75+ Best Funny Divorce Quotes: Exclusive Selection

Divorce, also known as dissolution of marriage, is the process of terminating a marriage or marital union. Inspirational funny divorce quotes will fire up your brain and inspire you to look at life differently while making you laugh.

If you’re searching for funny sayings and famous funny movie quotes that perfectly capture what you’d like to say or just want to feel inspired yourself, browse through an amazing collection of extremely funny dance quotes, hilarious horse quotes and funniest I miss you quotes.

Most Famous Funny Divorce Quotes

Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest. – Helen Rowland

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. – Johnny Carson

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. – Mary Kay Blakely

funny divorce quotes

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. – Unknown

My husband and I have never considered divorce. Murder sometimes, but never divorce. – Joyce Brothers

I got divorced recently. It was a mixed marriage. I’m human, he’s Klingon. – Carol Leifer

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous *rg*sm was when the judge signed the divorce papers. – Woody Allen

To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while. – James Caan

Whoever said Marriage is a 50-50 proposition laid the foundation for more divorce fees than any other short sentence in our language. – Austin Elliot

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. – Don Quinn

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage. – Robert Anderson

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. – P.J. O’Rourke

I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow. – Roseanne Barr

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – John Kenneth Galbraith

Today, it is easier to get divorced in most states than to get a transmission repaired properly. – Dave Barry

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

I bequeath all my property to my wife on the condition that she remarry immediately. Then there will be at least one man to regret my death. – Heinrich Heine

Bad divorce? Hardy asked, his gaze falling to my hands. I realized I was clutching my purse in a death grip. “No, the divorce was great,” I said. “It was the marriage that sucked.” – Lisa Kleypas

A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table. – Jean Kerr

There are four stages in a marriage. First there’s the affair, then the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce. – Norman Mailer

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never. – Jack Benny

According to ancient Jewish law, bad breath is grounds for divorce. – The Little Book of Bad taste

I make mistakes, I’ll be the second to admit it. – Jean Kerr

She cried-and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. – Tommy Manville

A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book. – Marvin Mitchelson

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. – Willie Nelson

Let’s be blunt: If you hire a divorce lawyer today, there is a good chance you will hire a bankruptcy lawyer within two or three years. – Gene Meyer

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing. – Craig Ferguson

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you. – Jimmy Fallon

Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers. – Gerald F. Lieberman

When I got divorced, it was group sex. My wife screwed me in front of the jury. – Rodney Dangerfield

In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers. – Garry Trudeau

Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in the divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year. – Bette Davis

A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you. – Margaret Atwood

The happiest time of anyone’s life is just after the first divorce. – John Kenneth Galbraith

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. – Lee Trevino

When I divorced I went through the various stages of grieving: anger, denial, and dancing around with my settlement check. – Maura Kennedy

Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise. – Paul Coleridge

My mother always said don’t marry for money, divorce for money. – Wendy Liebman

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. – Shinichi Suzuki

Instead of getting married again, I’m just going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. – Woody Allen

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her. – Woody Allen

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded. – Tim Conway

You can’t stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. – Mike Tyson

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. – Jean Kerr

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. – Henny Youngman

If you think you have trouble supporting a wife, try not supporting her. – Unknown

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay. – Eileen Courtney

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed. – Jay Leno

A lot of people ask me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I’m about $100,000 short. – Mickey Rooney

She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. – Tommy Manville

It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced-when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination. – John Irving

You don’t know a women till you’ve met her in court. – Norman Mailer

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation. – Lord Chesterfield

Just another of our many disagreements. He wants a no fault divorce, whereas I would prefer to have the b*st*rd crucified. – J. B. Handelsman

Half of all marriages end in divorce – and then there are the really unhappy ones. – Joan Rivers

Love: the quest. Marriage: the conquest. Divorce: the inquest. – Helen Rowland

A New York divorce is in itself a diploma of virtue. – Edith Wharton

Ah, yes, divorce from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams

I look a divorce this way: it’s better to have loved and lost, then to live with that b*tch for the rest of my life. – Steve McGrew

It’s hard to talk to divorced men, always sensitive from the divorce. They take things the wrong way. “Nice day, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to make a commitment.” “Want half of my ice cream?” “I don’t want half of anything anymore.” – Elayne Boosler

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. – Dave Mordal

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. – Rich Vos

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Divorces are made in heaven. – Oscar Wilde

Divorce, a bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range. – Ambrose Bierce

In our family, we don’t divorce our men, we bury them. – Ruth Gordon

You should be prepared for anything during divorce proceedings, even the truth. – Dave Barry

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short. – Mickey Rooney

American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced. – Elinor Glyn

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.