148+ Best Bill Hicks Quotes: Exclusive Selection

William Melvin Hicks was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist and musician. His material—encompassing a wide range of social issues including religion, politics, and philosophy—was controversial and often steeped in dark comedy. Profoundly inspirational Bill Hicks quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for famous comedy quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of quotes from Bill Maher, powerful Bo Burnham quotes and famous Dave Chappelle quotes.

Famous Bill Hicks Quotes

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to. – Bill Hicks

I’m sorry if any of you are Catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re Catholic. – Bill Hicks

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions. A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart. – Bill Hicks

If you want to understand a society, take a good look at the drugs it uses. And what can this tell you about American culture? Well, look at the drugs we use. Except for pharmaceutical poison, there are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in. – Bill Hicks

I think it’s interesting how people act on their beliefs. A lot of Christians, for instance, wear crosses around their necks. Nice sentiment, but do you think when Jesus comes back, he’s really going to want to look at a cross? – Bill Hicks

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on. – Bill Hicks

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States 23,000 deaths from handguns. But – there’s no connection. – Bill Hicks

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. – Bill Hicks

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right? – Bill Hicks

Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god’s infinite love. – Bill Hicks

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer’s pussy. – Bill Hicks

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House. – Bill Hicks

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid. – Bill Hicks

That’s starting to depress me about UFOs. The fact that they cross galaxies and always end up in places like Fyfe, Alabama. – Bill Hicks

How do I know the Bible isn’t the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE! – Bill Hicks

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas. – Bill Hicks

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That’s faith in action folks! You know he’s got God on his side. – Bill Hicks

I’m an American who loves an America which doesn’t exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas. – Bill Hicks

You know what I hate about working? Bosses. The very idea that ANYONE could be my boss, well I think you see the conflict. – Bill Hicks

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!. – Bill Hicks

All governments are lying cocksuckers. – Bill Hicks

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I’ll prove it to you. You’re at a ball game or a concert, and someone’s really violent and aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? – Bill Hicks

Keith Richards outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health-nut dude. The plot thickens. – Bill Hicks

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit causes sexual thoughts. Hmm Sounds like every commercial on television, doesn’t it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Double mint commercial? I’m not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that’s the connection they’re trying to make. – Bill Hicks

The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light. – Bill Hicks

I loved when Bush came out and said, ‘We are losing the war against drugs.’ You know what that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it. – Bill Hicks

You watch the news these days? It’s unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you’re immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull. – Bill Hicks

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? – Bill Hicks

I don’t care if you’re obscene, filthy, horrendous — as long as you’re honest. – Bill Hicks

If you don’t think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD’s and burn them. – Bill Hicks

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free. – Bill Hicks

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven’t proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven’t seen the stats on that yet. – Bill Hicks

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey there’s one guy holding up both! – Bill Hicks

I go to dance clubs about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’ – Bill Hicks

The waitress comes over to me like, ‘What’chu readin’ for?’ I had never been asked that. Not ‘What am I reading?’ but ‘What am I reading for?’ Goddammit, you stumped me. Hmm, why do I read? I suppose I read for a lot of reasons, one of the main ones being so I don’t end up being a waffle waitress. – Bill Hicks

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you’ll find in this world. – Bill Hicks

If you’re so pro-life, do me a favor: don’t lock arms and block medical clinics. If you’re so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries. – Bill Hicks

I was told when I grew up, I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor – even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I always wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero – that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun. – Bill Hicks

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue – those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS – but they remain strangely silent. – Bill Hicks

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. – Bill Hicks

Laughter makes the bitter swallowing of truth, for some, a little easier. – Bill Hicks

I’ve learned a lot about women. I think I’ve learned exactly how the fall of man occurred in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we’ll never age, we’ll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah, it’s just not enough is it? – Bill Hicks

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party. – Bill Hicks

I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night. – Bill Hicks

I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it’s not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they’re Napoleon. That’s fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don’t share them like they’re the truth. – Bill Hicks

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves? May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day? – Bill Hicks

When two or more people agree on an issue, I form on the other side. – Bill Hicks

I’m just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious. – Bill Hicks

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the Weather. – Bill Hicks

No one can give you any answers. There aren’t any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery. – Bill Hicks

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind. – Bill Hicks

I am a misanthropic humanist. Do I like people? They’re great, IN THEORY. – Bill Hicks

Don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride. – Bill Hicks

It’s all about money, not freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without money, okay? – Bill Hicks

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. – Bill Hicks

All your beliefs, they’re just that. They’re nothing. They’re how you were taught and raised. That doesn’t make ’em real. – Bill Hicks

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck. – Bill Hicks

You know all the money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year? Trillions of dollars? Correct? Trillions. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, not one, we could, as one race, explore outer space together in peace forever – Bill Hicks

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children. – Bill Hicks

It’s an insane world, and I’m proud to be a part of it. – Bill Hicks

Any organization created out of fear must create fear to survive. – Bill Hicks

It’s not a war on drugs, it’s a war on personal freedom. – Bill Hicks

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye. – Bill Hicks

When you’re stepping over a guy on the sidewalk does it ever occur to you to think, ‘Wow. Maybe our system doesn’t work?’ – Bill Hicks

I don’t do drugs any more than, say, the average touring funk band. – Bill Hicks

I’m not really a heavy smoker anymore. I only get through two lighters a day now. – Bill Hicks

I’m a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day. – Bill Hicks

I hate patriotism. I can’t stand it. It’s a round world last time I checked. – Bill Hicks

I don’t like anything in the mainstream, and they don’t like me. – Bill Hicks

There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. – Bill Hicks

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans. – Bill Hicks

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out. – Bill Hicks

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious. – Bill Hicks

I’m totally confused about what I’m going to do with my life. – Bill Hicks

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. – Bill Hicks

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. – Bill Hicks

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people. – Bill Hicks

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution. – Bill Hicks

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative. – Bill Hicks

I left in love, in laughter, and in truth, and wherever truth, love and laughter abide, I am there in spirit. – Bill Hicks

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself – to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true. – Bill Hicks

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining. – Bill Hicks

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else’s, I’m happy to do it. – Bill Hicks

Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows. – Bill Hicks

Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer. – Bill Hicks

The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Believe or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options. – Bill Hicks

If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews. – Bill Hicks

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply. – Bill Hicks

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake. – Bill Hicks

Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become. – Bill Hicks

We’ll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me! – Bill Hicks

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass. – Bill Hicks

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. – Bill Hicks

I’m not into those kinds of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: ‘STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after these guys? I’d just stand there, you know. They’d back up. ‘STRATFORD SUCKS! STRATFORD SUCKS!’ I’d say, ‘I know. I go there. You’re wasting gas, man. – Bill Hicks

Sometimes you feel in control, and it’s great, but sometimes you just don’t feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs. – Bill Hicks

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs. – Bill Hicks

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have, seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally. – Bill Hicks

I’m very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourself. Good evening! – Bill Hicks

I can’t believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you. – Bill Hicks

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. – Bill Hicks

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells. – Bill Hicks

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day. – Bill Hicks

I don’t identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for. – Bill Hicks

I’ll smoke, I’ll cough, I’ll get the tumors, I’ll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes] – Bill Hicks

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad that’s a little bit overdoing it. – Bill Hicks

Truly, the only stupid people I’ve ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television. – Bill Hicks

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered. – Bill Hicks

Surgeon General’s warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority. – Bill Hicks

So scary watching the news. Like Iraq could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever. – Bill Hicks

People always snap and think they’re Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they’re Buddha? – Bill Hicks

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage. – Bill Hicks

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride. – Bill Hicks

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn’t Paula Abdul doesn’t there does seem to be a pattern. – Bill Hicks

I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I’m fascinated by it. I’m fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that’s interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm – come on in. People say Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It’s a long time ago, just forget it. I’m like, alright, then don’t bring up Jesus to me. As long as we’re talking shelf life here. – Bill Hicks

Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour–appearing in small Southern towns–in front of handfuls of hillbillies. – Bill Hicks

God has this hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality. – Bill Hicks

That’s what I’m gonna do: quit gradually I’m gonna lose one lung; little while later I’m gonna lose the other one. – Bill Hicks

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags. – Bill Hicks

You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really un-evolved? – Bill Hicks

And I’m not getting laid! What am I doing wrong? – Bill Hicks

You all saw him – he had a gun. – Bill Hicks

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I’m a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood. – Bill Hicks

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up. – Bill Hicks

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all. – Bill Hicks

Marijuana grows naturally. Don’t you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don’t know, unnatural? – Bill Hicks

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour. – Bill Hicks

It’s you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me oxygen tent, iron lung. – Bill Hicks

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion? – Bill Hicks

What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all One? You can see why the government’s cracking down. – Bill Hicks

Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years. – Bill Hicks

We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn’t a hazard to this country-How’re we gonna keep building nuclear weapons? – Bill Hicks

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake. – Bill Hicks

The world’s like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it’s real, that’s how powerful our minds are – Bill Hicks

How many of y’all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death – step on the f***ing gas, man! They’re on foot, you’re in a truck – I think I see a way out of this. – Bill Hicks

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually, we live in the U.S. of A, the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you’ve got the money! – Bill Hicks

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one-word question, ready? – Bill Hicks

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth see you at the final. – Bill Hicks

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister. – Bill Hicks

How come people always flip and think they’re Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. ‘Ah’m BUDDHA!’ ‘You’re Bubba!’ ‘Ah’m Buddha now. All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt. – Bill Hicks

It’s not that I disagreed with Bush’s economic policy. I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet. – Bill Hicks

I’m just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth. – Bill Hicks

I wouldn’t give Satan a snowball’s chance in Hell against a woman’s ego – Bill Hicks

I’ll tell you how to solve this abortion thing. Those unwanted babies? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps. – Bill Hicks

I’d bet enthusiasm for ‘ethnic cleansing’ will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties. – Bill Hicks

I was a weekend drinker. I’d start on Saturday, end on Friday thought I was controlling it but I don’t drink any more. – Bill Hicks

Humanity is just a virus with shoes. – Bill Hicks

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York. Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye you lizard scum! Bye! – Bill Hicks

How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the f-k? Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor? – Bill Hicks

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