Witty is using words in a smart and funny way. Inspirational witty quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.
If you’re searching for amusing quotes and extremely funny Christmas quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny wine quotes, hilarious ironic quotes and funniest baseball quotes.
Famous Witty Quotes
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg
Dreams don’t work unless you do. John C. Maxwell
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. President Merkin Muffley Peter Sellers Dr. Strangelove
Arguing with a fool proves there are two. Doris M. Smith
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose Betty White The Golden Girls
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. William Shakespeare
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman
Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no fibs. Oliver Goldsmith
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
To improve is to change. To be perfect is to change often. Winston Churchill
Bob: Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately. Peter: I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob. Bob Paul Wilson and Peter Ron Livingston Office Space
The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. William James
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain
I not only use all the brains I have, but all that I can borrow. Woodrow Wilson
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are Will Ferrell
A painting is worth a thousand confused art gallery visitors. Ljupka Cvetanova
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves. J. Robson Koenig
Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you but I’m not going to. Phil Connors Bill Murray Groundhog Day
All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. Adlai E. Stevenson
When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
Every habit makes our hand more witty, and outwit more handy. Friedrich Nietzsche
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
I don’t let go of concepts I meet them with understanding. Then they let go of me. Byron Katie
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. Ellen DeGeneres
The first principle is that you must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool. Richard P. Feyman
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.
Friends are like melons; shall I tell you why? To find a good one, you must one hundred try. Claude Mermet
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Jerry Jerry Seinfeld Seinfeld
Do your own thinking independently. Be the chess player, not the chess piece. Ralph Charell
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Michael Scott Steve Carrel The Office
A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else. Len Wein
I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. Criss Jami
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson
Conquered people tend to be witty
There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. Surgeon Graham Chapman Monty Python’s Flying Circus
A witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: How to Build a Boat. Steven Wright
I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?
Ted Striker: Surely you can’t be serious. Dr. Rumack: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley Ted Striker Robert Hays and Dr. Rumack Leslie Nielsen Airplane!
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling,Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. Henry Ford
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. Lt. Frank Drebin Leslie Nielsen Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
It takes a long time to grow an old friend. John Leonard
My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. Bobby Boucher Adam Sandler The Waterboy
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Tom Robbins
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. Jimmy Kimmel
Never try to have the last word. You might get it. Robert Heinlein
Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. Pete Paul Rudd Knocked Up
One man’s theology is another man’s belly laugh. Robert Heinlein
Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies congregate around my rotting bananas. Lessons from the Minivan
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. Mark Twain
I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. Sheldon Cooper Jim Parsons The Big Bang Theory
It is far better to be alone than to be in bad company. George Washington
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. Elise Goldie Hawn The First Wives Club
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all. Oscar Wilde
Usher: Bride or groom? Wedding guest: It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither! Four Weddings and a Funeral
Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace. Robert J. Sawyer
Stan Fields: Describe your perfect date. Cheryl: That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket. Stan Fields William Shatner and Cheryl Frasier Heather Burns Miss Congeniality
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan
I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.
Lucy: There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show. Fred: Your feet? Lucy Lucille Ball and Fred Mertz William Frawley I Love Lucy
Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die
Coach: How’s a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in. Coach Nicholas Colasanto and Norm George Wendt Cheers
It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised. Clark Griswold Chevy Chase National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Dowager Countess Violet Crawley Maggie Smith Downton Abbey
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer. Ace Ventura Jim Carrey Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
I haven’t failed at anything, I’ve just found all the wrong ways of doing it.
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. Claire Belcher Olivia Dukakis Steel Magnolias
Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Chandler Matthew Perry Friends
Weekend, please don’t leave me.
Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands. Larry Larry David Curb Your Enthusiasm
Don’t take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive.
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Sir Norman Wisdom
Where you movin’? I said better things. Drake
That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good. Midge Maisel Rachel Brosnahan The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Adam Gropman
