58+ Best Jeremy Clarkson Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson is an English broadcaster, journalist and writer who specialises in motoring. He is best known for the motoring programmes Top Gear and The Grand Tour alongside Richard Hammond and James May. Profoundly inspirational Jeremy Clarkson quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

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Famous Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

That’s Not Really A Racing Car, That’s Just Pornography.

In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day.

I’ve been told by the BBC that if I make one more offensive remark, anywhere, at any time, I will be sacked. And even the angel Gabriel would struggle to survive with that hanging over his head. It’s inevitable that one day, someone, somewhere will say that I’ve offended them, and that will be that.

I don’t think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I’m not.

Britain’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe … probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access.

If we are being honest, HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10 days in 10 years.

Some Say He Lives In A Tree, And That His Sweat Can Be Used To Clean Precious Metals. All We Know Is… He’s Called The Stig

Argentina and Burma. I have been to most of the countries in the world, but not those two. I want to shoot doves in Argentina. Burma, of course, because no one has really been there.

I think people who watch ‘Top Gear’ think they’re the only ones watching it, which I quite like, because it can hopefully last for a long time.

When I was 16, I wanted to look like Lord Byron. It’s not really a haircut so much as a hair-not-cut, but I’ve never changed it. It’s a bit Byron, a bit Don Juan DeMarco and other things that I aspire to be.

Koenigsegg Are Saying That The CCX Is More Comfortable. More Comfortable Than What… Being Stabbed?

If you’re thinking of coming to America, this is what it’s like: you’ve got your Comfort Inn, you’ve got your Best Western, and you’ve got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody’s very fat, everybody’s very stupid and everybody’s very rude – it’s not a holiday programme, it’s the truth.

If you’re writing, it means getting up and writing all day, and if you’re filming, it’s getting up and filming all day. I get up, go to my computer, write, turn it off, and go to bed. That is a Clarkson day.

The only reason the Arabs and Jews have managed to keep their nasty little war going for 50 years is because it never bloody rains there. If the post-war powers had put Israel in Manchester, there’d have been no bloodshed.

On a family car: Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.

I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do? end quote start quote We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an EM Forster novel.

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.

It has the zip of a chairlift. The only thing this car will make you feel like is a cup of Horlicks with a splash of hemlock. Empty-nesters should buy a PlayStation instead, and spend the afternoon shooting crack whores.

This is the most unreliable car ever made. In fact, if you’ve got a more unreliable one, write to us at: Actually I’ve Got a Peugeot, BBC Top Gear, London…

And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here’s your car.

Cool is just another way of saying ‘not very popular’. The Guardian is cool. Desks made out of zinc are cool. Rolf Harris, on the other hand, is warm.

Ambition is a very dangerous thing because either you achieve it and your life ends prematurely, or you don’t, in which case your life is a constant source of disappointment. You must never have ambition.

In typical French fashion, it just gives up! A bit like the French did with the Germans.

If all the creatures on earth were the same size, it’s said a lobster would have the smallest brain. But then someone invented Wayne Rooney.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive around in a Terminator, not the heroine in an E. M. Forster novel.

Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170 hp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling… penguins … while making love … to a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage … in front of the Queen. It’s all going to go wrong.

I’ve seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this.

I like to be loved by my children, and I quite like the ‘Guardian’ hating me. I like it when I read they want me to die painfully. Then I think I’ve really got under their skin. It’s like annoying a teacher. Once they’ve shown signs of weakness, you really can go for them.

Column writing is like gas – it fills the available space.

You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.

On the Ferrari Enzo: Ferrari is so pleased with it, they’ve named it after the founder of the company. They call it the Enzo. That’d be the same as Lotus calling their next car… the Colin.

Sure, it’s quiet for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved for a murderer.

I dish the dirt out, and I can take it. But why should my mother and children have to take it? In 20 years, I have taken any number of stories, most of which are not true, without a murmur of complaint. But some stories you have to draw the line and say No.

The problem is that television executives have got it into their heads that if one presenter on a show is a blonde-haired, blue-eyed heterosexual boy, the other must be a black Muslim lesbian.

Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half-hour close-up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertible was Adolf Hitler.

I’m not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I’m not physically capable.

I have a pathological terror of falling through ice. I nearly drowned once. I fell off a boat and got a cramp, and was rescued by an oil-rig diver, a great bear of a man who simply leant into the water and scooped me out with one finger.

I don’t often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it’s an animal’s duty to be on my plate at suppertime.

Now we get quite a few complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we’re kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Hold On, That’s The Sound Of A Turbo Charged Flat Four Engine… A Sound Which All Over The World Heralds The Arrival Of A Moron

This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.’

This car is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory.

I have had an amazingly fortunate life. I’m a child from Yorkshire, which is sort of like Cleveland without the pretty bits.

On a car he didn’t like very much: There are many things I’d rather be doing than driving it. Including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean.

I read in the papers how much I’m earning and fall about laughing because I’m sure it’s not that much; otherwise, I’d have an enormous boat. I’m literally not the slightest bit interested in money. I just don’t pay any attention to money; it’s rather vulgar.

It really is about as useful, as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm

There’s a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there…and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

They’re made in America, of course, so fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Top Gear Is Watched By Million People In Britain Every Week. The Others Find Something Better To Do Like Staring Out Of The Window Or Having A Stroke. These Are Peugeot’s Customers.

We Get Quite A Lot Of Complaints That We Don’t Feature Enough Affordable Cars On The Show… So We’ll Kick Off Tonight With The Cheapest Ferrari Of Them All!

And If You Are Clinically Insane, By Which I Mean You Wake Up In The Morning And Think You Are An Onion, Here’s Your Car.

You take out an injunction against somebody or some organisation and immediately news of that injunction and the people involved and the story behind the injunction is in a legal-free world on Twitter and the Internet. It’s pointless.

It was rubbish when it was new, it was built by idiots, and it’s rubbish now.

I do apologise, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars.

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