90+ Most Hilarious Comedian Quotes

Comedians use their wit to share views on life’s relatable issues while making us laugh. Witty quotes by famous comedians will open up minds, entertain, encourage and inspire you, bring about social awareness and change your perspectives.

If you’re searching for famous phrases about life that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of inspiring quotes by actors, powerful quotes by authors, and top funny quotes.

Top 10 Comedian Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg tweet

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. – George Burns tweet

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ – Steven Wright tweet

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town. – George Carlin tweet

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx tweet

Whenever you leave behind failure, you’re doing good. If you think everything you’ve done is great, you’re probably dumb. – Louis C.K. tweet

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. – George Carlin tweet

There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you. – Jim Carrey tweet

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. – Robin Williams tweet

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield tweet

Best Comedian Quotes

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. – Zach Galifianakis

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. – Robin Williams

Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on. – Amy Poehler

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon. – W. C. Fields

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. – Lily Tomlin

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. – John Mulaney

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

If you aren’t in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret. – Jim Carrey

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. – Anthony Jeselnik

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you’re gonna have to realize your failures. You’re gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it. – Dave Chappelle

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president. – Louis C. K.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most importantly, laugh at yourself. – Chelsea Handler

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth. – George Burns

I’ve always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. – Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’ – Jerry Seinfeld

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. – George Carlin

Did you ever spell a word so bad that your spell check has absolutely no clue what you’re trying to spell? What do you end up getting, you end up getting, like, a question mark. You got a million dollars of technology just looking back at you like, ‘You got me, buddy. Which is pretty amazing because I have all the words.’ – Bill Burr

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine. – Whoopi Goldberg

I had everything I’d hoped for, but I wasn’t being myself. So, I decided to be honest about who I was. It was strange: The people who loved me for being funny suddenly didn’t like me for being… me. – Ellen DeGeneres

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. – Mindy Kaling

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party. Ron White

Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do. – Tina Fey

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

Mother Teresa didn’t walk around complaining about her thighs – she had shit to do. – Sarah Silverman

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. – P. J. O’Rourke

Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi. – Johnny Lever

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. – Henny Youngman

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking. – King Jerry Seinfeld

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube. – Joan Rivers

Don’t be afraid to make things up. Never fear being exposed as a fraud. Experts make things up all the time. They’re qualified to. – Stephen Colbert

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin

I remember seeing a movie with Jose Ferrer and Rosemary Clooney where they were husband and wife, and they got in bed, and he had on polka-dot pajamas and she had on striped pajamas, and when they got up the next morning he had on the striped pajamas and she had the polka dot pajamas, and that was considered racy at that time! – Bob Newhart

It’s my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. – Lily Tomlin

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute, and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. – Demetri Martin

I actually was class clown, but I don’t know how that happened because I’ve never been considered an outwardly funny person. – Janeane Garofalo

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God’s gift, that’s why we call it the present. – Joan Rivers

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. – Milton Berle

I’m grateful for every stupid mistake and dumb joke I tried to make. – Bo Burnham

As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes. – Mel Brooks

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ anymore. – Jeff Foxworthy

Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost, and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. – Ellen DeGeneres

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. – Emo Philips

We didn’t give women the vote until 1920. (Before that,) women didn’t get the vote in this country. That means American democracy is 94 years old. There are three people in my building older than American democracy. – Louis C. K.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. – Josh Billings

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

I don’t have credibility, I’m a comedian. – Dennis Miller

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. – George Carlin

I’ve learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work. – Greg Behrendt

‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say, ‘I’m bored.’ – Louis C. K.

As you navigate through the rest of your life, be open to collaboration. Other people and other people’s ideas are often better than your own. Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you, spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life. – Amy Poehler

Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. – Danny Kaye

I have my own demons and dark moods. It’s weird. – Chris Rock

Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer. – Ellen DeGeneres

People like abstract art because it makes them feel clever. – James Acaster

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there. – Josh Billings

In life, there’s a ying and a yang and a balance. And when you don’t have balance, you have comedy. – George Lopez

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles Schulz

I remember when I was young, I was watching TV, and my father came into the room, agitated, and told me to start a business. I was eight years old. – Sebastian Maniscalco

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. – Woody Allen

Everything is amazing and nobody’s happy. – Louis C. K.

I found that laughter was a form of acceptance, and I really enjoyed that and I just – I crave it. – Gabriel Iglesias

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. – King Jerry Seinfeld

It’s okay for me to make jokes about disabled people and people with horrible diseases because they make me uncomfortable, and I don’t want to be like them. – Tom Segura

Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. – Lily Tomlin

Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. – Gilda Radner

People may hate you for being different and not living by society’s standards, but deep down they wish they had the courage to do the same. – Kevin Hart

You can make fun of your own a lot easier than someone else’s. – Eric Andre

When it comes to being called a pronoun, sometimes I like to call other people ‘me.’ I go, like, ‘Oh, these mes voted for Trump. This me is begging for change. This me is driving me to the airport.’ I find that useful instead of going, like – because it’s so pleasant to go ‘you.’ – Pete Holmes

I’m not funny. What I am is brave. – Lucille Ball

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

Life is funny, and that’s why I celebrate it in my shows. – Loni Love

The planet’s spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we’ve laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth. – Joe Rogan

You’ll have bad times, but it’ll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren’t paying attention to. – Robin Williams

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is, I’m good today. Real good. – Chris Farley

Be so good they can’t ignore you. – Steve Martin

I’ve learned from experience that if you work harder at it, and apply more energy and time to it, and more consistency, you get a better result. It comes from the work. – Louis C. K.

If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever. – David Letterman

I didn’t realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. – Jay Leno

Well I have a microphone and you don’t so you will listen to every damn word I have to say! – Adam Sandler

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on. – Billy Connolly

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