86+ Best Funny Divorce Quotes That’ll Make Your Day

Divorce, also known as dissolution of marriage, is the process of terminating a marriage or marital union. Inspirational funny divorce quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

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Most Famous Funny Divorce Quotes

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. – Helen Rowland

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. – Johnny Carson

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. – Mary Kay Blakely

funny divorce quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. – Unknown

My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce. – Joyce Brothers

I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, he’s Klingon. – Carol Leifer

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous *rg*sm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. – Woody Allen

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while. – James Caan

Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language. – Austin Elliot

hilarious divorce quotes

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. – Don Quinn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage. – Robert Anderson

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. – P.J. O’Rourke

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow. – Roseanne Barr

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – John Kenneth Galbraith

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. – Dave Barry

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death. – Heinrich Heine

Priceless Funny Divorce Quotes

Bad divorce? Hardy asked, his gaze falling to my hands. I realized I was clutching my purse in a death grip. “No, the divorce was great,” I said. “It was the marriage that sucked.” – Lisa Kleypas

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. – Jean Kerr

funniest divorce quotes

There are four stages in a marriage. First there’s the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce. – Norman Mailer

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. – Jack Benny

According to ancient Jewish law, bad breath is grounds for divorce. – The Little Book of Bad taste

I make mistakes, I’ll be the second to admit it. – Jean Kerr

She cried-and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. – Tommy Manville

A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book. – Marvin Mitchelson

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. – Willie Nelson

Let’s be blunt: If you hire a divorce lawyer today, there is a good chance you will hire a bankruptcy lawyer within two or three years. – Gene Meyer

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. – Craig Ferguson

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. – Jimmy Fallon

Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. – Gerald F. Lieberman

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury. – Rodney Dangerfield

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers. – Garry Trudeau

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year. – Bette Davis

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you. – Margaret Atwood

Hilarious Divorce Quotes

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – John Kenneth Galbraith

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. – Lee Trevino

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check. – Maura Kennedy

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise. – Paul Coleridge

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money. – Wendy Liebman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. – Shinichi Suzuki

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay. – Eileen Courtney

Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. – Woody Allen

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her. – Woody Allen

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping. – Magnon McLaughlin

I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded. – Tim Conway

Confession may be good for the soul, but it’s an uncut Hope diamond for a divorce attorney. – Dan Wintermantel

You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. – Mike Tyson

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. – Jean Kerr

Witty Quotes on Divorce

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

If you think you have trouble supporting a wife, try not supporting her. – Unknown

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay. – Eileen Courtney

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed. – Jay Leno

A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I’m about $100,000 short. – Mickey Rooney

She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. – Tommy Manville

Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage. – Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced-when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination. – John Irving

Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience. – Ellen DeGeneres

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. – Norman Mailer

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. – Lord Chesterfield

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the b*st*rd crucified. – J. B. Handelsman

Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones. – Joan Rivers

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no-fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the bastard crucified. – J. B. Handelsman

Love: the quest. Marriage: the conquest. Divorce: the inquest. – Helen Rowland

A New York divorce is in itself a diploma of virtue. – Edith Wharton

You never really know a man until you have divorced him. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce. – Jennifer Weiner

I look a divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost, then to live with that b*tch for the rest of my life. – Steve McGrew

It’s hard to talk to divorced men, always sensitive from the divorce. They take things the wrong way. “Nice day, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to make a commitment.” “Want half of my ice cream?” “I don’t want half of anything anymore.” – Elayne Boosler

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. – Dave Mordal

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. – Rich Vos

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – Oscar Wilde

Divorces are made in heaven. – Oscar Wilde

Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range. – Ambrose Bierce

In our family, we don’t divorce our men, we bury them. – Ruth Gordon

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth. – Dave Barry

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me. –
Elayne Boosler

To be fair, in most divorces the house is split evenly. The women get the inside, the men get the outside. – Bruce ‏Force

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short. – Mickey Rooney

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. – Elinor Glyn