Having a Real Love

I keep seeing these articles about having “almost love”. An “almost relationship”. Something that either wasn’t felt by both people in the relationship or a relationship that wasn’t allowed to develop fully in some way. That’s what I gather from these phrases. I didn’t have an “almost love or relationship” I had the full package. Full blown, whirlwind, real love. We went half way across the world together and thrived in Bali and survived the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, went on trips around England and one to his homeland of Northern Irelend. We did dinners, breakfasts, cinema, drinks, played ping pong, played pool, swam in the sea, swam in the most beautiful pools, stayed in many, many hotels. Walked, talked, saw comedy shows. I bought him a ticket to Bill Bailey, one of my favourite comedians and someone who’s work has gotten me though some times when I’ve uncomfortable and anxious at home for one reason or another.

This guy I was with meant a lot to me, he came into my world swept me off my feet and asked me to move in with him late last year. I wasn’t sure it was quite the right time but we both wanted to live independently and we were in love so we gave it a try. We actually got on very well living together overall, cooking for each other, binge watching tv series, him teaching me guitar, the snuggles and naps and sexy times of course. Towards the end I started to feel irritated by us no longer going out for dates (even very cheap ones) and his lack of pulling his weight in the flat with cleaning and also other things (I’ll omit these to save his modesty) and I started to feel like he was becoming very complacent and at times I felt like I was a bit of a doormat. I don’t think he did this on purpose but I think he was so caught up in himself and his needs that he didn’t notice the times he left mountains of washing up for me from me cooking us dinner the night before.

After all that I felt a bit ambivalent about our relationship, I knew I did not want to break up as I still loved him very much but I thought that perhaps it wasn’t the right time to live together. He’s a younger man who’s never lived away from his parents and had to look after himself entirely before and I thought that he’s needs to live on his own, on his own terms before he can live with a woman. It makes sense that some people need to do this and can’t just jump in the deeper end and float well (if he reads this he might get this in joke).

But then he broke up with me. I’m not going to go into the details to much but his reasons don’t really make sense, a big one being familial grief he’s getting for being with me as an older woman with previous mental health issues. Reasons that don’t really matter in the big scheme of things. Reasons that lack depth and real thought.

So here I am, I still love him and he still loves me and me still have such strong chemistry but he’s convinced himself he can’t be with me. We’re both living back at our homes now, sorting out the bills for our flat and me stuck with all of the loose ends.

That’s life sometimes I guess. Complicated, messy and a lot of the time it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. We had the realest kind of love, a first love full of fireworks but it’s been thrown away like crumpled paper.  In my ex-boyfriend’s often used words “oh well”. In my words, how very upsetting and frustrating. That’s my life right now but I’m working on achieving some of my dreams, travelling, my ambitious creative career and living independently again. Working on it for me and I’m already seeing small successes and more satisfaction in what I choose to do. It’s all for me now.

11 thoughts on “Having a Real Love”

  1. that’s a sad story. But at least you have tried and experienced so many wonderful things together in real life. these are the memories you count and stay. Of course, living together is always a compromise. It does not necessarily have to constrict and bring bad feelings. Both have to get involved in a new life in which they do not bring their past knitting patterns. That does not mean that you restrict your free space. One can also enjoy this everyday “being together” after the first infatuation is over. I think you have to get to know each other well before you live together. I wish you all the best for your travelling and creative work!

    • I think it’s a case of him having very unrealistic expectations and yeah, we moved in sooner than we should have. You live and learn. Thanks for your good wishes.

      • hmm,I can not understand how the expectations can be unrealistic. Normally you fall in love und you are just happy to stay together…..you do not have any expectations. You learn each other better known and so you learn already in which direction your togetherness will be. All this is normally a slow development so that it grows with you.

        • There are always expectations whether realistic or unrealistic! How you think it will be. Doesn’t mean you don’t love each other it’s just how people work. Sometimes people have expectations which are unrealistic, they’ve seen too many movies about love or they expect it to be exactly like other relationships they’ve known or in the case of my ex they literally don’t understand other people sometimes and find it difficult to relate. Relationships develop at they’re own speed, we just rushed a step and due to reasons with him outside of my control things didn’t work out. That’s life sometimes. Thanks for your comment.

          • Oh yes, that’s a pity if it was not under your control…I´m sorry for this! All people work differently and I have already seen a lot of problematic relationships with friends of mine. But there was always the problem that their thoughts were too complicated and negative about everything. And definitely NO. There are not always expectations. Every person is different and I always expect only something which refers to a person. I did not have a lot of relationships but they all lasted long time and were completely different too, of course, I have changed in the meantime, with the relationships. Well and expectations from films? this is ridicolous .. this is why I never watched soaps because it’s too dangerous to get into this drive…; ) …

          • Thanks for your comments anie. Well, some people are ridiculous, this is true and your expectations may not have been negatives but they were still expectations, it’s a normal thing. I’m glad you enjoy reading my blogs, I speak only from my experiences. Take care

          • Hm I did not mean that people are ridiculous, because if they have their expectations it´s because of their feelings. And feelings are never ridiculous. I meant more the expectations, because they are formed of experiences of the past but also norms of the society ( perfect shown in soaps on TV). So I find it ridiculous for example to expect to get flowers from your partner on birthday…I never ever got flowers from a partner, because they knew that I do not care about such things that should be made like this or that…..and it is o.k. never to get flowers if I get a honest smile instead it is more worth….but experiences are also very different. I think it is wrong to bring certain expectations into a relationship. Such as what a “normal” week together looks like. How often you see each other, how much you do together. Such a thing depends extremely on the habits of both of them, which of course you can not ignore. But basic expectations are certainly available to everyone. Something like honesty, that you try to improve situations together, that the other person is happy when he sees you, etc.

  2. Though things didn’t turn out the way you wished them to. I still love your sense of optimism. Sometimes we have to hold onto to just that to continue on. I know things will work out for you.

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