What is happiness? I keep fluctuating between feeling content and happy with the way my life is going and feeling worried, frustrated and anxious with things that are about basic comfort.
In some ways I’m so happy with my life now, my independence living in my own flat, my new part time job in the arts and potentially another job which will fit in with it perfectly and the company of my partner. In other ways I feel like I’m depleted right now, not running on a full battery. I can be a sensitive sleeper but I’ve also be going through insomnia, just laying awake for hours on end. I’m just waiting for it to be morning so I can get up and get on with my life. Sleep has never been such a difficult thing for me to do and the lack of it is definitely affecting my mood and awareness.
Between the happier feelings I’ve been beating myself up, ripping into myself about everything. Why can’t my stupid, nerdy humour be sharp and witty like my partner’s, why am I so ditzy and awkward and why can’t I be sexy and have that ethereal kind of beauty. These things I’ll never have.
Things I think I do have are a sense of fairness, emotional and logical reasoning, a kind heart, a sense of adventure, an open mind, a willingness to admit when I wrong, the ability to see things from other people’s perspectives, an ability to push myself to get things done even when I’m feeling depressed or anxious.
There are parts of myself physically I find very unattractive and unappealing but people have called my eyes beautiful, that the shape of them is perfect, that I have long lashes and that they are a lovely colour though I see nothing special about the colour. I remember I was at my Saturday stage school and a girl in my singing class told me my lips were really pretty and a perfect shape. I’ve even been complimented on the “cute” mole on my nose. I’ve had professional beauticians tell me my skin glowed and recently a girl stopped me in the bathroom and told me I was really pretty and that in a world where girls spend so long on their hair mine was so naturally pretty. The 3 girls behind me all looked at me and agreed. I’ve been told I have a curvy, womanly body.
I guess things will never be perfect but I know I try and the most out of what I have, I have kicked the crap out of myself so much this week but I need to start building myself up. Other people will knock you down so you owe it to yourself to be on your own side.