240+ Best Witty Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Witty is using words in a smart and funny way. Inspirational witty quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for amusing quotes and extremely funny Christmas quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny wine quotes, hilarious ironic quotes and funniest baseball quotes.

Most Famous Witty Quotes

Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. – Henry Ford

Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “save trees” on it. – Unknown

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Dreams don’t work unless you do. – John C. Maxwell

If money doesn’t grow on trees why do bank have branches? – Unknown

A grieving woman could sit alone on a jetty in the early morning. But not with a book in her hands. – Pia Juul

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. – William James

witty quotes

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Unknown

A painting is worth a thousand confused art-gallery visitors. – Ljupka Cvetanova

A person is wise if he listens to millions of advice and doesn’t implement any of it. – Michael Bassey Johnson

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. – Oscar Wilde

Common sense is not so common. – Unknown

A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves. – J. Robson Koenig

A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being ‘frank’. – Robert Heinlein

To understand all is to forgive all. – French saying

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. – Unknown

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else. – Len Wein

A true friend overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! – Doug Larson

We tend to get what we expect. – Norman Vincent Peale

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Unknown

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. – Unknown

A witty saying proves nothing. – Voltaire

A word of kindness is seldom spoken in vain, while witty sayings are as easily lost as the pearls slipping from a broken string. – George Dennison Prentice

Never try to have the last word. You might get it. – Robert Heinlein

Work in silence, let your success speak. – Unknown

Never miss a good chance to shut up. – Will Rogers

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. – Unknown

Action will destroy your procrastination. – Og Mandino

All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. – Adlai E. Stevenson

Arguing with a fool proves there are two. – Doris M. Smith

The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend. – Abraham Lincoln

Hard work has a future payoff. – Laziness pays off now. – Unknown

An ounce of action is worth a ton of theory. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – Abraham Lincoln

Arguing with a fool proves there are two. – Doris M.

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs. – Oliver Goldsmith

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. – Unknown

The only way to have a friend is to be one. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer. – Unknown

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Unknown

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – William Shakespeare

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. – Confucius

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. – William Congreve

All is well that ends. – Unknown

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say. – Unknown

Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try. – Claude Mermet

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. – Unknown

Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. – Ralph Charell

Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. – Howard Aikeneval

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely. – Erma Bombeck

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. – Unknown

When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails. – Unknown

Take my advice – I’m not using it. – Unknown

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft

It takes a long time to grow an old friend. – John Leonard

War does not determine who is right – only who is left. – Unknown

Every habit makes our hand more witty, and out wit more handy. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. – Criss Jami

Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof. – John Kenneth Galbraith

Fools learn from experience. Wise men learn from the experience of others. – Otto von Bismarck

If the music’s too loud you’re too old. – Unknown

My best friend is that one who brings out the best in me. – Henry Ford

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. – Rita Mae Brown

I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice. – Unknown

If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm. – Unknown

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr. Seuss

I don’t let go of concepts -I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me. – Byron Katie

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Unknown

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. – Unknown

I don’t miss him; I miss who I thought he was. – Unknown

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. – William James

The reward of a thing done well is to have done it. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Change is good, but dollars are better. – Unknown

We live in an age where pizza gets to your home before police. – Unknown

Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration. – Thomas Alva Edison

He wasn’t aware of it but when he smiled he looked like an amiable bear. When he didn’t smile he didn’t look amiable. – Emma Goldrick

He who wrestles with us, strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper. – Edmund Burke

How you think when you lose determines how long it will be until you win. – Gilbert Keith Chesterton

The smallest changes make the biggest difference. – Unknown

It is astonishing how long it takes to finish something you are not working on. – Unknown

Many people have a good aim in life, but for some reason they never pull the trigger. – Unknown

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. – Unknown

I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow. – Woodrow Wilson

I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail. – Abraham Maslow

I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo. – Suzanne Wrightt

I’ll go anywhere as long as it’s forward. – David Livingstone

If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for. – Amit Kalantri

The one who decides to wipe the tears of the poor must have the money to buy the tissue… – Unknown

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twaineval

If you want to make enemies, try to change something. – Woodrow Wilson

Opportunity isn’t knocking coz you haven’t built the doors yet. – Unknown

You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do. – Henry Ford

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. – Unknown

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative. – Woody Allen

Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals. – Amit Kalantri

It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company. – George Washington

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. – Unknown

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. – Charles Darwin

It is not what you gather but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived. – Helen Walton

It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don’t have to. – Walter Linn

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. – Unknown

Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid. – Kim Hubbard

People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. – Unknown

It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. – Tom Robbins

Only dead fish go with the flow. – Unknown

Life is like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head. – Unknown

Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think. – Unknown

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan

Knowledge is proud she knows so much; wisdom is humble that she knows no more. – William Cowper

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane. – Unknown

Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace. – Robert J. Sawyer

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it. – George Bernard Shaw

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward. – Soren Kierkegaard

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated. – Confucius

Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again. – Unknown

To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often. – Winston Churchill

The world hates change yet it is the only thing that has brought progress. – Charles F. Kettering

The real fault is to have faults and not to amend them. – Confucius

A bad plan is better than no plan. – Unknown

Maturity involves turning an insult into a feedback. – Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. – Benjamin Disraeli

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. – Unknown

Failure teaches success. – Unknown

No-one can make you feel inferior without your permission. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. – William Jameseval

Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I’d know me anywhere. – Terry Pratchett

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. – Unknown

If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it’s OK. But you’ve got to shoot for something. A lot of people don’t even shoot. – Confucius

It is better to play than do nothing. – Confucius

Straight-forwardness, without the rules of propriety, becomes rudeness. – Confucius

Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. – Confucius

When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps. – Confucius

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change. – Confucius

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. – Unknown

One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh. – Robert Heinlein

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley’s very funny, very witty guy, very quick. – Joe Rogan

Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make. – Sarah Ban Breathnach

Pretending to care what men think is an art. It takes moments to learn, but lifetimes to master. I’d like to believe I’m an expert. – Dennis Sharpe

Pride only helps us to be generous; it never makes us so, any more than vanity makes us witty. – George Eliot

The greatest risk is to risk nothing at all. – Unknown

Rhetoric abounds in the cemeteries of reason. – Miguel Queah

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker. – Holly Hood

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. – Robert Brault

Every man is the architect of his own fortune. – Unknown

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. – Wernher von Braun

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. – Richard P. Feynman

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make a mistake. – Elbert Hubbard

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. – Unknown

The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding. – Unknown

Don’t worry about people stealing an idea. If it’s original, you will have to ram it down their throats. – Howard Aiken

You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. – Wayne Dyer

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. – Unknown

I don’t have a bad handwriting. I have my own font. – Unknown

The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about. – Wayne Dyer

The important thing to remember is not to forget. – Benny Bellamacina

The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else. – George Bernard Shaw

The man who does not read books has no advantage over the man that can not read them. – Mark Twain

The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it’s the same problem you had last year. – John Foster Dulles

Magnify you Skills…or else modify your Goals. – Unknown

I am not fat, I am just easier to see. – Unknown

The problem human beings face is not that we aim too high and fail, but that we aim too low and succeed. – Michelangelo

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much. – Josh Lanyon

I am not arguing. I am simply explaining why I’m right. – Unknown

Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that. – Michael Leunig

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. – Unknown

Want to know something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s really worth fighting for – risking everything for. And the trouble is – if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. – Erica Jong

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. – Bertrand Russell

There is an element of seduction in shoes that doesn’t exist for men. A woman can be sexy, charming, witty or shy with her shoes. – Christian Louboutin

There is never a better measure of what a person is than what he does when he’s absolutely free to choose. – William M. Bulger

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done. – Peter Drucker

They sit there in committees day after day, And they each put in a color and it comes out gray. And we all have heard the saying, which is true as well as witty, That a camel is a horse that was designed by a committee. – Allan Sherman

A leader leads by example, whether he intends to or not. – Unknown

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. – Plato

To handle yourself, you your head; To handle others, use your heart. – Unknown

To be able to ask a question clearly is two-thirds of the way to getting it answered. – John Ruskin

To die is poignantly bitter, but the idea of having to die without having lived is unbearable. – Erich Fromm

We all have times when we think more effectively, and times when we should not be thinking at all. – Daniel Cohen

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. – Anais Nin

Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear. – Suzanne Collins

What gets measured gets managed. – Peter Drucker

The one who loves least controls the relationship. – Unknown

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try. – Unknown

Life is not one thing after another. It’s the same damn thing over and over! – Unknown

When I die cremate me so I can finally fit into something small. – Xondra Day

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels. – Candace C. Bowen

You know, you’re rather amusingly wrong. – Terry Pratchett

You will never find time for anything. You must make it. – Charles Buxton

Men are the sport of circumstances when it seems circumstances are the sport of men. – Lord Byron

She has all of the virtues I despise, and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave. – Mahatma Gandhi

Once you have learned to love, you will have learned to live. – Unknown

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. – Mahatma Gandhi

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late – Benjamin Franklin

Wise men are not always silent, but they know when to be. – Unknown

When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. And that’s my religion. – Abraham Lincoln

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person. He believed in me. – Jim Valvano (basketball coach)

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will avoid one hundred days of sorrow. – Chinese proverb

Don’t make someone a priority who only makes you an option. – Unknown

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

We can’t always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you did not do than by the ones you did. – Mark Twain

People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. There is much chaos in this world because things are being loved and people are being used. – Unknown

Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. – Katherine Whitehorn

The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. – William James

All mankind is divided into three groups: those who are immovable; those who are movable; and those who move. – Benjamin Franklin

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. – Mark Twain

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. – Mark Twain

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. – George Bernard Shaw

I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow. – Woodrow Wilson

The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green earth, dwelling deeply in the present moment and feeling truly alive. – Thich Nhat Hanh

This too shall pass. – Persian proverb

Whoever best describes a problem is the one most likely to solve it. – Dan Roam

A successful business is either loved or needed. – Ted Leonsis

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results. – Winston Churchill

Improve by 1% a day, and in just 70 days, you’re twice as good. – Alan Weiss

Whenever an individual or business decides that success has been attained, progress stops. – Thomas J. Watson

How do I know what I think until I hear what I say? – E. M. Forster

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. – Cyril Parkinson

It ain’t what you know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. – Mark Twain

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. – The Serenity Prayer

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln

We find comfort among those who agree with us, and growth among those who don’t. – Frank A. Clark

That which can be destroyed by the truth should be. – P. C. Hodgell

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things. – Peter Drucker

Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his thumb on the scales. – Byron J. Langenfeld

A life lived in fear is a life half-lived. – Spanish proverb

Time is a great healer, but a poor beautician. – Lucille S. Harper

Human beings aren’t rational animals; we’re rationalizing animals who want to appear reasonable to ourselves. – Eliot Aronson ?

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. – Naguib Mahfouz

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. – Judith Martin

The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas. – Linus Pauling

No problem can withstand the assault of sustained thinking. – Voltaire

Only he who attempts the absurd is capable of achieving the impossible. – Miguel Unamuno

Take care that no one hates you justly. – Publiius Syrus

Belief gets in the way of learning. – Robert Heinlein

When one teaches, two learn. – Robert Heinlein

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