for myself … i want to believe in a life where there exists a love , a moonlight and lots of talks just of life . .. i want to sleep in peace on sea shore below the stars .i want to live this dream. And i hope i can.