207+ FUNNIEST Sarcastic Quotes to Definitely Make Life Better

Sarcasm is a wry form of humor and these quotes can express what you really feel on the inside. If you are a sarcasm lover and enjoy this particularly biting form of humor, then these sarcastic sayings are a must read and you’ll be mentally prepared to deal with society for the rest of the day.

If you’re searching for hilarious quotes and greatest funny movie quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of popular funny motivational quotes, top funny inspirational quotes and best funny thanksgiving quotes.

Best Sarcastic Quotes

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” – Steven Wright

“When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

“I am not young enough to know everything.” – Oscar Wilde

“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.”

“Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent.”

“If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.”

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”

“Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” – Abba Eban

sarcastic quotes

“If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.” – Albert Einstein

“I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.”

“I’m not always rude and sarcastic sometimes I’m asleep.”

“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” – (Sign in Albert Einstein’s Office)

“Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?”

“True bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing.”

“I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat.”

“Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.” – Robin Williams

sarcasm quotes

“In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.” – Albert Einstein

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” – Albert Einstein

“If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

“If anything can go wrong, it will.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Look at you, you’re in perfect shape. For a circle.”

funny sarcastic quotes

“Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.”

“Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Laws

“If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Laws

“I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.”

sarcastic sayings

“What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.”

sarcastic quotes about life

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams

“Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.”

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

Sarcasm Quotes

“Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.” – Victor Borge

“Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking.”

“My level of sarcasm depends of your level of stupidity.”

“All the good ones are taken.” – Murphy’s Laws

quotes about sarcasm

“Find your patience before I lose mine.”

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.” – Murphy’s Laws

“My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.”

“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.” – Murphy’s Laws

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says WTF.”

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

“Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli

“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”

sarcastic face

“Sarcasm: because arguing with stupid people just wouldn’t be as much fun.”

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.” – Woody Allen

“Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.”

“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please.” – Will Rogers

“Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” – Patrick Murray

“A half truth is a whole lie.”- Yiddish Proverb

“Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.”

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

sarcastic good morning

“I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.”

“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.” – Mark Twain

“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I’m starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others.”

“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Robert Oppenheimer

“Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.”

“The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers

“Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.”

sarcastic remarks

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

“This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.”

“People say that laughter is the best medicine… your face must be curing the world.”

“Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

“If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”

“I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you.”

“My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.”

“I’m actually not funny, I’m just mean and people think I’m joking.”

“So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?”

sarcastic comments

“Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin.”

“I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.

“Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard.”

“Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.”

“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”

“Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.”

“I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.”

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

“What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.”

“There’s someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist.”

“I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when i do, I’m probably at work.”

best sarcastic quotes

“Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste.”

“I like sleeping because it’s like being dead without the commitment.”

“One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“Not a single one of my multiple personalities like you.”

“Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.”

“I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.”

“It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half.” – Jess C. Scott

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

“If someone asks, ‘Are you crazy?’ Simply reply, ‘Yes.’ Boom. End of discussion.”

“Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” -Cassandra Clare

“I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.”

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?” – Cassandra Clare

“I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed.”

“Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.”

thinking sarcasm quotes

“I’m quite sarcastic, and I’m funny, but not kind of funny. It’s a weird funny, and some people don’t get me, and some people do.” – Millie Bobby Brown

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

“If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.”

“Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

“Don’t confuse a smile with someone baring teeth.”

“My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks.”

“Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal.”

Epic Sarcastic Quotes

“Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working at our office.”

“Oh, and I suppose the apples ate the cheese.” -Suzanne Collins

“I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?”

“I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

“That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.”

best funny sarcastic quotes

“Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” -Walter Kerr

“We all know someone who speaks fluent crap.”

“I need to teach my facial expressions how to use inside their voice.”

“Life’s good, you should get one.”

“Be happy. It drives people crazy.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

“No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest!”

“Have some fun with your life. Call in sick to places you don’t even work at.”

“They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing.”

“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” -Sir Winston Churchill

best sarcastic sayings

“I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.”

“Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested.”

“Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born an idiot.”

“Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.” -Cal Thomas

“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.”

“Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?”

“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one.” -Robin Williams

“Being an adult is looking both ways before you cross the street and getting hit by an airplane.”

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.” -Oscar Wilde

“I’ve got a good heart but this mouth…”

“Don’t look back — something might be gaining on you.” – Satchel Paige

“Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

“You can be whatever you want; however, in your case you should probably aim low.”

“Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you’re able to persecute.” – Jonathan Kellerman

“Me pretending to listen should be enough for you.”

best sarcastic quotes about life

“Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

“If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”

“I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.”

“I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.” -Frank Lloyd Wright

“Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.”

Clever Sarcastic Quotes

“Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what’s on my mind is so immense, I need a nap afterward.”

“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” -Billy Wilder

“It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.”

“It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right.”

“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”

“It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.” -Mark Twain

“Are you always this retarded or are you making a special effort today?”

“I am currently under construction. Thank you for your patience.”

“My alone time is sometimes for your safety.”

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” -Benny Hill

best quotes about sarcasm

“You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”

“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.” -Aldous Huxley

“Whenever I go running, I meet new people… like paramedics.”

“If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will.”

“Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.” -Oscar Wilde

“Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.”

“I lost your number. I lost it when I hit ‘delete.’”

“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” -Buddy Hackett

“Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.”

“One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average.” -Jonathan Fuerbringer

“You always do me a favor, when you shut up!”

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!” – Robin Williams

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein

“I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I will get to you shortly.”

“Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.”

“I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.”

best sarcastic good morning

“Sure I’ll help you out… the same way you came in.”

Witty Sarcastic Captions

“Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.”

“I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”

“I wish more people were fluent in silence.”

“Think I am sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care!”

“I found your nose. It was in my business.”

“My friends are so much cooler than yours. They’re invisible.”

“Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.”

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” -Robin Williams

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression.”

“Life is full of disappointments and I just added you to the list.”

“You sound better with your mouth closed.”

“Apparently, rock bottom has a basement.”

“If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.”

“They say good things take time… That’s why I’m always late.”

“I’m smiling… that alone should scare you.”

“The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.”

“Beating up people is illegal, so yeah, let’s just use sarcasm.”

“If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever.”

“If I promise to miss you, will you go away?”

“Closed minds should come with closed mouths, right?”

“Why would someone who has an average life expectancy of 75 years, get married when he is 29?”

“I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.”

“Thank you for leaving my side when I was alone. I realized I can do so much without you.”

“Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.”

“A long time ago, there was me living a happy and peaceful life. And then sh*t happened!”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” Drew Carey, Comedian

Let end your week with its friday quotes to bring happiness your weekend.