The Rush

You’re an the open wound I want to keep open, I’m not allowing a skin to heal over it. It’s like I need to keep it open, it hurts like hell to leave it alone, more so than letting the scab grow over it.

I know you say that we broke up at Christmas but the truth is, we’ve still been seeing each other, having sweet, funny, tender and passionate times together. This week we got drunk and held hands and kissed and gazed and whispered sweet words. We went back to my flat and cuddled and ate pizza and drank cider and napped gently in each others arms, legs tangled together. I know you won’t say it for fear of repercussions, that you’ve had enough of the pressure from your family and having to defend me from their unjust and harshly judgemental words. I know you won’t say it but we’re still together, still seeing each other, loving each other and not willing to give each other up.

My friends may tell me I’m being silly, I’m not doing myself any favours, I’m letting him have his cake and eat it, but the truth is, I’m eating too, this decadent, rich cake that we’re both letting ourselves indulge in. Damn, I am I enjoying it, I love these meet ups we have, the blood in my vains rush with excitement when I’m with him and I think about him so much still.

You see the feelings between us are too strong, I have a lot of willpower but not when it comes to him. He can’t resist me and I can’t resist him.

My counsellor made an interesting suggestion. She said why don’t I just carry on seeing him? Why don’t we carry on with this light hearted, fun relationship? Where’s the harm if I’m enjoying it? She told me of a book where a wife didn’t accept that they were over when her husband wanted to breaku. So, she told him that he would have to give the relationship 6 months and see how he feels. After the 6 months they both wanted to stay together, they both had that love and passion to keep it going. I guess in a way we’re both not accepting it’s over although I’ve always been the more forceful one in our relationship, he’s more than happy to go with his desires and meet me.

So I guess that’s where I am, seeing someone who’s actions speak a lot louder than words. Together, but to the outside world we’re not. Yes, it’s risky but I guess whilst I’m feeling that rush and that happiness when I see him, why not? Honestly, I’m not looking to settle down right now so do you know what? Sensible or not I’m going to go with the flow.

8 thoughts on “The Rush”

  1. interessting. But I did not understand if the author is talking to the person who broke up or to a third person?
    Frankly, I can not understand why people part, when the emotions are still strong…something is wrong there. Must be a complicated relationship.

    • It’s more of a monologue than anything, just my thoughts as haphazard as they are. Well, it’s really not that simple with the relationship, you are very right, it is complicated. As alluded to there is an issue with his family big pressure on him which is a massive barrier. You may say if he wants to be with me he’ll go against them but it’s not that easy or simple and quite frankly he is not as strong as me so it’s quite a problem really. He’s a lot younger than me too, he has a lot of doubts and isn’t self assured and there are other issues. So unfortunately we can’t just be together right now. Thanks for your comment.

      • oh, that sounds very reasonable, but also kind of stupid…”we can’t just be together right now” sounds like a very bad excuse…sorry!!! There is a will or not..very simple…you think time will change anything? Families who are against a relationship, insecurity, doubt and too many thoughts of the possibility of failure…this is what I hear in your story. Material for thousands of books, operas and films. You have just forgotten one thing. Love does not work that way. Love wants to win and not to suffer. I wish you luck for a change and for progress no matter in which direction!

        • I feel you have a very idealistic view of love! Love doesn’t trump all and can’t always win. If someone’s entire family is against you along with other big issues then it will cause problems! I think if you live these things then you will understand. Thanks for your input.

          • Oh, I’m sorry if I’ve honestly said my opinion. Yes, I have a very idealistic view of love, because if it does not trump everything, it is not love, but enthusiasm or infatuation. And even infatuation trumps a lot. and believe me, that I’ve already experienced something like this passive and active. Life often surprises us with obstacles, but if love does not count what else should count. What is the most important thing in life?

          • It’s just not that simple, truly, if you haven’t experienced this these familial issues then really you can’t judge? Everyone is different is what I’m saying and having a black and white view on anything is not healthy, I know this as I have done councilling and therapy! All I’m saying is what I have experienced and what others around me have experienced, I speak from my POV no one else’s and I try not to judge other people’s experiences the same as my own. Just my 2 cents. Take care.

          • Also, this discussion between us is closed to me now as clearly we have very different views so I think we’ll have to agree to disagree. Thanks for commenting.

          • yes, that’s fine. Sorry if I have awakened unpleasant feelings. It is difficult for me to explain in english, and I did not want to correct or attack you under any circumstances. It’s just about expressing his own experiences and opinions and I’m glad to have read your story and opinion. Thank you.

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.