Today I felt alone, I felt like a loner. I never felt that way in my life. I always loved talking to people and being the center of attention. I was either the first person with the newest phone or shoes or just new anything so that I could master it and now what is it that I am really talking about in life. Today didn’t feel like that at all. I felt really lost. I am starting to love school and I love people, but I am not allowing people to love me back.
I would write four pages on how I feel, then tell myself it isn’t good, but get such a different reaction from people. I did the same thing with school until this guy came along. I see myself in this guy; he is well spoken and very passionate with everything he does. He has a sense of pride but a good kind of pride. He has every right in the world to talk about his accomplishments because he lived them and did them. We shared something else in common. He loves radiography because it gave him a normal life again which it kinda gave me back also. The only difference between me and him is that he is a lot smarter than me because he has more years in on this field, but one day I’ll be just as smart as him.
Sometimes, I hate school, and the people that I am around. I have never been a loner, but cancer has allowed me to feel its grief again. It makes me want to kinda be sick again, as scary as that sounds, so that I can get the superficial love that comes with it. Do you understand how disgusting it looks for a grown man to pour out his heart & get a look from his mother telling him to man up. My response was that if you are even one ounce of a FUCKEN person you will understand me. I then ran to my dad and made him look me in the face but he quickly closed his eyes like he has seen a ghost of me. My mother is the type of person who doesn’t believe stuff she doesn’t want to believe. She chooses to believe what she wants- for example, she never thought I had cancer; she thought it was some form of disease that looked like cancer which I was getting treated for. My mom has seen a lot of ugly in her life and she doesn’t want to see anymore, so I can understand why she acts the way she acts. My father on the other hand is more like me. He got to the point of life where he is just scared of the legacy he is going to leave behind. I remember a time when I was twelve years old – I wrote a letter to my dad because one day he didn’t make it home from work. He got caught up with some stuff at work. I was writing the exact words I am writing today: Dad, I love you so much and I can’t wait for the day to take all of this responsibility off your hands. My dad is starting to come around. He’s starting to understand that I am really happy in life & that I am no longer looking for my next dollar but rather aiming to do better for myself in school.
My fiance is a whole different world; she is my escape, she is my angel, she is the light to my dark days… I can go on, on how much she means to me, but today we fought. We fought because we both burnt out throughout the day. I had a really shitty day with school, and she had a really shitty day from not sleeping the night before to coming to pick me up from school after she just took train to come get me – all without gettting a second for herself to breathe. I forgot about that- I wasn’t entitled to her time… who am I… nothing special. When we got back home, she told me “hey Moe I’m going to Starbucks, do you want anything?” I said yes green tea. 45 mins later I get a text saying “Sorry, I got a refund b/c they don’t have green tea.” I lashed out on how much time it took not knowing the reason… Pause here for a minute (I’m feeling a feeling that I really don’t like- it feels like I hurt this girl that I just said all these good things about. I’m remembering she is a daughter, a sister, a person- that smiles and cries like me. Why hurt her? The actions I’m about explain will show you how I deal with pain). So, when I exploded, I said things that got out of proportion. Hours later, she went home and I texted her a picture of a father holding his son in his hand with a caption saying “Our angel has gained his wings.” I texted her a picuture of myself expressing how I don’t want this to be me. And asked her if she understood. She quickly dropped her guard and her attitude and said she understood. We didn’t text for a while, but her next message was this:
“i know you don’t need a fixer but i just wanna get this off my chest. cause it’s been bothering me since the first day u said it. when u said u feel like a loner it really tears my heart to shreds.. anyone who ignores you and doesn’t see you for the person you are is a fool.. they’re in their stupid cliques and bullshit bc they r small-minded.. it sucks to feel that way but its great at the same time knowing how much better you are and how much greater of a story you have to tell that anyone would be honored to listen to. if they choose not to, it’s 100% their loss and don’t ever feel like it’s the other way around. i mean it from the bottom of my heart. i want you to have the best possible experience at school, but even if that’s not possible i never want you to reflect their behaviors on yourself and ask yourself why are they ignoring me or why are they being rude? the answer to that question is that they don’t see your greatness, and whoever doesn’t is a fool.”
Soon after, I texted a couple of people in the class that I really like and shared with them a story. At first, I was thinking OMG what did I just do… but everyone’s reaction was like wow thank you for making us understand you.