170 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh [Smart & Insightful]

A good dose of humor will give you an extra boost of positivity. You can find laughter and wisdom in these funny sayings.

Since laughing is the best way to get your day started, funny morning quotes improve your mood and brighten up your spirit, and is bound to have you in splits!

From clever to insightful, smart, inspirational and famous, these funny quotes about life and life lessons are guaranteed to make you smile. Let these hilarious quotes will make you laugh out loud:

Funny Quotes to Use Everywhere

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”

“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying.”

“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”

“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”

“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”

“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”

“My brain has too many tabs open.”

Funny Quotes from Comedians

Jerry Seinfeld: “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

Ellen DeGeneres: “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”

George Carlin: “I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.”

Joan Rivers: “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

Dave Barry: “Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.”

Steven Wright: “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

Louis C.K.: “Everything is amazing and nobody is happy.”

Rodney Dangerfield: “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

Mitch Hedberg: “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”

Jim Gaffigan: “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”

Bill Murray: “People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.”

Tina Fey: “I’m not a buy-a-candle person. I’m more of a light-a-fire-and-try-to-put-it-out person.”

Ricky Gervais: “Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right.”

Richard Pryor: “I’m for the truth, no matter who tells it. I’m for justice, no matter who it is for or against.”

Sarah Silverman: “I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now.”

Funny Quotes About Life

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” – John Lennon

“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”

“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“The road to success is always under construction.”

“Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

“Life is like photography. You need the negatives to develop.”

“Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me—I’ll laugh at you.”

“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn

“I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

Funny Friendship Quotes

“We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends.”

“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”

“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”

“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”

“A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body.”

“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”

“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”

“True friends don’t judge each other; they judge other people together.”

“Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stick like an octopus on your face.”

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”

“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”

“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich

“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” – C.S. Lewis

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

Funny Love Quotes

“Love is sharing your popcorn.”

“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”

“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”

“Love is being stupid together.” – Paul Valery

“Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.” – Lynda Barry

“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” – Albert Einstein

“Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.” – Maya Angelou

“Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” – Tim Allen

“Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham

“I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.”

“Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.” – John Lennon

Funny Family Quotes

“Family: where life begins and love never ends… until someone uses all the Wi-Fi.”

“Insanity is hereditary: you get it from your children.”

“I smile because you’re my family. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“In my family, crazy doesn’t skip a generation.”

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits until the rest of the family brings the car back.” – Earl Wilson

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Family: We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.”

“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” – Robert Brault

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.” – Ogden Nash

“The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” – Marge Kennedy

“Family is like fudge: mostly sweet, with a few nuts.”

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw

“In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” – Alex Haley

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” – Desmond Tutu

Funny Birthday Quotes

“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzoni

“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

“Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”

“You’re not getting older, you’re just becoming a classic.”

“Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” – Chili Davis

“You’re only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.”

“Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.” – Charles Schulz

“You know you’re getting old when the little old gray-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.”

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

“Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”

“At least you’re not as old as you will be next year.”

“Forget the past; look forward to the future, for the best things are yet to come.”

“It’s not about the years in your life, but the life in your years.”

“Age is just a number, but yours is getting pretty high.”

“Happy Birthday! You don’t look a day over fabulous.”

Funny Work Quotes

“I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”

“I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.”

“Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.”

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.”

“Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.”

“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.”

“Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?” – Edgar Bergen

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.”

“Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.”

“I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode.”

Funny Motivational Quotes

“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

“Follow your dreams. Except that one where you’re naked in public.”

“A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.”

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”

“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne

“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” – W.C. Fields

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

“I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”

“I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

“My alone time is for everyone’s safety.”

“I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The fact that I’m not shows how much I care.”

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”

“I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.”

“I’m not shy. I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”

“I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.”

“I’m not crazy. My reality is just different from yours.”

“I’m not a people person. But if you’re a person, I’m willing to make an exception.”

“I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude. And that’s not my problem.”

“I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.”

“My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where even I don’t know if I’m kidding or not.”

Funny Observations

“Why do they call it ‘rush hour’ when nothing moves?”

“Why does ‘fat chance’ and ‘slim chance’ mean the same thing?”

“Why isn’t ‘phonetic’ spelled the way it sounds?”

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and dishes in the cupboard?”

“Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?”

“If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”

“Why do we call it a building if it’s already built?”

“Why does your nose run and your feet smell?”

“If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?”

“Why is the word ‘abbreviation’ so long?”

“Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?”

“If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?”

“Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?”