I have had such an outpouring of support and encouragement in my headlong flight towards heart break that I thought I would continue to share my story with you.
Give freely to the world these gifts of love and compassion. Do not concern yourself with how much you receive in return, just know in your heart it will be returned. -Steve Maraboli
How do you convince someone, especially a person you fancy, that you are a rare and special gift?
How do you silently wave your arms about to get their attention to look at you, really look at you, beneath all the layers of scars and broken promises? How do you convince them without a pleading sales pitch that you are a worthy investment?
How do you enjoy the gift of the present, and know that it’s fleeting touch is all that you will receive?
I have had a good time so far. A lot of laughter, memories that I will look back on. His friends who invited me back, and who playfully teased him for not being a better tour guide. The way he blushed when I kissed his ear. The French desserts and bottles of wine, as he held my hand under the table at dinner surrounded by good friends.
The girl in the coffee shop at Berkeley, who listened to my conversation with a high school friend, and declared, “Girl, you are a badass!”. Who like most women, dream of these kind of stories, where the long forgotten girl finally finds the goofy guy who can’t help but fall in love with her. Who gave me encouragement and told me of her own story, of moving to San Francisco for love. We are so hopeful for others, when we have found that happiness. It is hard for us to see anything, but a happy ending.
And yet, I am with someone, who I am terrified to talk to you. To ask, and know that rejection will quickly follow, when he reminds me that this is just a “fling” and that he was clear long distance is not something he does.
All I wanted last night was to be held. To be touched. To be wanted. To feel for a moment like a cherished object.
Why walk in my life, if the barrier of physical geography is the reason why he will never try?
We get along well. The chemistry is there.
Tonight, we will have dinner with my dear friends, married for thirteen years and with two kids, who made it work long distance (both transcontinental and at one point international) through their courtship and marriage. I am hoping they will be my barometer, the impartial jury I need, to help me better decide how to proceed.
And yet the minute I stepped off the plane I knew the hourglass of time would begin, that the sands are trickling by fast, and I only have a short period of time, to hope that this beautiful (yet flawed) man, wakes up and looks at me.
Oh dear readers, what am I doing?
Why does it always have to be so complicated? Why must I have to fight every battle when it comes to finding a person who has the courage and the fortitude to win my heart (and keep it)? Why do I give so much to people, who in the end, are unwilling to give anything to me?
I really do believe in love. I would go to the ends of the earth for the people I love.
But for me, I always seem to come up short. To always be left wondering why…always why…I never seem to be quite good enough. Like the chipped plate in the antique store which is admired for its beauty, but never purchased. Whose value is overlooked because we want perfection and forget that life is a beautiful mess. And those who proudly walk with the scars barred for all to see, have survived some of the biggest tempests.
We have lost our ability to see the fragile beauty in vulnerability and authenticity. How rare a gift that is today with so many people focused on the next best thing.
I have four more days.
And that is all.