73+ Best Funny Thanksgiving Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Thanksgiving is the act of saying or showing that you are grateful, especially to God. Inspirational funny thanksgiving quotes will inspire growth in life, make you wiser and broaden your perspective.

If you’re searching for funniest quotes and greatest funny friendship quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of popular funny christmas quotes, top funny work quotes and uplifting sarcastic quotes.

Famous Thanksgiving Quotes

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us? – Jim Gaffigan

If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself. – Mitch Hedberg

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. Benjamin Franklin

funny thanksgiving quotes

Now, therefore, I do recommend and assign Thursday, the 26th day of November next, to be devoted by the people of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being who is the beneficent author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be. – George Washington

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. H.U. Westermayer

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. Albert Einstein

Hem your blessings with thankfulness so they don’t unravel. – Unknown

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception. Victor Kiam

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual. – Henry David Thoreau

I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem. Ashleigh Brilliant

Give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. – Native American Saying

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. Benjaminn Franklin

Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other. – Randy Pausch

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. Norm Papernick

We should certainly count our blessings, but we should also make our blessings count. – Neal A. Maxwell

Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped. – Just Bill

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. – Melody Beattie

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying “that smells good” to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon

How to cut a turkey the Republican way: give 1% of your guests 99% of the meat. – Andy Borowitz

When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. – Willie Nelson

What if, today, we were grateful for everything? – Charlie Brown

Thanksgiving just gets me all warm and tingly and all kinds of wonderful inside. – Willard Scott

Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough. – Oprah Winfrey

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough. – Meister Eckhart

Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity: It must be produced and discharged and used up in order to exist at all. – William Faulkner

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak. – Phyllis Diller

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status. – Russell Baker

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White

Now is no time to think of what you do not have. Think of what you can do with what there is. – Ernest Hemingway

Give thanks for a little and you will find a lot. – Hansa Proverb

Pie makes everybody happy. – Laurie Halse Anderson

Forever on Thanksgiving Day the heart will find the pathway home. – Wilbur D. Nesbit

If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share. – W. Clement Stone

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our Thanksgiving. – W.T. Purkiser

I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. – Damien Fahey

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often. – Johnny Carson

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. – Phyllis Diller

We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart

If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily. – Gerald Good

Be present in all things and thankful for all things. – Maya Angelou

Thanksgiving Day is a good day to recommit our energies to giving thanks and just giving. – Amy Gran

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. – Erma Bombeck

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat! – David Letterman

Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? – Kenny Rogerson

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. – Jay Leno

I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. – Jon Stewart

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before. – Rita Rudner

I like football. I find it an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversations with your family on Thanksgiving. – Craig Ferguson

On this Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys. – Anonymous

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus. – Melanie White

A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying that smells good to be helping. – Jimmy Fallon

I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that. – Howie Mandel

Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are? – Kenny Rogerson

I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky. – Melanie White

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. – Erma Bombeck

Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I’m not a butterball turkey. – Just Bill

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. – Stephen Colbert

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving, there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave. – Dylan Brody

We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing. – George Carlin

I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family. – Damien Fahey

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants. – Kevin James

What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving. – Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home. – Melanie White

An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. – Irv Kupcinet

The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts… nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. – H. W. Westermayer

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen. – Kin Hubbard

On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.

William Jennings Bryan

I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants. – Kevin James

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave. – Dylan Brody

I dropped the turkey after rubbing olive oil all over it. I rinsed it off, rubbed the oil on again, and cooked it. Didn’t tell anybody for 10 years… I just told them last year. Oh well, it didn’t kill anybody or make them sick! – Debbie K. Jefferson

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