50+ Best John Witherspoon Quotes: Exclusive Selection

John Weatherspoon, better known as John Witherspoon, was an American actor and comedian who performed in various television shows and films. Profoundly inspirational John Witherspoon quotes will fire up your brain and encourage you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funny quotes from the most popular comedians that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of profound Karl Pilkington quotes, top Larry David quotes and powerful Richard Pryor quotes.

Famous John Witherspoon Quotes

I am cantankerous.

I can’t help it! I look better than you do!

Don’t let nobody ever take your spirit away from you! It’s Christmas! Supposed to be happy!

The kids of America, please get a damn job. Get out of the house, leave the refrigerator alone. Stop wearing my shoes. Leave my shirts alone, get a job. Spend your own money.

Don’t nobody go in the bathroom for about 35, 45 minutes. Somebody open a window.

Why you boys beating up on Santa Claus? What he did to you?

How the hell you go get fired on your day off?

I’m every father. I’m not only a black father. I’m a white father. I’m a Chinese father. I’m a Mexican father. I’m all fathers that want their sons out of the house and stop eating up all the food. Get a job, please. Stop looking at the TV.

I wish you was sleeping right now, I knock you upside your head with a left hook make your *s wake up and take out that damn trash.

C’mon, put up your dukes.

Give me a twister. Make it two. Hold the flies.

You ain’t gonna drop no stinky loads here. Anybody drop stinky loads, it’s gonna be me.

I am old-school.

Well, I’ll tell you one thing: round here, you go to work, you go to school. First of the month, the rent is due.

Inspirational John Witherspoon Quotes

Give me the two-piece special. Lots of hot sauce and all the fries you can give me. Thank you, thank you.

I always tell comics you got to hang with your stand-up.

This is what makes you a man. When I was growin’ up, this was all the protection we needed. You win some, you lose some, but you live. You live to fight another day. And you think you’re a man with that gun in your hand, don’t you?

You ain’t no player. Read my lips: you ain’t no player!

Now you see, son. You gotta let us know when you leave the house. What if you got killed tonight? We’d have to bury you. You know how much a funeral costs these days?

When you’re hungry, everything tastes good.

I didn’t change my voice for ‘The Boondocks.’

If something is too risque, don’t watch it.

Versace? You can’t even spell Versace.

I was proud of you tonight. You used your brain. That’s what I want you to do, use your brain. That’s my boy. That’s my boy.

In ‘Boomerang,’ they didn’t have a script at all, they just told me to come up with some stuff.

You drink up the milk, don’t care what kind of milk it is. You don’t care, 2 percent, 3 percent, buttermilk. Patent milk, pull the cow on a patent milk can, I bet you eat that too.

Who’s in the bathroom? That eggnog about to kick back up on me. You know I got them bad guts.

When you’re poor, an egg sandwich is dinner and you cut your potatoes with a butter knife.

NOW you’re a man. Your uncle picked up a gun too. He had to find out the hard way. 22 years old. YOU got a choice. This is all you need. All right?

Think of this, last year at this time, you had won the Lotto, over a million dollars. Anybody else would be living in the French Riviera. You’re back at cooking pigs’ feet here with me at Bros. B-B-B-Bar-B-Q.

Hehe. Macaroni.

Hey, young man. You got knocked the out.

I smelled your sh*t for 22 years, now you can smell mine for five minutes.

You best go check on the sauce. Mama’s out on her feet again.

Eat it on the 4th of July, by the 18th, everybody in the whole neighborhood trying to get to the bathrooms.

Amazing John Witherspoon Quotes

Will you be quiet, Tarzan?

I’m sick of all these boring cooking shows.

My father was a preacher so I wouldn’t sing at all when he was around, but as soon as he locked the door, ‘La la la.’

The word got out that I can ad-lib very well.

I bet y’all drinking that wine. Smoking them tweeds and everything.

This is my boy. I’m the only one who can yell at him. Where the hell you been?

Ooh, I can’t wait to see your mama naked. That big old booty bouncing around. Boom, boom, boom.

St. Louis is an excellent city.

If I hit the lotto, I would be nowhere near the road. But I got bills to pay.

When we did ‘Boomerang,’ which is one of my favorite scenes, the whole dinner scene was ad-libbed.

Being on the toilet stool is the grossest thing there is, to me.

Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the refrigerator. Eatin’ up all the food. All the chitlins… All the pigs’ feet… All the collard greens… All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins… I like pigs’ feet.

I hope the bathroom is clean. If it ain’t, I don’t give a damn.