I’ve been triggered. My bulimic behaviours are regressing.

This is both good and bad.

Bad, because I’ve fallen deep into the well of binging and purging, and even slipped into self-harm hell.

Good, because the trigger has been the anticipation of me commencing a course I have a really good feeling about.

I sometimes feel the ED is a solid, tangible, physical, separate part of me.

And when I come across another piece of the recovery puzzle – something I believe is actually going to progress me a little further away from illness and propel me closer to wellness – my ED panics. It flexes its’ muscles and says,Ā “Look at me! I’m stronger than you! I’m not leaving!”

My anxiety levels this past week have felt really high. My hands shaky, my heart racy, my thoughts panicky. I have drifted back to wondering when will it all end – how beautiful it would be to not exist. I have no plans, and no plans to make plans. I am safe. I promise. But eating disordered thinking is insidious, and it would rather see me dead than well.

I frequently feel I’ve made no progress with my bulimia recovery. I stay the same, or get worse. But I am starting to wonder if there has been one small, but highly significant, improvement. I can hear the voice of reason. It is not strong. It is not confident. But it is now talking, and ever so gently, challenging the ED voice.

I have been triggered this week, but perhaps this will be the last party for my eating disorder. Perhaps – with a little bit of hope, prayer, and magic pixie dust – the voice of recovery will emerge stronger and more powerful. Perhaps this is the beginning of recovery.

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6 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. I’m glad you are able to hear that little voice, it’s your truth, your piece of gold… write down what it says so you can read it every time the ED voice tries to take over. Give it some more room, a microphone. I understand the strength of the ED and anxiety voices, but remember they are lying to you. Sending you strength <3

    • Thank you ?I don’t think people understand the powerful hold of an ED unless they’ve lived it ? I’ve just had a fantastic three days away with a friend and it has rested my spirit. I’m ready to tackle this course now šŸ™‚

  2. write hard and clear about what hurts.-ernest hemingway
    glad ur writing about what hurts. it could help someone else. i struggle too. there are no easy answers, but at least ur looking, asking, writing about true, authentic turmoil. there’s nothing more noble than sharing IMO.

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