75+ Best Funny Parenting Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Inspirational funny parenting quotes will brighten up your day and make you feel ready to take on anything.

If you’re searching for extremely funny quotes and hilarious work quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny political quotes, hilarious real estate quotes and funniest retirement quotes.

Famous Funny Parenting Quotes

A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops. – Maurice Johnston

Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. – Karen Savage and Patricia Adams

Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes. – Joyce Armor

90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again. – Anonymous

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. – Erma Bombeck

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. – Benjamin Spock

funny parenting quotes

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them. – James Baldwin

Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too. – Lionel Kauffman

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. – David Frost

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911. – Erma Bombeck

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. – Louis C. K.

I used to believe my father about everything but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. – Brian Andreas

Parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. – Bill Cosby

Before I had kids, I always found it funny how people would talk about their children like they were the cutest things on the planet and how every little thing they did was endlessly fascinating. Now that I’ve had kids, I can say with certainty that, my children really are the cutest things on this planet and every little thing they do is endlessly fascinating – Jennifer Miller

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering. – Paul Reiser

Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck

Do your kids a favor-don’t have any. – Robert Orben

It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner. – Ben Bergor

Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home. – Phyllis Diller

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? – Milton Berle

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife. – Rodney Dangerfield

To be a successful father there is one absolute rule: when you have a kid don’t look at it for the first two years. – Ernest Hemingway

Once you sign on to be a mother, that’s the only shift they offer. – Jodi Picoult

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. – Erma Bombeck

To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.- Barbara Johnson

Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed. – passage from Eat Pray Love

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires. – Dorothy Parker

What is a home without children. Quiet. – Henny Youngman

If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children. – Susan Savannah

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; Now I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. – Clarence Day

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. – P.J. O’Rourke

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. – Ralph Emerson

Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes. – Chris Martin

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. – Erma Bombeck

Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare. – Ed Asner

It’s impossible to protect your kids against disappointment in life. – Nicholas Sparks

I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these g*ddamn*d kids. – Andy Richter

Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth. – Peter Ustinov

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own. – Doug Larson

Having children is like living in a frat house, nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. – Ray Romano

Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for. – Ogden Nash

Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer. – Jodi Picoult

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. – Franklin P. Adams

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both f*ck*d. – George Carlin

Adults are just outdated children. – Dr. Seuss

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. – Woody Allen

Now, as always, the most automated appliance in a household is the mother. – Beverly Jones

You can learn many things from chidren. How much patience you have for instance. – Franklin P. Jones

A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm. – Bill Vaughan

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap on a rope. – Bill Cosby

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television. – Erma Bombeck

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. – Red Buttons

Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children, and now I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester

I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself & now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy. – Brian Andreas

A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes. – Russell Lynes

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of. – Bruce Lanskiy

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. – Michelle Pfeiffer

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. – Dave Barry

Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids. – Sam Levenson

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. – Calvin Trillin

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close & whisper You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds. – Rob Delaney

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job. – Roseanne Barr

The problem with children is that you have to put up with their parents. – Charles De Lint

I am not allowed to sing, dance, laugh or wear short skirts. Having a teenage daughter is like living with the Taliban. – Kathy Lette

Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse. – Nia Vardalos

Motherhood: All love begins and ends there. – Robert Browning

All mothers are working mothers. – Phyllis Diller

The truth is that parents aren’t really interested in justice. They just want quiet. – Bill Cosby

Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty. – Julia Roberts

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