Sarcasm is a wry form of humor and these quotes can express what you really feel on the inside. If you are a sarcasm lover and enjoy this particularly biting form of humor, then these sarcastic sayings are a must read and you’ll be mentally prepared to deal with society for the rest of the day.
The Best Funny Sarcastic Quotes And Sarcasm Sayings
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright
“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark."
“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed."
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."
“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban
“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor."
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” – Albert Einstein
“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead."
“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” – (Sign in Albert Einstein’s Office)
“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?"
“In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein
“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me."
“If anything can go wrong, it will.” – Murphy’s Laws
“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."
“Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws
“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws
“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."
“What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley
“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."
“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams
“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life."
“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams
“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."
“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams
“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."
“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything."
“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge
“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking."
“All the good ones are taken.” – Murphy’s Laws
“Find your patience before I lose mine."
“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."
“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws
“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli
“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun."
“It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.” – Woody Allen
“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."
“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers
“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else."
“A half truth is a whole lie.”- Yiddish Proverb
“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms
“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day."
“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer
“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years."
“The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers
“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”
“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world."
“Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”
“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."
“I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”
“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist."
“So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”
“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin."
“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.
“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard."
“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”
“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty."
“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”
“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues."
“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when i do, I’m probably at work.”
“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste."
“One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand." – Kurt Vonnegut
“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."
“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half." – Jess C. Scott
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."
“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt." -Cassandra Clare
“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."
“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?" – Cassandra Clare
“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed."
“I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.” – Millie Bobby Brown
“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding."
“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”
“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."
“Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working at our office.”
“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."
“Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese." -Suzanne Collins
“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”
“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly."
“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” -Walter Kerr
“Life’s good, you should get one."
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time."
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen
“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!"
“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” -Sir Winston Churchill
“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared."
“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested."
“Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.” -Cal Thomas
“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."
“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” -Oscar Wilde
“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…"
“Don’t look back — something might be gaining on you.” – Satchel Paige
“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues."
“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.” – Jonathan Kellerman
“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you."
“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali
“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while."
“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” -Frank Lloyd Wright
“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever."
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe."
“It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” -Mark Twain
“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?"
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” -Benny Hill
“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth."
“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” -Aldous Huxley
“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will."
“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” -Oscar Wilde
“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there."
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett
“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm."
“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.” -Jonathan Fuerbringer
“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!"
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein
“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again."
“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane."
“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in."
“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me."
“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong."
“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!"
“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible."
“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression."
“You sound better with your mouth closed."
“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet."
“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you."
“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever."
“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?"
“I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter."
“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you."
“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”
Let end your week with its friday quotes to bring happiness your weekend.