80 Funny Irish Quotes To Make You Smile

A cabin with plenty of food is better than a hungry castle

A hair on the head is worth two on the brush.

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished.

A turkey never voted for an early Christmas.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.

Money does not make you happy but it quiets the nerves

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Being Irish is very much a part of who I am. I take it everywhere with me.

Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Don’t talk about a rope in the house of someone whose father was hung.

Every St. Patrick’s Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.

funny irish quotes

Rain is also very difficult to film, particularly in Ireland because it’s quite fine, so fine that the Irish don’t even acknowledge that it exists.

You know it’s summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer.

Everyone is wise until he speaks.

God invented whiskey to prevent the Irish people from ruling the world.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

I can resist everything except temptation.

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven’t seen the joke yet.

Those who drink to forget, please pay in advance

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad.

I think being a woman is like being Irish. Everyone says you’re important and nice, but you take second place all the same.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t there more happy teenagers?

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

In heaven there is no beer…That’s why we drink ours here.

It is better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life

It’s a loser’s emblem (swastika), because the Nazis lost the war. It’s ridiculous to suggest we are involved with fascists. All my best friends are black, gay, Irish or criminals.

Many times, a man’s mouth has broken his nose.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish… You’re lucky enough!

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

Nodding the head does not row the boat.

Here’s health to your enemies’ enemies!

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

It’s my rule never to lose me temper till it would be detrimental to keep it.

The world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed

Praise the ripe field not the green corn.

Sometimes I think I am a genius. Then I realize I’ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.

The Irish don’t know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse.

I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.

Only Irish coffee provides all main essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

What’s the use of being Irish if the world doesn’t break your heart?

The Irish ignore anything they can’t drink or punch.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The trouble with me is that I am a vindictive old shanty-Irish bitch.

There’s no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible.

He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.

Any Kerryman will tell you that there are only two Kingdoms: the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Kerry

I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.

I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

May the wind always be at your back.

There are only three kinds of Irish men who can’t understand women- young men, old men, and men of middle age.

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I’d rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

I once read about the evils of drink, so I gave up reading.

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.

May neighbours respect you, trouble neglect you, the angels protect you, and Heaven accept you.

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

It’s easy to halve the potato where there’s love.

I spent a lot of good money on drink, women and cars, the rest I just squandered

I don’t consider myself a heavy drinker, I often go hours without touching a drop.

May you be at the gates of heaven an hour before the devil knows you’re dead!

Drinking gives one a very clear sense of who’s to blame for everything.Wherever you go and whatever you do, May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

You never miss the water till the well has run dry.

An Irishman after trying American beer for the first time: “Put it back in the horse!”

Every man is sociable until a cow invades his garden.

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint and another one!

Irish Alzheimer’s -you forget everything except the grudges.

You’ve got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.