104+ Best Funny Retirement Quotes to Make You Laugh

Retirement is the withdrawal from one’s position or occupation or from one’s active working life. A person may also semi-retire by reducing work hours. Inspirational funny retirement quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funniest quotes ever and extremely funny inspirational quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny relationship quotes, hilarious animal quotes and funniest anniversary quotes.

Famous Funny Retirement Quotes

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. – A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

No more alarm clocks for you – you can go back to sleep or get up – it is entirely up to you!

Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account!

Often when you think you’re at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else. – Fred Rogers

Retirement is like coming home one day and telling your wife, honey, I’m home… for good!

Welcome to the next phase of life. There’s no dress code, but you probably can’t afford clothes anymore, anyway!

Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. – Gene Perret

Retirement is just a never-ending vacation.

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. – Abe Lemons

funny retirement quotes

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired. – Unknown

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. – Maya Angelou

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. – Bill Waterson, Calvin & Hobbes

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. – Jonathan Clements

We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

You can’t retire from being great. – Unknown

Happiness is being retired and spending all of my kids’ inheritance before I die! – Anon

Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can’t retire his experience. He must use it. – Bernard M. Baruch

Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. – Malcolm Forbes

I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work. – Unknown

It is better to live rich than to die rich. – Samuel Johnson

You have to put off being young until you can retire. – Author Unknown

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. – Will Rogers

Something pretty…that’s just the surface. People worry so much about aging, but you look younger if you don’t worry about it. – Jeanne Moreau

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. – Author Unknown

Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. – Kellie Elmore

When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money. – Chi Chi Rodriguez

Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too. – Charles Baxter

Retired is being tired twice, I’ve thought, first tired of working, then tired of not. – Richard Armour

Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and, how you want to do it. – Catherine Pulsifer

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. – Robert Half

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job. – Ella Harris

The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender. – Vince Lombardi

Hilarious Retirement Quotes

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age. – Sophia Loren

hilarious retirement quotes

Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. – Gene Perret

In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon. – Unknown

When some people retire, it’s going to be mighty hard to be able to tell the difference. – Virginia Graham

While some people can’t wait until their retirement, others feel cheated that they have to retire at all. – Catherine Pulsifer

Sooner or later I’m going to die, but I’m not going to retire. – Margaret Mead

He who laughs last at the boss’s jokes probably isn’t far from retirement. – Unknown

You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing. – George Bernard Shaw

Living each day as if it were your last doesn’t mean your last day of retirement on a remote island. It means to live fully, authentically and spontaneously with nothing being held back. – Jack Canfield

Retirement’s the most wonderful thing. I get to enjoy all the things I never stopped to notice on the way up. After an extraordinary life, it’s time to enjoy my retirement. – Patrick Macnee

I found out retirement means playing golf, or I don’t know what the hell it means. But to me, retirement means doing what you have fun doing. – Dick Van Dyke

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. – George Burns

Instead of saving for someone else’s college education, I’m currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch. – Jen Kirkman

In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day. – Terri Guillemets

To retire is to begin to die. – Pablo Casals

For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things. – John Sharp

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment. – Terri Guillemets

funniest retirement quotes

I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy. – Unknown

Retirement: World’s longest coffee break. – Unknown

We work all our lives so we can retire – so we can do what we want with our time – and the way we define or spend our time defines who we are and what we value. – Bruce Linton, Fatherhood: The Journey from Man to Dad

The joy of retirement comes in those everyday pursuits that embrace the joy of life; to experience daily the freedom to invest one’s life-long knowledge for the betterment of others; and, to allocate time to pursuits that only received, in years of working, a fleeting moment. – Byron Pulsifer

A thriving new beginning can be and should be a time for amazing engagement, growth, connections, contributions, and amazing possibilities. – Lee M. Brower

When you retire, you switch bosses – from the one who hired you to the one who married you. – Unknown

Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet. – Unknown

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. – Chi Chi Rodriguez

Retirement is the ugliest word in the language. – Ernest Hemingway

Your best retirement plan for retiring happy and prosperous – don’t be a burden on others. – Ernie J Zelinski

My retirement plan is to get thrown into a minimum security prison in Hawaii. – Julius Sharpe ?

People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways. I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price. – George Burns

As your life changes, it takes time to recalibrate, to find your values again. You might also find that retirement is the time when you stretch out and find your potential. – Sid Miramontes, Retirement: Your New Beginning

Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it and how you want to do it, – Catherine Pulsifer

extremely funny retirement quotes

For retirement brings repose, and repose allows a kindly judgment of all things. – John Sharp Williams

Working people have a lot of bad habits, but the worst of these is work. – Clarence Darrow

You are a person I really admire, because you are a person who gets to retire. – Unknown

You can compare a person’s retirement partly to that of an automobile’s or any other device. There comes a time when you have to slow down or completely stop doing what you’ve been doing for the past 20 or 30 years and take a well-deserved break. – Adrian J.Williams

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. – R.C. Sherriff

Short Funny Retirement Quotes

I’m now as free as the breeze with roughly the same income. – Gene Perret

If you are going to go broke before retirement, retire first. – Dave Erhard

Like life, retirement can be full of surprises. Take when you retire, for example. – Talbot Boggs

If you really want to annoy me, ask me when I’m going to retire from rock n’ roll. – Bruce Dickinson

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C.S. Lewis

There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world. Because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on. – Zayn Malik

We have no porch, no rocking chair – and no time. My biggest need is a calendar because there are so many things to do. – Maurice Musholt

Others will keep working because the “gold” in our so-called “golden years” doesn’t have to come from watching sunsets. – Arianna Huffington

The old notion of retirement is dead. It is no longer a day in the distant future when, on reaching your sixty-fifth birthday, you hang up your suit and never return to the office again. – Martin Bamford

Retirement is wonderful if you have two essentials – much to live on and much to live for. – Author Unknown

For many, retirement is a time for personal growth, which becomes the path to greater freedom. – Robert Delamontague

Retire from work, but not from life. – M.K. Soni

There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want. – Bill Watterson

Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. – Unknown

As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning. – Earl Nightingale

Planning to retire? Before you do find your hidden passion, do the thing that you have always wanted to do. – Catherine Pulsifer

You have to put off being young until you can retire. – Unknown

I’m not retiring. I am graduating. Today is my graduation day. Retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen. – Junior Seau

There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it ‘retirement.’ I call it bliss. – Betty Sullivan

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. – Robert Benchley

Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, Hi, Honey, I’m home – forever. – Gene Perret

Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway.” – Author Unknown

Don’t act your age in retirement. Act like the inner young person you have always been. – J. A. West

I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy. – Danny McGoorty

Retirement . . . is when you stop living at work and begin working at living.Retirement . . . is when you stop living at work and begin working at living. – Unknown

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles. – Doug Larson

Retirement: No Job, No Stress, No Pay! – Unknown

I’m not just retiring from the company, I’m also retiring from my stress, my commute,

Retirement itself is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it. – Abigail Charleson

Retirement: That’s when you return from work one day and say, “Hi, Honey, I’m home, forever. – Gene Perret

my alarm clock, and my iron. – Hartman Jule

The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are! – Unknown

Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house. – Unknown

A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell ’em to get a life. – Larry Laser

There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working. – Robert Half