famous funny sayings

150+ Funny Quotes of All Time [Smart & Insightful]

A good dose of humor will give you an extra boost of positivity. You can find laughter and wisdom in these funny sayings.

Since laughing is the best way to get your day started, funny morning quotes improve your mood and brighten up your spirit, and is bound to have you in splits! Best of witty quotes, ironic quotes, and wake up meme also help you get through your day.

Top 10 Funny Quotes

I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wrigh

My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girl

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne

I’m in shape. Round is a shape. George Carlin

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. Spanish proverb

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln

Short Funny Quotes

“If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?" – George Carlin

“Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have the way." – Steve Martin

“Change is not a four-letter word… but often your reaction to it is!" – Jeffrey Gitomer

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path." – Ellen DeGeneres

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." – Al McGuire

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific." – Lily Tomlin

“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others." – Ashleigh Brilliant

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over." – Jerry Seinfeld

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." – Steven Wright

“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." – Mark Twain

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia." – Charles Schulz

“I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist." – Gena Showalter

“Never have more children than you have car windows." – Erma Bombeck

“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’" – Steven Wright

“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces." – Will Rogers

“Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door." – Kyle Chandler

“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" – Chandler

“Well-behaved women seldom make history." – Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

“Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent." – Langston Coleman

“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested." – Sheldon Cooper

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous." – Robert Benchley

“Never miss a good chance to shut up." – Will Rogers

“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." – Robert Bloch

“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two." – Sir Norman Wisdom

“There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep." – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde

“If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else." – Yogi Berra

“You can look to the life from different perspective with sarcastic quotes which express what you really feel on the inside."

“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you." – Steven Wright

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." – Alan Dundes

“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" – John Barrymore

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." – Mark Twain

“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream." – Bill Murray

“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous." – Robert Benchley

“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book." – Groucho Marx

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." – Terry Pratchett

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." Woody Allen

“End your week with humorous Friday quotes to reenergize yourself and get extra motivation to get through last working day."

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." – Phyllis Diller

Funny Quotes About Life Lessons

“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats." – Voltaire

“My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal.”

“Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it." – Mary Oliver

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard’, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’" – Sydney Harris

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?" – Jerry Seinfeld

“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." – Will Rogers

“That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it." – George Carlin

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time." – Joe Girard

“Life is hard, after all, it kills you." – Kathrine Hepburn

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." – Homer Simpson

“The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office." – Robert Frost

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing." – George Bernard Shaw

“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out." – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." – Mark Twain

“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese." – Billie Burke

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths." – Steven Wright

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain." – Graham Norton

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering." – Steven Wright

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." – Mark Twain

“It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito." – Dalai Lama

“The key to success is not through achievement but through enthusiasm." – Malcolm Forbes

“I cannot afford to waste my time making money." – Louis Agassiz

“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.” – Robert Bresson

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” – Billy Sunday

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry

“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes

“Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres

“Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer." – Ace Ventura

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." – Les Dawson

When you’re feeling less than great, just reading quotes that make you smile can improve your mood because they are warm, cheerful, and magnetic.

Funny Quotes About Love

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? – Cynthia Heimel

“I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” — Russell Brand

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

“A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished." – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her." – Rodney Dangerfield

“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti

“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." – Tim Allen

“The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What… does a woman want?" – Freud

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." – Oscar Wilde

“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." – Joan Crawford

“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers

“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." – Albert Einstein

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller

“Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it." – George Carlin

“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener." – Pauline Thomason

“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy." – Bob Hope

“I love you and it’s getting worse." – Joseph E. Morris

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy." – Ralphie May

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” — Chelsea Handler

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.” — Fran Lebowitz

“Love; A temporary insanity curable by marriage." – Ambrose Bierce

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

“Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions." – Tommy Dewar

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." – Henry Youngman

“My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” — Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.” — Ray Romano

“Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." – Jules Renard

“Love is being stupid together." – Paul Valery

“Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” — Unknown

Funny Quotes About Friends

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.“ -Linda Grayson

“Friends should be like books, few, but hand-selected.“ -C.J. Langenhoven

“The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.“ -Mark Twain

“The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist.“ -Aaron Machado

“Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.“ -Edwin Arlington Robinson

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.“ -Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I’d rather be an idiot than lose you.“ -Patrick to Spongebob

“It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’“ -A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

“Most of us don’t need a psychiatric therapist as much as a friend to be silly with.“ -Robert Brault

“A good friend will help you move. But a best friend will help you move a dead body.“ -Jim Hayes

“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.“ -Greg Tamblyn

“A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.“ -Lois Wyse

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.“ -Marlene Dietrich

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.“ -Unknown

“There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.“ -J.K. Rowling

“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.“ -Markus Zusak

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.“ -Oprah Winfrey

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.“

“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.“ -Sicilian Proverb

“Friendship is having those your conversations with your best friend and thinking if anyone heard you, you would be put in a mental hospital.“

“Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.“ -Otto von Bismarck

“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.“ -Arnold H. Glasgow

“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’“ -Cookie Monster

“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.“ -Samuel Butler

Sisters are like best friends, so funny sister quotes perfectly point of this.

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