Shopping kills dark clouds.

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So.. Bad week for me the last 7 or 8 days. Kids acting up, I’m sooo sleepy, depressed and just overall miserable. My dark cloud was definitely moving in and setting up house but then yesterday I got one of my online orders delivered to my desk and it instantly perked me up!! I can’t explain it really, I was literally suicidal a few days ago. Not really living my life just biding my time. These days come and go whenever they please like a really annoying uninvited family member who doesn’t care about your personal space. No where in sight and the next day in your face. I was so down the last few days, really miserable and I wanted to sleep all the time, just take a day off and sleep all day and then cry and then sleep some more and then cry again. But when that package arrived for me I went from sitting at my desk sulking with sadness in my heart and falling asleep to suddenly planning my weekend and being excited about doing things. Just the day before I was fantasizing about telling everyone I know that I was not home for the weekend, and then actually staying home to hibernate and sleep. Totally locking myself away from people and conversation and life.

It’s my knight in slightly dented armors birthday this weekend and I felt guilty because all I wanted to do was stay at his house all weekend in Pjs watching movies,  and not doing much talking at all. And now I’m like lets go out, lets do shit. And the ONLY thing that happened was I received that package that I ordered online. It doesn’t matter what I ordered, it is something new and it gave me a high. Like a drug high. MIND BLOWN! So this morning I went online and bought something else, something small for my son and daughter but it doesn’t matter, even if its not for me the high is still there. I don’t even need to walk around the shops like some other shopaholics. The item doesn’t need to be for me or even particularly exciting for that matter. A couple of weeks ago I bought a new mop = HIGH! As long as I get something new. I’m not sure this is healthy behavior but you know what I’m going to give myself a break.

I’ve just had the worst year of my life, well the worst few years actually. It all started to go down hill in 2013. Ex Husband person and I struggled to conceive (thank you Poly Cystic Ovaries for that delightful touch to my already f*cked up life) so when we fell pregnant in 2013 after 3 years of fertility treatment we were over the moon happy. My parents struggled with fertility issues when they married so it kind of runs in the family and when I had Brave Knight they were the happiest grand parents ever! So naturally I was super excited to tell them I was preggers. I’ll never forget the week it all started. We planned to tell my mom and dad the great news at dinner on the Sunday. I made a shirt for brave knight to wear and on the front it said, “GUESS WHAT” and on the back it said, “I’LL BE A BIG BROTHER IN 2014″. Haha he walked around my parents house for over an hour and then I eventually said to them, hey guys read Brave Knights shirt. Haha. Happiness all round, my dad was elated happy. He was convinced it was a girl and for the next few days after that he was singing and humming and soo happy to be a granddad again.  He died on the Wednesday. 3 Days later.

I know.

The dark cloud that had been hovering/lingering every so lightly for the last few years suddenly hit with a storm worthy of a tornado warning. And I couldn’t even take anything for it as I was newly pregnant and full of artificial hormones. I’ve never been so ecstatic elated and so deeply depressed at the SAME TIME! It tore me up inside. In hindsight that’s probably when I should have started seeing a psych. But I didn’t, I was strong wasn’t I? I could handle it? Turns out no I couldn’t. Also turns out my 11 year marriage was only for the better and not for the worst.

My pregnancy with my Little Lady was hard for me to say the least. I went to scans and when I should have been feeling happy and excited, I was sad, DEEPLY SAD. I felt guilty feeling happy when my dad had just died. I won’t lie it f*cked me up inside and only now that I’ve just typed that… do I realize it. WOW. I have not been the same since. After Little Lady was born I started on Anti-Depressants to lift my spirits, now I take them to stay alive.

Of course the next 3 years was hell for me and us and all. Brave knight started having night terrors, and screaming and shouting and bashing walls. He was eventually diagnosed with a mood disorder called Oppositional Defiancy Disorder (ODD), ADHD, genetic depression (lack of serotonin production in the brain) and anxiety just to top it off. Top that with a husband who was drinking more and more to forget/escape who knows. It was hell.

And now we are divorced, I finally after another 2 years of marriage got the courage to say, I’m out. Drop the mic, I’m done.

We were married 11 years.

So after all that I deserve to shop don’t I? I mean if it makes me happy? Normal even. Able to function in society.

I really need to make an appointment to see my psych and tell her about all this, or I could shop…

Maybe shopping can cure me?

Does anyone want to lend me their credit cards please?

I”ll return them when they are full… I promise.