You’re an the open wound I want to keep open, I’m not allowing a skin to heal over it. It’s like I need to keep it open, it hurts like hell to leave it alone, more so than letting the scab grow over it.
I know you say that we broke up at Christmas but the truth is, we’ve still been seeing each other, having sweet, funny, tender and passionate times together. This week we got drunk and held hands and kissed and gazed and whispered sweet words. We went back to my flat and cuddled and ate pizza and drank cider and napped gently in each others arms, legs tangled together. I know you won’t say it for fear of repercussions, that you’ve had enough of the pressure from your family and having to defend me from their unjust and harshly judgemental words. I know you won’t say it but we’re still together, still seeing each other, loving each other and not willing to give each other up.
My friends may tell me I’m being silly, I’m not doing myself any favours, I’m letting him have his cake and eat it, but the truth is, I’m eating too, this decadent, rich cake that we’re both letting ourselves indulge in. Damn, I am I enjoying it, I love these meet ups we have, the blood in my vains rush with excitement when I’m with him and I think about him so much still.
You see the feelings between us are too strong, I have a lot of willpower but not when it comes to him. He can’t resist me and I can’t resist him.
My counsellor made an interesting suggestion. She said why don’t I just carry on seeing him? Why don’t we carry on with this light hearted, fun relationship? Where’s the harm if I’m enjoying it? She told me of a book where a wife didn’t accept that they were over when her husband wanted to breaku. So, she told him that he would have to give the relationship 6 months and see how he feels. After the 6 months they both wanted to stay together, they both had that love and passion to keep it going. I guess in a way we’re both not accepting it’s over although I’ve always been the more forceful one in our relationship, he’s more than happy to go with his desires and meet me.
So I guess that’s where I am, seeing someone who’s actions speak a lot louder than words. Together, but to the outside world we’re not. Yes, it’s risky but I guess whilst I’m feeling that rush and that happiness when I see him, why not? Honestly, I’m not looking to settle down right now so do you know what? Sensible or not I’m going to go with the flow.