Comedians use their wit to share views on life’s relatable issues while making us laugh. Witty quotes by famous comedians will open up minds, entertain, encourage and inspire you, bring about social awareness and change your perspectives.
If you’re searching for famous phrases about life that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of inspiring quotes by actors, powerful quotes by authors, and top funny quotes.
I hope you really enjoy my favorite collection of amusing and inspirational quotes by comedians on life, love, relationship, truth, comedy and much more.
Quotes From Famous Comedian
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. – Steven Wright
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. – George Burns
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ – Steven Wright
I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. – Mitch Hedberg
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. – Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. – President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. – George Carlin
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx
Whenever you leave behind failure, you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb. – Louis C.K.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin
There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you. – Jim Carrey
I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. – Robin Williams
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
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Best Comedian Quotes
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – Zach Galifianakis
You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. – Robin Williams
Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on. – Amy Poehler
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. – Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. – Mitch Hedberg
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon. – W. C. Fields
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. – Lily Tomlin
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? – Ronald Reagan
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. – John Mulaney
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. – Jim Carrey
You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. – Anthony Jeselnik
I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital. – Demetri Martin
A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die. – Conan O’Brien
You know, be able to do something great in your life, you’re gonna have to realize your failures. You’re gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it. – Dave Chappelle
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president. – Louis C. K.
Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself. – Chelsea Handler
Life could be wonderful if people would leave you alone. – Charlie Chaplin
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. – George Burns
I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. – Bob Hope
The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high. – Steve Harvey
You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ – Jerry Seinfeld
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity. – Bill Cosby
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin
Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you’re trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, ‘You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.’ – Bill Burr
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine. – Whoopi Goldberg
I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So, I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me. – Ellen DeGeneres
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. – Mindy Kaling
Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. – Bill Hicks
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party. Ron White
Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do. – Tina Fey
It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
Mother Teresa didn’t walk around complaining about her thighs – she had shit to do. – Sarah Silverman
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. – P. J. O’Rourke
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists. – Bill Maher
Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi. – Johnny Lever
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking. – King Jerry Seinfeld
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. – Joan Rivers
Don’t be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They’re qualified to. – Stephen Colbert
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin
I remember seeing a movie with Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney where they were husband and wife, and they got in bed, and he had on polka-dot pajamas and she had on striped pajamas, and when they got up the next morning he had on the striped pajamas and she had the polka dot pajamas, and that was considered racy at that time! – Bob Newhart
It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. – Lily Tomlin
I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute, and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. – Demetri Martin
I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person. – Janeane Garofalo
Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. – Joan Rivers
The great thing about taking big chances when you’re younger is you have less to lose, and you don’t know as much. So you take big swings. – Amy Poehler
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. – Milton Berle
I’m grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make. – Bo Burnham
As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes. – Mel Brooks
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with. – Ellen DeGeneres
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ anymore. – Jeff Foxworthy
Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost, and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. – Ellen DeGeneres
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. – Emo Philips
You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the water slide overthinking it. You have to go down the chute. – Tina Fey
We didn’t give women the vote until 1920. (Before that,) women didn’t get the vote in this country. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building older than American democracy. – Louis C. K.
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. – Josh Billings
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening—everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say ‘I did that.’ – Ricky Gervais
I don’t have credibility, I’m a comedian. – Dennis Miller
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. – George Carlin
I’ve learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. – Greg Behrendt
Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting. – Jim Carrey
‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say, ‘I’m bored.’ – Louis C. K.
As you navigate through the rest of your life, be open to collaboration. Other people and other people’s ideas are often better than your own. Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life. – Amy Poehler
Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye
Look to the future, because that is where you’ll spend the rest of your life. – George Burns
I have my own demons and dark moods. It’s weird. – Chris Rock
Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres
People like abstract art because it makes them feel clever. – James Acaster
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. – George Carlin
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there. – Josh Billings
In life, there’s a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don’t have balance, you have comedy. – George Lopez
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz
I remember when I was young, I was watching TV, and my father came into the room, agitated, and told me to start a business. I was eight years old. – Sebastian Maniscalco
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen
Everything is amazing and nobody’s happy. – Louis C. K.
Funny Comedian Quotes
I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just – I crave it. – Gabriel Iglesias
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. – King Jerry Seinfeld
It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them. – Tom Segura
Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. – Lily Tomlin
The ‘what should be’ never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no ‘what should be,’ there is only what is. – Lenny Bruce
If you’re going to wear a cowboy hat, you’re going to have to go all the way. You should have livestock around you, settle all of your disputes with a pistol, and ride a horse absolutely everywhere. – Tom Segura
People may hate you for being different and not living by society’s standards, but deep down they wish they had the courage to do the same. – Kevin Hart
You can make fun of your own a lot easier than someone else’s. – Eric Andre
When it comes to being called a pronoun, sometimes I like to call other people ‘me.’ I go, like, ‘Oh, these mes voted for Trump. This me is begging for change. This me is driving me to the airport.’ I find that useful instead of going, like – because it’s so pleasant to go ‘you.’ – Pete Holmes
I’m not funny. What I am is brave. – Lucille Ball
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
The planet’s spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we’ve laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth. – Joe Rogan
You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to. – Robin Williams
I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is, I’m good today. Real good. – Chris Farley
Be so good they can’t ignore you. – Steve Martin
I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. – Louis C. K.
The truth may be out there, but lies are inside your head. – Terry Pratchett
If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever. – David Letterman
I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. – Jay Leno
Well I have a microphone and you don’t so you will listen to every damn word I have to say! – Adam Sandler
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on. – Billy Connolly
I’ve got genuine political reasons for not voting for David Cameron. He’s got a tiny little mouth. – Sean Lock
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. – Mitch Hedberg
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
Like one time I was about to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like take luck… If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. Shut up! – Brian Regan
Comedy is acting out optimism. – Robin Williams
Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. – Amy Poehler
Famous Quotes by Comedians
If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer! – Jim Carrey
I was the first in my family to board an airplane. I was the first in my family to get kicked off an airplane. – Trevor Noah
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong. – Robin Williams
It’s difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. – Russell Brand
Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive. – Amy Poehler
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. – George Carlin
There’s a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at. – Richard Pryor
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately. – George Carlin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’ – Demetri Martin
I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges. – Larry David
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that. – Ellen Degeneres
If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner. – Chris Rock
I always tell comics you got to hang with your stand-up. – John Witherspoon
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. – Jimmy Kimmel
Everything’s funny — in the right context and done by the right person. – Chris Rock
There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is dead! – Eddie Izzard
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo. – Erma Bombeck
I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! – Rodney Dangerfield
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. – Jack Handey
I don’t have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day. – Dylan Moran
To be honest, marriage doesn’t scare me and that, it’s just once you’ve been together for so long, if you haven’t got any kids it’s just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn’t it? – Karl Pilkington
Comedian Quotes About Life
Mmmm! Lunch and no clean-up! Can life get better? I submit that it cannot! – Brian Regan
You’re only given one little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. – Robin Williams
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. – Gilda Radner
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured out by myself in the third grade. – George Carlin
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? – Mitch Hedberg
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. – Brian Regan
Life is funny, and that’s why I celebrate it in my shows. – Loni Love
My report card always said, ‘Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students.’ – Jim Carrey
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do. – Chris Rock
I recently hurt myself on a treadmill and it wasn’t even on. – Amy Poehler
Are you marrying this guy because you’re mad at me? – Jim Carrey
Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing. – Chris Rock
Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off. – Ellen DeGeneres
The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. – Demetri Martin
Do not stand directly in front of a cannon… how true that is. – Brian Regan
What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me. – Amy Poehler
We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42. – Amy Poehler
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’ – Demetri Martin
People always ask me ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, I was an accountant. – Ellen DeGeneres
You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes. – Chris Rock
Funniest Comedian Quotes Of All Time
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake. – Mitch Hedberg
God, why do you hate me? – Jim Carrey
I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars. – Brian Regan
My parents didn’t know what to do with me. They got me into Little League Baseball, I played out in right field, cause I stunk. – Brian Regan
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. – George Carlin
But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be. – Robin Williams
Oh Ann, you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby. – Amy Poehler
I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic hatreds! – George Carlin
Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log. – Ellen DeGeneres
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. – Demetri Martin
If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat! – Demetri Martin
When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative. – Chris Rock
The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too. – Ellen DeGeneres
When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine. – Trevor Noah
I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket. – Mitch Hedberg
Good morning, and in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! – Jim Carrey
Where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew. – Brian Regan
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer. – Robin Williams
I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disturbing things. – Amy Poehler
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. – George Carlin
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. – Mitch Hedberg
Just go up to somebody on the street and say ‘You’re it!’ and just run away. – Ellen DeGeneres
Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number’s still 911? All righty then. – Jim Carrey
They call it softball, makes it sound like it’s harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? – Brian Regan
The idea of having a steady job is appealing. – Robin Williams
I was coming home from kindergarten–well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. – Ellen DeGeneres
Stand-up Comedians Quotes
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long. – Mitch Hedberg
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger. – Jim Carrey
I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve: two sleeves is a serving size. – Brian Regan
Would a fly without wings be called a walk? – George Carlin
Why do they call it rush hour when no one moves? – Robin Williams
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. – Ellen DeGeneres
You say you’re sick and tired of hearing about me? I’ve got news for you: I’m sick and tired of hearing about me. – Ellen DeGeneres
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. – Demetri Martin
I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference. – Amy Poehler
I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille. – Demetri Martin
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed. – Chris Rock
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches. – Jim Carrey
Brian, relax, man. You’ve gotta relax when you make the crank calls. – Brian Regan
Reality: What a concept! – Robin Williams
If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy. – Demetri Martin
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself. – Amy Poehler
Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. – Demetri Martin
